Moving Forward

“So many people are shut up tight inside themselves like boxes, yet they would open up, unfolding quite wonderfully, if only you were interested in them.”
-Sylvia Plath

I could not have described myself better. I suppose what I have to remember is that I can't just wait around for someone to take interest in me. I have to take interest as well. Despite how much it has cost me in the past, it's time to move beyond it. Or at the very least be ready to risk a fall again. It's the only way to move forward.

So here I go.

AmeriFusion

Date #1 Coffee in my neighborhood

Coffee with, let's call him Fusion (for the fact that he's of mixed heritage as well as religions...I've also taken to calling myself Asian Fusion because I thought it was hilarious when Damon said it on TVD), went really well. We have so much in common it actually makes me nervous...I suppose it's the whole waiting for the other shoe to drop part of my distrust of meeting a seemingly decent guy. But he IS a genuinely decent human being and for that I like him a lot. Our political views and cultural views are in synch, he loves music and travel to the same degree I do and even his choice of foods is similar to mine. Conversation was easy and comfortable. (Too good to be true right?) We chatted for almost two and a half hours. He drove me back to my place and I leaned in to kiss him on the cheek. He moved so I ended up planting one on him.

Date #2 Lunch in my neighborhood

He's working nights and I work from home so we met up for a quick lunch. I wonder if maybe I cut it too short (we did have time to sit in the park and chat) but I had to pee and sort of wanted to get home before my brain starting thinking too much. This time he leaned forward and we kissed properly. And chastely...for now. We texted pretty much immediately after about going out again so I'm thinking he's ok with it, if maybe a little disappointed.

I'm trying very hard to take this as it comes and not over-think every single little detail. I already told too many people about him and they're asking questions which is what I want to avoid. So far though I've managed to maintain my excitement about seeing him and getting to know him and letting things progress naturally.

Plus he's cute and I can actually imagine having sex with him. That has not happened in a loooong time. Even with Red I had a little trouble. So honestly this (just wanting to have sex with him) is a sort of breakthrough for me and I am hopeful about a relationship happening that will eventually lead to that. Maybe I'll finally be a big girl and let a man into my life!

What's Happening?

11:43am - BFF texts me her parents found me a husband while on vacation. They are not kidding.

12:20pm - BFF gives me his name, I look him up on Facebook and tell her I think he's cute.

12:23pm - BFF messages him on Facebook, telling me after the fact.

12:37pm - He messages BFF back with his number saying he'd like to meet me.

12:48pm - I text him.

1:13pm - He texts back.

I have a coffee date.

FINALLY.

:) 

Dinner With a Human of the Male Persuasion

Last night was the closest thing to a date I've had in a long, loooong time. But technically speaking it was not a date, nor did I attend it that way. 

Remember the ex-coworker I asked out over email? Well he contacted me again in that friendly how have you been way that is just so suggestive of interest! I told him I was doing well and really loving working for myself and he replied that he was thinking about heading down that route and he'd love to maybe get together and ask me a million questions. 

So last night we met up over dinner in the village. 

He's still cute. And also still 10 years younger. Sigh. Anyway, I surprised myself by not being nervous in the slightest. I did tell myself though the entire time between when he suggested getting together and when we met that it was not a date, it was simply a casual get together to chat about work. I gave him a hug and a greeting kiss on the cheek when we met, since I do that a lot with people (male and female) I haven't seen in a long time. We sat down and since he still works at the company we had a lot to catch up on. It sounds as if he's exactly where I was before I quit. It's so sad because this company has such potential to be a really exciting, fun, creative place to work, but because the higher ups are all egomaniacal ass hats who care more about enforcing their own opinions than the actual output of work none of the worker bees have a chance to really flourish. 

Anyway, it was comfortable and fun to talk with him, though I think I probably did a lot of the talking for once, and when we were done and standing outside the restaurant he asked what I was doing next. Because I am not a fast thinker on my feet I just told the truth, I was going home. I know many of you are shaking your head- this was the perfect place to flirt or even ask if he wanted to get a drink or dessert, but I just wasn't sure. If he had proposed it, I would have said yes. He mentioned a place that had great Philly cheese steaks down the block (which was clearly not an ask to extend our time together as we had just finished a huge dinner) to which I unveiled my non-red meat or dairy diet. Debbie Downer much? He seemed so excited about it...

Then he walked me to my subway and I gave him another hug, but this time without the goodbye cheek kiss- However, he gave me one. I don't know why but I always do that. If someone doesn't also kiss me in greeting, I feel weird about it and I don't do it again during the goodbye. But 9 out of 10 times I will get the goodbye kiss and so I feel like an ass for not. Oh social customs and self-confidence, can't you just stick to one method and go with it?

Overall it was a really nice night out, maybe more so because I didn't feel the pressure of being on an actual date, but in the end it makes me sad that I'm not out on the town more, with a male of course. Shocking.

I'm not sure how he felt about the whole thing- I mean I think he had a nice time, but I wonder if that ask about what I was doing next had some subtext to it. It's only natural I suppose. I don't know if he's still seeing the girl he was seeing when I asked him out. We didn't venture into that area and I was not about to ask. I'm fighting a bit of an internal war about how young he is and if I want to attempt to start anything since we're at such different stages in our lives. 

But I will say yes if he does contact me again and asks to go on a proper date.

Behold Me

“Dreaming permits each and every one of us to be quietly and safely insane every night.” 

-William Dement

"...just as not dreaming forces us to be insane during the day."

-Queen Vee

About a month ago I finally decided I had had it with being exhausted all the time and I went to a sleep doctor. All my blood work was negative so I knew it was my sleep, or lack thereof, that made me feel zombie-like all the time.  I told her about the hallucinations while falling asleep, the teeth grinding, the body heat rising and generally waking up 5 times a night for no reason. I also told her the bad sleep issues began while I was living with Jean (12 years ago now), one of the most stressful and depressed periods of my life, and that the terrifying dreams came and went with the rise and fall of stress in my life eventually morphing into the hallucinations.

She said though I may not feel depressed or anxious at the moment, because I've been dealing with those things for so long it has affected my sleep patterns and now they are basically manifesting in my sleep. (I also talk, laugh and cry while sleeping.)  The prescription: 7 hours ONLY in bed and a (low dose of) xanax before bedtime. The 7 hours thing didn't work out- I was more a zombie than ever- so I made it 8 hours. The xanax is helping, I haven't had a hallucination since the first night I started taking it. And I'm doing my best to keep to the sleep schedule. So far so good, I feel better.

But it started me thinking about depression again, and I actually think though I don't feel like I'm depressed...I may actually be. My life...it's not that I've failed to live up to any sort of dreams I had for myself...but it's still not what I expected. In terms of men I guess. I never knew what I'd be when I grew up, but I always assumed I'd be with someone. I think I'm just having a really hard time understanding why, especially when it's so easy to look around at all the couples everywhere and compare myself. 

I mean, I know why I was single up until a year ago. But since then so much of my mental state has changed and yet I'm still in the same exact fucking spot I've always been.  I contacted three more guys online. One responded to an "I'm interested in you" sort of auto message on the site with "is that so?" WTF? I know he's probably just playing but I'm so not. Either you like my profile or you don't. (My BFF thinks I should have responded with that. She thinks a guy who wants a cool girl would think that was a great response. I'm not so sure.) I'm perfectly capable of matching your wit but not right off the bat. There's no way through email you'd be able to read my sarcasm without thinking I'm a bitch. One wrote back, yes let's get together! but when I wrote back to him (very short message asking what's up next week) he never responded again. For a moment there I got excited that I might have a date. And one just never responded period. At the moment I have the most respect for him. 

I realize online dating is not the be-all end-all but it's just so frustrating. Why do guys respond with interest and then drop you? I've been trying to go out to meet people too but that doesn't seem to be working all that well either. In the end though, face to face will be the only way it works. So I'm going to sign up for different art and music classes and do some living social outdoor sports stuff and just hope for the best. I took surfing lessons for this purpose. Surfing lessons. I was friendly and smiling and even though I'm no volleyball player I look decent in a bikini, but I didn't get a second glance. It really is depressing. 

I texted the BFF that I wasn't sure I believed in fate anymore. Life is what it is. She told me to stop depressing her. 

Maybe my confidence is too high. Is that possible for a single woman in her mid thirties? I know who I am, I'm aware of my faults and I like myself (for the most part). But none of this means I think I'm better than anyone else or that men should be falling at my feet. I do believe that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so therefore a person will always have someone else find them attractive. My question is where are the few that behold me? Why don't they speak up?

The husband of a good friend of mine visited the city for work awhile ago and we had dinner. I've known him a good number of years now so I asked him to be honest with me. I said, "what was your first impression of me?" He actually wasn't the best guy to ask because my friend had shown him a college video of me (before we met) and her being really silly for a class project. So he already knew that I had a fun side. He did tell me once that he thought I was the most together person he knew. Then he found out I was in therapy and on medication. Ha. So then I asked if he thought I was intimidating in general to guys. He said that wasn't the right word- he said I carried myself with confidence (which was cool) but also with a wounded air of sorts. He didn't say more but I'm guessing a wounded air is not something with which guys are interested in getting involved. In retrospect I'm not sure if he said this because he knows a little about how badly I've been hurt in the past, or if I really do still have a guarded default face. 

All I know is I'm trying and I'm frustrated. And possibly depressed. Again. It just shouldn't have to be this hard. It seems, and maybe it really is only seems, but it seems like it's not for most people. So now I'll have my tantrum and ask why is it for me?

Crazy

Last night was tough. There is a deep sense of loneliness I am still unwilling to totally admit I feel and I'm not sure why. Well that's not true. I guess it goes back to my independence issues and having to admit that I actually need another human being to be part of my life. As always on the surface everything is great. I am loving my new freelance lifestyle, I am especially loving not having to commute amongst thousands of inconsiderate people who make me angry, and I'm still being social...at least as social as I've ever been. I've even joined a few groups on meetup .com. I'm happy.

But then suddenly out of nowhere I cried last night. Couldn't sleep, couldn't shut off my brain. I haven't done that since therapy. Possibly hormones, possibly the frustration I still have with myself just surfacing again. I don't know. I just wish it would leave me alone. I haven't posted in awhile because it actually has been leaving me alone- I guess I should be grateful for that. So I guess what I mean is leave me alone forever. I just received an email from someone who called me 'clearly nuts'. If he only knew the stuff I don't post that goes on in my head. Maybe I am crazy. But crazy people find other people all the time. Where's my other crazy half?

My mother once said that she wanted me to find someone and get married because then she'd know I was happy and it would make her happy. Sometimes her view of the world can be simplistic. I know her heart is in the right place but it ended up feeling like pressure. Like her happiness depends on me getting married. It's irrational and by some people's account crazy I know, but I can't stop the knee jerk reaction. It's a product of the emotional environment I grew up in.

So the other day I said to her, "what if I don't ever find someone?" just to get a reaction and admittedly to hear someone say to me yet again, "don't be ridiculous you'll find someone. He's out there." Apparently I am in need of some positive reinforcement. Her reply was completely unexpected. "Well, sometimes people don't. Look at your aunt and your cousin." My aunt, rest her soul, never married and my cousin who is older than me is still single. I wonder, in retrospect, if this shows a little growth on her part but at the time it just made me want to run out into the middle of traffic.

Why couldn't she have f'ed me up in some other way? I would gladly take her fear of water, her struggling self-confidence or even her fear of travel over whatever the hell my problem with relationships is. It's so fundamental...so baseline...so essential to being human and I feel like I'm just totally missing that building block in my foundation. I've just been rolling around with a little piece missing but didn't know it until someone cut me and it started to bleed. Six years of blog posts later, Shel Silverstein would be disappointed in me.

The Business of Solitude

The happiest of all lives is a busy solitude. ~Voltaire

My old mantra popped back into my consciousness as of late: Maybe I'm meant to be alone. Having quit my job and now am in waiting for freelance work I've had a lot of time with my solitude. A lot. I knew before I quit that this might happen, but I took my chances. I've been more or less keeping myself busy with all the things I've always wanted to get done, but no one can be busy 24/7. Thus I am pretty happy according to Voltaire (he's not wrong), except during the moments when I'm not.

I don't really believe anyone is meant to be alone, but it is definitely much harder for some of us than others to escape the solo situation. Once we leave the transient, yet structured institutions of education how do we meet new people? As much as I want it to, the online thing just isn't working. How can a relatively normal woman who leans a little to the introverted side find someone? I came across a website that does a sort of singles travel thing which I'm very interested in, but I have to get my finances in order before I can even think about that.

The bff and I were discussing how I could get "out there" again. I said, you know people have just shown me over and over how shit they can be. She said, yeah but you only need one to show you he's not. I said, so how do you find a needle in a haystack when you're allergic to hay?

Awesomeness

Last night I dreamed (dreamt?) my yoga instructor (who I have a yogi crush on) and Lady Gaga, amongst many other random celebrities, were at a party that was taking place in my childhood home. We were in my bedroom, complete with pink carpet, tie die peace poster and full length princess mirror in the corner. I don't have a particular love for Gaga so I'm not sure why she was there, but I thought my best friends would die if they saw a picture of me and La Gaags in my childhood bedroom. So in an act that makes total sense I handed her the camera and she started taking pictures of me and my yogi crush.

I feel like the last year of my life has gone on this way. Something happens that seems awesome and then for some unknown reason I turn around and do something completely inane.

All I can do is hope that one of these times the outcome of my backwardness is awesome too.

Career Nutshell in the Vaguest Sense

Well, well 2012, better late than never, no? I've been waiting patiently for you for ages. I know you've got lots of things, good things, hidden in the months of your year and I can't wait for them. You're like my life's Santa Claus and I've been a very, very good girl so shower me with gifts dammit. I deserve it.

About six months ago I quit a job with a company I had been with for eight and a half years. I worked my way up through the ranks at a painfully slow rate comparatively speaking to some of my (i'm going to say it please don't cringe) male counterparts. Despite being constantly told how talented and valuable I was, I watched two male co-workers come from behind me and get promoted above me, one right after the other. I work in a male dominated field (which is allegedly changing) but as far as my career goes I have always been at most one of two women in the department. My lack of stepping up for myself, an insecure, vindictive female boss and the relative charm and smarts of my male co-workers (whom I don't blame) kept me from rising the ranks faster. It sucks to have to admit that I played a part in how hard my career has been. At any rate, I spent many years there frustrated but unable to get a job elsewhere. When I was finally denied my latest promotion, and told to my face in so many words that they knew I was totally capable of handling the job but they were going with someone else, I quit.

It was a great feeling.

Of course I did have another job lined up which gave me the promotion I deserved.

And I was SO excited. My own optimism still surprises me at times. I couldn't wait to do all the things I had been denied and to be part of a new creative team that was about to embark on a huge project. The timing seemed impeccable.

Then I started the new job. I liked my boss a lot but I couldn't quit seem to get into the groove of his creative sense. It wasn't until later that I realized it was because his creative sense is insane. I quickly learned the big company project was handed to an outside vendor and the internal day to day job seemed way harder than it needed to be, especially because in retrospect I was only doing the work of the position below me. After three months I started to think maybe this wasn't going to get better, the creative process was unstructured, frustrating and not conducive to good work. After another month I realized it was only going to get worse. The directors I worked with still tried to do my job while failing to do their own. It's like having the IT guy standing over your shoulder telling you what to do and then shoving you out of your chair to do it himself but then not really knowing what he's doing so he makes the problem worse. (No offense IT guys, but you know you do it.) By month five I decided to quit and after month six, which will be this coming Friday, I will be set free.

The difference is, aside from the time length, is this time I don't have a job lined up.

I am relying on my reputation (it's a small industry) and my connections to hopefully get me freelance work and the thought of not having a boss, not having to call anyone when I'm sick or having to ask for time off, makes my head spin with excitement. This is what I should have done long ago, but I know it never would have worked had I tried it before. I hate to say it, but it's only because of what I've been through that I have the confidence to go solo. It's thrilling.

I haven't felt this happy in a long time.

As you can probably guess there is no update on the men front. I seem to be unable or unwilling to handle both the professional and personal sides of life when something stressful happens on the work side. I'm hoping though with a change this big in my professional life the stresses I've faced before won't be an issue. There won't be anyone promoted past me or a boss choking my career. AND as a freelancer I'm hoping to be exposed to a lot more people- i.e. to meet a lot more men.

As always time will tell.

NSA

I watched her write it in my chart wearing an expression I'm sure read that hurts. Not Sexually Active. There is nothing derogatory or even slightly negative about it, it's just a medical fact simply stated. But man it still stings to see someone else put it out there, even if she is a doctor who has most likely written that in other women's charts without judgement. At least I hope.

My annual this year hurt like hell. I'm not sure why it seems to be more painful as I get older...maybe it's because physical pain is easily forgotten. At any rate, I tried to tell her I didn't need a pap this year as I am still clearly NSA but she said it had been three years and blah blah blah. I didn't fight it. Though if I had known I'd be walking around with what felt like an internal paper cut I would have.

Every once in a while I check out site meter and find out what leads people to my blog. And still, three years later, it's this post. After reading all the comments I have certainly had to re-evaluate all I've been told and consequently what I believe about my own health. It was a surprise to discover patriarchy has his dirty hands in what has clearly become a profitable industry: women's health. A US Government Health Panel has decided against an annual

"...blood test to screen for prostate cancer because the test does not save lives over all and often leads to more tests and treatments that needlessly cause pain..."

but yet Pap Smears, which often produce false negatives, aren't necessary for all women all the time and are also a source of needless anxiety, are "being performed against guidelines" and add to health care costs as well.

(2007 CDC statistics)

http://www.cdc.gov/cancer/cervical/statistics/index.htm

• 12,280 women in the United States were diagnosed with cervical cancer.
• 4,021 women in the United States died from cervical cancer

http://www.cdc.gov/cancer/prostate/statistics/

• 223,307 men in the United States were diagnosed with prostate cancer.
• 29,093 men in the United States died from prostate cancer

It never occurred to me that something was being forced on me that I didn't need. I knew I had to have one in order to get on the pill and I blindly accepted it as a part of keeping myself healthy. I should have known better. I am a big fan of educating yourself to protect yourself from circumstances such as these, but I'm also aware not everyone has access to education. Hell, I consider myself pretty intelligent but here I sit not knowing I'm being forced to do something I don't want or even necessarily need. How do you know when standard practices are wrong? It also (being wrapped up in my own American life) never occurred to me that women the world over are dealing with unwanted but required tests in an even uglier way.

I can't help but think someone has to be profiting from this otherwise it wouldn't be happening. The medical industry is just another notch in big corporate greed's belt. Or elsewhere in the world just another way to keep women in their place, scared and at someone else's behest.

Your sexual health, whether you are active or not, is an extremely important part of life. I'm just no longer sure who to trust to maintain my health. I'll still go to the doctor but I just won't believe every last thing I hear without looking it up for myself. Maybe it's not too late to go to medical school.

Strike Two

I asked another guy out, who by the way indicated on my profile of a certain dating site that he was interested in me FIRST, and he never responded.

Seriously?

Can I just get a date?

I know it may sound like I'm coming on strong but I swear I'm not. Aggressive is the last thing I know how to be so I don't get it.

I also realize that now that I'm finally ready both intellectually and emotionally to date doesn't mean it's going to happen this instant. But I mean, come on! Both of the guys I asked sent me either a subtle or a literal message they were interested, or at least liked me in some way.

I know I know. Patience grasshopper. I've got to be honest, it's not my strong suit. Lately I pretty much want to ask every guy I think is cute on the street if he wants to go for coffee.

Now that's a little desperate with a touch of aggressive. Especially considering I don't even drink coffee.

Mission: Turning New Leaf Accomplished

I asked a guy out today.

He said no, but in the sweetest way possible.

He's a nice boy.

I still like him.

I received an email from an ex-co-worker yesterday. We didn't really know each other that well and only worked directly together maybe once, but he sent an email to see how my new job was going. I always thought he was cute and despite not being together that often I sort of got the feeling he liked me. I never responded because a) we worked together and b) he's so young! At least 10 years my junior.

Anyway, the fact that he sent an email out of the blue made me think maybe he was interested in getting together, so I replied with an ask. Paraphrased it went like this: "at the risk of sounding dumb, I've always thought you were cute and now that we don't work together why don't we go out?"

He replied with an answer full of compliments that made me smile. Paraphrased it went like this: "I've always thought you were cute too, but I've actually just started seeing someone and want to see where it goes. But I want you to know that I would totally go out with you otherwise."

Sigh. I know I just started but can I please just get the timing right?

Yellow Equals Cute and Taken, Apparently

Scene: Queen Vee stops at the organic market (yes I'm one of those people. I've seen one too many documentaries on the way our food is prepared and am freaked out enough to bleed more money for the ancient way of growing food. Naturally.) on her way home from work. She waits at the deli counter for her half pound of honey turkey as a male walks up. She instantly turns 13.

QV: oooo he's cute! he's tall! i love his yellow t-shirt, how cute! he's cute! i should say something! say something! ooo he has a nice body too.
(looks away, a little surprised that she actually noticed his body)
Second Deli Counter Guy: Next?
(cute guy doesn't move)
QV: wait, is he cute or am i telling myself that because i really, REALLY want to go on a date already?
(steals another glance)
Second Deli Counter Guy: Next?
(cute guy still doesn't move)
QV: no he's cute. say something! say something dammit! eerrrr what if he's married. does he have a ring?
(tries inconspicuously to look at his hand)
QV: no ring. but what about a girlfriend? well the only way to find out is to SAY SOMETHING. he probably has one. he's wearing a yellow shirt AND he's cute.
Second Deli Counter Guy: Next?
(cute guy yet still doesn't move)
QV: (raises her hand and sort of points at the deli guy) um...do you...?
Cute Guy: I'm still thinking.
QV: oh ok. ok now say something else. SAY SOMETHING ELSE.
First Deli Counter Guy: here you go!
QV: thank you! (smiles broadly making sure to look at cute guy still wearing the smile as she turns around)

Queen Vee heads over to produce, defeated.

QV: well, at least you smiled. that's a first.

Fin.

Let Go, Robot, Let Go

May, June, July, August...It's amazing how everything and nothing can change and stand still at what feels like exactly the same time. In the last four months my life has turned absolutely upside down, and yet right now, at this moment, I'm in exactly the same place I was a year ago before I had the meltdown and sought therapy. Well, with the exception that I am now well-adjusted and not floating in a sea of depression. So there's that.

In short, I traveled to Asia for two weeks, I bought a car, I quit my job because I found a better one, I terminated therapy, I will soon terminate the medication and I adopted two shelter pets. Out of all of that, I can't believe I didn't adopt my fur balls sooner. I wanted them but kept telling myself I couldn't handle it, the catastrophist that I am, so I lived without. Having animals greet me when I get home is the absolute greatest feeling. Being able to love something that loves you back unconditionally is doubly amazing...and before you start shaking your head I am not replacing romantic love with pet love, I'm just saying it's really nice to have a little daily love even if it comes in a little furry package.

My life is pretty amazing. I'm so grateful for all that I have, all that I've been able to work to achieve, and all I've become in my 33 years of life but I'm still clueless as to how I've not crossed paths with someone I'm attracted to and want to spend time with yet. After a year of therapy I've come to recognize a lot of patterns, protections and defense mechanisms that have lead me to this point in my emotional life, but it still doesn't explain everything. My therapist did not want me to stop but I'd had enough. It was way more stressful to go than it should have been and I needed a break. I needed to feel normal to some extent again.

I'm not saying I'll never go back because I am now aware of not only how much I needed it but also how much it helped me. However from this point on right now I need to take the next steps (to finding and getting into a relationship) on my own. I don't think she appreciated me feeling like therapy was a crutch, or rather a symbol that I was handicapping myself before I'd even started, but she understood it was holding me back from actually seeking a relationship. A glaring reason to not stop therapy I suppose but what could she do? No means no. It is one of my flaws that I need to experience my emotions privately, but it was one of my life lessons to discover that I need to share them afterwards.

So me having uninviting body language and shying away from social interactions aside, I've been told by friends and friends of friends after the fact that someone was interested in me. My newly encouraging mother says men are afraid of smart, pretty, successful women. So the fact that I'm smart and on the quiet side while socializing makes me a target not worth pursuing? Uh. I need a guy who sees that and takes a stab instead of pretending like I don't exist because I seem unattainable. Even if that was true in the past (being unattainable) maybe I would have more confidence if guys had more confidence and approached me. As much as that twists my feminist panties in a bunch to admit, it's nice to get the attention and it's only natural that it would boost my ego. Sometimes I need that. There I said it.

I try not to live my life regretting things, but every once in a while I wonder where I'd be today if I had kept the open heart I once had as a young girl. If I had some how made it through with even one less heartache so it hadn't slammed shut as hard as it did and for so long. But then I guess if I had maybe I wouldn't be as strong or as successful as I am. Who knows. I used to be a big proponent of 'things happen for a reason'. Now I believe things just happen. Sometimes you make them happen, sometimes they happen on their own. Control is an illusion, though it doesn't stop me from thinking I can have it. It's hard to approach finding someone to be with from both of these perspectives (making it happen and happening on its own) because I tend to lean to one side, depending on the day. My next step is to stop analyzing it so much and just let it go.

Let it go.

The theme of my life apparently. It took me 10 years to let go the pain I felt from one broken friendship, which is terrifying in terms of getting into a romantic relationship where love is supposed to be a truly binding connection. But my eyes are so much wider now and I can see so much more...and I've even come to accept that pain is part of it, it just doesn't have to be all consuming. I know I'll need help with that one if and when the time comes but at the very least I know that now. I don't have to lose another 10 years trying to suppress it while convincing myself I'm happy with all I have. It was a valiant effort but I only failed myself. Yet another type of pain to let go.

I do still believe that life is what you make it- and so I am happy with all I have I just know it's ok to want more...even if it contradicts everything I think. Not everything has to be rational. It's called being human. I think for a while there I was attempting to be a robot. It was just easier. So I've really tried to change my outer vibe- I'm smiling more and chatting more and just trying to invite the good in. I found another dating website that actually has potential and I'm trying to be more social in order to meet more people. So far it's a nice change. I haven't met anyone (or gone a date) yet, but I'm way closer than I've ever been before. Baby steps.

Note To Self

Dear Emotional self:

Why are you so far behind the rest of us? Why are you anchored to 2001? Financial self has grown tremendously! She refinanced her mortgage by herself and is taking steps to understand how to invest her money. Physical self is getting a little bit of an ego now that she has committed to yoga and can actually see tone in her arms and belly. And intellectual self, yours truly, has finally come to terms with her achievements and failures and her view of the future. She has finally admitted that finding someone to share her life with is not only important, but something she actually desires. Now that her priorities have changed, things are supposed to start falling in place. The only thing holding it all up is you emotional self. Yes you. With all your abstract fears and irrationalities you are weighing us down and making it very hard to take even the smallest step forward. Now I admit, I am not without fault here, I did manage to repress you for a good ten years, but now's your chance! You're free! Let it out! Catch the hell up to the rest of us before sexual self starts making noise and wakes self loathing self. Because no one wants that. She's such a bitch. So please emotional self, I implore you. Forgive me and let go of what happened. You are stronger now, it could never happen again. Start on a new track. Life is waiting for us.

Love,
Intellectual self

Crisis Completion, Next Mission

My whole existence has been fueled by an internal war. So many of my desires are completely contradicted by my behavior, and most of the while I've been aware of it. It's like I'm looking at myself under an enormous magnifying glass but my arms are strapped down and I've lost my voice. It's incredibly frustrating to feel paralyzed when you know your limbs work perfectly well.

What I've learned through this 'crisis' as my therapist calls it, is that there are repeating themes in my life stemming from the same behaviors. To name a few: I don't want to rely on or accept anyone's help because of the fierce independence I'm not even sure how I came to possess. I don't trust people because I'm afraid of what they will eventually want to take from me. That stems from knowing that I put others before myself even if it's to my own detriment and from experiencing painful friendships where I was taken advantage of for precisely that. I have a hard time standing up for myself because I don't want anyone to feel angry or bad or what have you. I think this also stems from putting other's feelings/needs ahead of my own. I run from confrontation because I don't want to get emotional. It goes on.

I thought I had been to the bottom of my emotional barrel and back but it turns out there's a whole other barrel I didn't even see.

I tried to end therapy. Again. I've been feeling really good lately and the sessions were becoming a source of anxiety. It felt like I was just chatting about my week and repeating myself about the whole dating thing. I wanted to stop them so I could enjoy the bit of happiness I've reclaimed. She said that if my goal was to get through the 'crisis' then yes, it has been reached. But there is still an underlying interpersonal issue that hasn't quite come to light yet that will surely come back at another point. She actually said, "don't you want to take care of this while you're still young?" I laughed. I don't feel young. Then again, I often feel like I'm 16 so I guess it's really irrelevant.

I don't feel like I can 'get out there' and meet people while I'm in therapy, because I don't want to talk about it and know that I will have to. I'm so sick of talking about myself and my feelings, I just want to clam up and enjoy my solitude again. I also feel the need to process things by myself. Sharing something new doesn't sit well with me. (E.g., I didn't tell anyone about Red until I'd known him a few weeks.) But I know this is exactly the same state I was in before I became dysthymic, and I would definitely end up there again if I didn't force myself to change my behavior and actively look for someone. So I am at a total standstill. I want to stop therapy to meet someone but I should stay in order to figure it out while with someone. I'm at a point now where I despise myself for all of this, but I know I have to do something different than I was before. Therapy is different. I guess. The part of me that wants to end it also believes that I am totally capable of getting into a relationship without any help. But there's a little voice that squeaks, "what if I'm not?" I hate that voice but for now I guess I'm going to keep going.

Ah Catch 22, how you stab at my heart.

So ok guys. Queen Vee is going to try to meet you. Just as soon as I return from a two week vacation halfway across the world. (And a much needed break from therapy.)

Promise.

And Scene.

All that optimism from a few days ago?
Half it.
That's about where I am today.
Due to insurance issues I had to take a break from therapy. A few days ago was my first time back in about a month. I was all ready to walk in there and talk about how good I felt and maybe end therapy while continuing the medication until summer. Instead she made me realize that just because I felt better in one respect doesn't mean I had it all figured out. I sort of knew that, but I thought I was more on the way to being able to handle it.
Guess not.
Tears yet again for reasons I could not place, aside from disappointment and the realization that I'm still putting myself under so much pressure one unexpected thing happens and I break.
Sigh.

Phase 5

What is it about time that allows it to speed by sometimes and drag on others? Different cultures perceive time in different ways, but the ones without time fascinate me. Like the Hopi. There is no past or future verb tenses. The closest they come is sooner and later. Imagine what life would be like without the constant cultural pressure to prepare for the future and remember the past because it makes you who you are. In some ways it sounds amazing. It would be so much easier to focus on what's happening now, living life as it happens, rather than suffering the past or worrying over the future. In other ways it seems sad, because memories are a big part of who we are and who hasn't dreamed about something fantastical happening to them in the future?

Time for me feels like it should be measured in phases:
0-6 phase 1: generally, oblivious bliss.
7-13 phase 2: learning the real differences between girls and boys and what's happening to my body?
14-17 phase 3: (for many) testing the boy/girl waters and figuring out who you are.
18-27 phase 4: thinking you know who you are, getting shredded and having to start over.
28-35 phase 5: realizing control is an illusion, a coping device for the human condition, and figuring out what to do next.
etc...

So by definition then I would be 5. That sounds about right. I've reached a point in my life where everything I used to think I would do when I grew up, I should have done by now. It is my experience that the two have not coincided. What I thought I'd be doing and what I am actually doing aren't the same. And for a good while there, it terrified me. It angered me. It depressed, confused and shattered me. And as you already know it sent me down a path of isolation, self-deprivation and sadness to a place where nothing seemed to make sense. Fortunately I finally recognized just how lost I felt and found another path to try to get me back.

To back up my age 5 theory, 3 of my friends in the past few months have told me how full of rage and often sadness they feel. Despite the 4 of us leading very different lives, I think they're experiencing the same thing. There's just a point where no matter how good or bad your life is going, unconsciously you realize it isn't what you had in mind and all you are left with is an acute discontentment you cannot place. Life is harder than that and even harder to accept that you didn't live it how you wanted to, or rather, it didn't turn out how you expected. It just sort of...happened. You end up feeling crazy because your emotions flick back and forth to the extremes and you don't know why. I know I sound like a ridiculous new ager, but it really is about accepting what you cannot control.

And that has been the biggest lesson I've learned. Just to make it clear, I've always known that I've needed to accept what I can't control, but a lot of people don't realize that no matter how your intellect sees it, your emotional self needs to see it too. Being that my intellectual and emotional selves have been separated for so long, it's no wonder why I couldn't actually feel the acceptance.

It has taken five months of therapy (and a little medication I will admit) to bring my two selves back together. That's not to say they're happily remarried and living in the country, it's just a start. I feel like my heart has finally caught up to my head in certain important respects which is what I guess I've been unconsciously fighting this whole time. I don't believe that it will never happen again, but I'm more aware now of how my mind works and that I do need to give myself time to accept things, trust things and believe in things again. I still have fears and other annoying insecurities which I still need to work through, and frankly I don't know if they will ever be resolved by my own doing, but I finally feel like I'm at least headed in the right direction. It's a relief.

Haven't ended therapy yet but I am considering it. I will try to write more about other things I worked through in sessions if you are interested. But as per usual with me it will take some time. Because we all know there's never enough of it!
Hope you are all doing well.
Maybe phase 6 will finally reconcile who/where I am with who/where I want to be. Time's a'wastin'!

The Catastrophist

Queen Virgin: The Catastrophist. It's my new sub title. You like?

It has been quite a windy road these past few weeks...months even. Therapy is going...well it's going. I don't have anything to compare it to so I'm not sure if it's great, so-so or completely unhelpful. I still cry during every session, most of the time for reasons I cannot place, but I'm not depressed. In the past around this time I've gone down, recovered somewhat for Christmas and the New Year but then fell right down again when the winter took its hold on me. I suppose because I am feeling mostly normal right now that it's a start in the right direction. One of change anyway.

K calls me a catastrophist. I'm always thinking about how things explode in the end before I even attempt to begin them. I've known that I do that concerning guys and dating, but I've recently realized that I do it almost across the board when dealing with emotional issues. I have the habit of downplaying things because I don't want them to blow up. That is to say, I never make a big deal out of anything, I lessen my importance in my friend's lives by clamming up and I run from any sort of disagreement. I didn't know how big a part of my life it played until my doctor said, "it sounds like you have a tendency to put your own feelings last". Like when I make plans for my birthday and go to a restaurant everyone can afford rather than the one I want to go to that's a little more because I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable. Or not calling a friend when I really need to talk because I know they're busy and don't want to interrupt them. Or when I let people treat me badly because I don't want to say anything that would make them feel bad. Across the board.

So I don't make a big deal out of anything and I end up getting hurt because I don't let anyone know what's important to me...but, and here's the kicker, if I did let them know what was important to me and they disappointed me I would end up getting hurt. That is the latest gem I learned in session.

And really all this does is oil the self-loathing fire I had managed to get to low simmer.

At some point I felt the walls going up and the urge to just block everything out coming on strong again. Almost like I was holding the anchor of depression and I could just let it go and sink or I could tie it up. I decided to reach out to a friend who I've sort of been to hell and back with (who oddly enough is not K) because I know she of all my friends is the most like me and knows me about as well as I know myself. I told her how many times I wanted to call but didn't because I know she's busy, but admittedly more so because I couldn't take it if she answered and actually said she couldn't talk right at that moment. She could not grasp how that would be just as crushing to me as if something tragic happened and I called and she said she couldn't come. Though I am aware that not being able to talk on the phone and not physically coming to help a friend in dire need are at opposite ends of the spectrum, the emotional result for me would be the same. She kept saying there's no way in hell any of my friends wouldn't come if I called, and the chances of me needing someone like that are pretty low anyway, but I couldn't get her to understand my...my catastophist'y. I couldn't tell her how every time she rescheduled our dinner my heart sunk. A great example of a) not letting her know how important she is to me and b) putting my feelings last. I didn't want her to feel bad about hurting me, though she was completely unaware of it and had legitimate excuses to reschedule. See I know how irrational my emotions are so I bury them. I count only on myself and loathe any form of needing someone because needing someone ultimately leads to getting hurt.

Oh there is so much more, but I'm tired. Hopefully I'll have some more time to write soon-

So Many Things!

"Well, I'm finally a real New Yorker. I have a therapist now!"
-QV

This is pretty much how I told my friends about my latest venture into the mess of my mental health. Only one said outright she knew something wasn't quite right with me, but probably never said anything because, well, what can you say? Why are you acting weird, but not in a constant, definable way? They all understood though and gave me props for taking the steps to try to help myself. A few of them felt bad about not being able to help which made me feel good and bad at the same time- good because they care, bad because that was not my intent upon telling them. How could they help when I hid it all from them?

I still don't like therapy, but it's a little easier now that I've gotten a handle on myself and my emotions. I'm not quite sure the latter is a good thing because I need to remember how to be emotional without breaking down, but at the moment I'm not involved in anything really emotionally driven (outside of work which is causing me frustration) to test it. I still feel awkward at times because I don't know what to say and I don't want to repeat myself every session. It actually makes me laugh to think in literal terms about how I'm basically shelling out a ton of money to someone to listen to me talk about myself for 45 minutes.
It's weird.

I decided to start taking medication. It's been three weeks and I have to say I think it is working. My irritation level has decreased and I think that because I started feeling better before I started the meds it's done its job to keep me from falling back into a depression. My last wedding was last weekend and I still feel pretty good. After the previous three weddings I felt sad and down on myself. It was a destination wedding which lasted three days- I met a ton of new people and was stuck in the position where I had to be social with a ton of new people every night...and I actually enjoyed it. I had fun all three nights, days too! I'm finally feeling little bits of my old self coming back.

In other news my decision to get over myself and stop making excuses has lead me to take a baby step and sign up for a dating site. I'm a little worried about the fact that the first group of guys interested in me are all over 40. Not that there is anything wrong with that, I just have a lower number as my cutoff and it sort of strikes me as either careless or desperate. Don't start yelling, I'm still looking at their profiles and checking them out, I'm just saying. A lot of the older guys I used to work with had puppy dog eyes for me too. Odd.

I did get one email that just said 'sexy as hell'. I'm not being sarcastic when I say it was nice to read, especially because none of my pictures have any element of sexiness to them. My question to you guys is, should I respond to the nice emails I get if I have no intention of continuing emailing? I'd like to say thanks, but I'm afraid it will it send the wrong message if I'm not interested in them. What should I do?

One last note of thanks to all of you who sent good comments and thoughts my way and who are pulling for me. It means more than I can say.

xo
QV