May, June, July, August...It's amazing how everything and nothing can change and stand still at what feels like exactly the same time. In the last four months my life has turned absolutely upside down, and yet right now, at this moment, I'm in exactly the same place I was a year ago before I had the meltdown and sought therapy. Well, with the exception that I am now well-adjusted and not floating in a sea of depression. So there's that.
In short, I traveled to Asia for two weeks, I bought a car, I quit my job because I found a better one, I terminated therapy, I will soon terminate the medication and I adopted two shelter pets. Out of all of that, I can't believe I didn't adopt my fur balls sooner. I wanted them but kept telling myself I couldn't handle it, the catastrophist that I am, so I lived without. Having animals greet me when I get home is the absolute greatest feeling. Being able to love something that loves you back unconditionally is doubly amazing...and before you start shaking your head I am not replacing romantic love with pet love, I'm just saying it's really nice to have a little daily love even if it comes in a little furry package.
My life is pretty amazing. I'm so grateful for all that I have, all that I've been able to work to achieve, and all I've become in my 33 years of life but I'm still clueless as to how I've not crossed paths with someone I'm attracted to and want to spend time with yet. After a year of therapy I've come to recognize a lot of patterns, protections and defense mechanisms that have lead me to this point in my emotional life, but it still doesn't explain everything. My therapist did not want me to stop but I'd had enough. It was way more stressful to go than it should have been and I needed a break. I needed to feel normal to some extent again.
I'm not saying I'll never go back because I am now aware of not only how much I needed it but also how much it helped me. However from this point on right now I need to take the next steps (to finding and getting into a relationship) on my own. I don't think she appreciated me feeling like therapy was a crutch, or rather a symbol that I was handicapping myself before I'd even started, but she understood it was holding me back from actually seeking a relationship. A glaring reason to not stop therapy I suppose but what could she do? No means no. It is one of my flaws that I need to experience my emotions privately, but it was one of my life lessons to discover that I need to share them afterwards.
So me having uninviting body language and shying away from social interactions aside, I've been told by friends and friends of friends after the fact that someone was interested in me. My newly encouraging mother says men are afraid of smart, pretty, successful women. So the fact that I'm smart and on the quiet side while socializing makes me a target not worth pursuing? Uh. I need a guy who sees that and takes a stab instead of pretending like I don't exist because I seem unattainable. Even if that was true in the past (being unattainable) maybe I would have more confidence if guys had more confidence and approached me. As much as that twists my feminist panties in a bunch to admit, it's nice to get the attention and it's only natural that it would boost my ego. Sometimes I need that. There I said it.
I try not to live my life regretting things, but every once in a while I wonder where I'd be today if I had kept the open heart I once had as a young girl. If I had some how made it through with even one less heartache so it hadn't slammed shut as hard as it did and for so long. But then I guess if I had maybe I wouldn't be as strong or as successful as I am. Who knows. I used to be a big proponent of 'things happen for a reason'. Now I believe things just happen. Sometimes you make them happen, sometimes they happen on their own. Control is an illusion, though it doesn't stop me from thinking I can have it. It's hard to approach finding someone to be with from both of these perspectives (making it happen and happening on its own) because I tend to lean to one side, depending on the day. My next step is to stop analyzing it so much and just let it go.
Let it go.
The theme of my life apparently. It took me 10 years to let go the pain I felt from one broken friendship, which is terrifying in terms of getting into a romantic relationship where love is supposed to be a truly binding connection. But my eyes are so much wider now and I can see so much more...and I've even come to accept that pain is part of it, it just doesn't have to be all consuming. I know I'll need help with that one if and when the time comes but at the very least I know that now. I don't have to lose another 10 years trying to suppress it while convincing myself I'm happy with all I have. It was a valiant effort but I only failed myself. Yet another type of pain to let go.
I do still believe that life is what you make it- and so I am happy with all I have I just know it's ok to want more...even if it contradicts everything I think. Not everything has to be rational. It's called being human. I think for a while there I was attempting to be a robot. It was just easier. So I've really tried to change my outer vibe- I'm smiling more and chatting more and just trying to invite the good in. I found another dating website that actually has potential and I'm trying to be more social in order to meet more people. So far it's a nice change. I haven't met anyone (or gone a date) yet, but I'm way closer than I've ever been before. Baby steps.
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