Scratch That

I try to be honest with myself. I do. But in reading over my last post for the eight hundredth time many of my answers just don't feel quite right. I realize there are a lot of things I tell myself to make living life the way I do bearable. I escape a lot into movies, tv, music...my own imagination, because they make me feel without complicating my life. I have managed to scrape away all the drama in my every day existence to the point where I feel numb. Only that's not quite right either. It's more like the absence of drama and emotion makes for such an even keel there is nothing to feel. I look around me and have to admit that everyone I know is at an equal arms length away from me. Even my closest friends, whom I love and know would do anything for me, are just outside that line where disappointment remains just that instead growing into hurt or anger, the gut feelings behind disappointment.

Is that lack of trust in people doing it? Or have I just accepted that life means being disappointed and hurt and angry at times so I've armored myself against dealing with it? As strong as I like to pretend I am, I know that I have the potential to shatter.

I also know I have the potential to be melodramatic, at least internally. I'm pretty sure no one would say I behave that way.

So how do you reconcile feeling like you're unraveling with feeling like you're being overly dramatic? Like your problem is both huge and irrelevant?

I just don't know. I've made myself sad now. I'm going to go ponder why I ever thought isolating myself inside a small group of friends was ever a good idea.

Here Goes Nothing...

Thanks to the two brave souls who asked questions!


1. What are you the most scared of when it comes to finding someone?

Hmmm...that is a really hard question I think because I've come to realize that over the years it has actually changed, or possibly become a foundation I've built other fears upon. In the beginning it was purely sex. I was scared to death of getting an STD or worse, pregnant. Then it became my independence. I didn't want to give up my time to have to spend with anyone. Then it became about the relationship itself. Like you anom, I became completely insecure about never having had one, but for me the fear was more about my behavior. How do I act? What do I do? Can I say no to things? What's expected of me?

Now? It's most likely a combination of all of those things put together, but for the most part it's gone back to the sex. I know most people say it's an awkward act anyway and that you can't really do it wrong so to speak, but that doesn't change the fact that I still feel like I can. I'm nervous that it will hurt but ultimately I think I'm just scared I'm going to embarrass myself.

About the relationship itself though? I have to admit I will most likely play it cool until I'm ready to tell him that I don't have a line of ex-boyfriends. I consider it something intimate that he will have earned knowing and it will probably step the relationship up if he's not freaked out by it. Actually I'm sure the virginity thing will come up at the same time so in essence it's all a matter of timing. I think the reason revealing not only my virginity but my non-relationship status is not my number one fear (it's definitely still a cause of anxiety) is that I most likely won't tell him until I'm comfortable with him. And if we are that deep into it, I mean, if I trust him enough and he gets to know me well and that's when he walks away, c'est la vie. Yes, it will suck and probably hurt like hell depending on how deeply I feel for him, but if such a side note in what makes me me bothers him enough to end it, he's not good enough for me. That is his issue to bear, not mine. I refuse to be humiliated by it. But messing up sex? My cheeks are already burning. It's silly I know, isn't it?

2. Go out with that guy you just wrote about.

Put simply? No. Why would I do that? I already feel bad enough for not liking him, why would I get his hopes up by going out with him? It's cruel. I cannot help that I am not attracted to him. I may like him even more if I go on a date, but that would only makes things twice as hard when there's still no spark. I don't believe that sparks can grow.

3 . Have you tried internet dating? If so why did you stop? If not, what are you waiting for?


I signed up for a free one once, but I don't think it really counts as trying. I need to meet people in person, I have a hard enough time trusting as it is. Via the internet I trust no one. Possibly not even myself. It will never work for me because I don't trust it.


4. When walking down the street, what percentage of men fitting your general demographic (race, age, etc) do you find yourself attracted to? Trying to get a sense of how picky you are about looks. Furthermore, do you really think looks are everything?

My demographic? Like .05%. I am of mixed ethnicity and though I'm in NYC, it's not a melting pot so much as a quilt as they say. And I'm not particularly looking for a half-American half-Asian man...though I wonder if that would be a common bond to start building on. I did meet a half-Australian half-Asian boy and I asked for his number mind you, but it was because I thought he was cute and was attracted to him, not because of his ethnicity (though in retrospect it was nice to have something in common at first glance). Most of the time though I'm not even looking. I'm either on the way to or from work, not man-seeing. This is something I'm trying to break myself of so I can tell for myself if my chemistry really is messed up.

As for looks- they are relative like everything else you find attractive about another person. They are important as far as they spark some attraction in me. I went on a few dates with a guy I thought was absolutely gorgeous, but there was absolutely no mental attraction. On the other hand, I have one guy friend I am mentally in step with in almost every way, but I'm not physically attracted to him. And I actually think he's cute. So no, looks aren't everything. But in most cases unfortunately it's the first thing that will get my attention. My standards don't include things like must be tall and have brown hair, but I will admit those things will probably make me look.


5. Why havent you sought therapy for your issues? Ive had many dating related issues and this has helped me get through them. You state at the beginning of this blog post that you have issues with men, sex and relationships so why not work on them.

I went to a psychologist once for a couple months, after I finally got away from Jean and was struggling with yet another different kind of overwhelming friendship. Because they were both with women, I never got to the men part. At the time I was greatly embarrassed by it because I felt that my dumb men issues didn't merit needing a therapist. I'm still of that mind set because I'm stubborn and still believe that one day I will meet a man who I am attracted to and who is attracted to me and all of this will be moot. I think at times I blow this whole thing out of proportion, and I don't really have a problem with men, I have a problem with the expectation to have one, the game of finding one and my deep aversion to wasting my time when it could be better spent doing something that makes me happy. Perhaps my issues simply all stem just from never having had sex or a relationship, but I'm not going to just go out and do either of them just to 'get over it'. I realize neither of them are that big a deal, but why force myself to do things that don't feel right? I have more respect for myself than that.


6. How many men have asked you out on dates that you have denied? I dont mean random idiots on the street but say people that you knew in one capacity or another.

[I must preface with I don't get asked out a lot, but it's because I apparently don't make myself approachable. Guys are intimidated by me but I'm not totally convinced my body language is the reason why. No offense guys, but most of you are not that observant. My best friend told me years after we graduated from high school that she knew a handful of guys that liked me but never said anything. Why? I don't know. I couldn't have had the same body language that I do now. I was not so jaded then...]

Two. The first was in college. He lived down the hall and was very sweet. He surprised me one day by putting glow in the dark stars on my ceiling after I had seen them in someone else's room and said I liked them. At that point I was too scared of everything to actually date someone, especially someone on the floor where it could become very awkward. We ended up becoming good friends though and stayed that way until I stopped speaking to Jean.
The other was a few years ago. A man I worked with was let go and a few months later he sent me flowers. I always knew he kind of liked me, but he was twice my age and we had very little in common besides working for the same company. He understood and told me he had to give it a shot. 


You forgot a few...
6a. How many have I said yes to?

To official date requests, that is to say he said the words "do you want to go out?" Four. I've been on a few other unofficial dates where it was just me and a guy but no one ever said the word 'date'.

6b. How many men have I asked out?

Two. The first was Dennis, that story is here. The second was Red, and that ended in disaster as we all know.

So I've actually come to a conclusion having gone back over the few number of men I've interacted with in a boy meets girl kind of way. It seems when I finally find a guy I am attracted to, in most cases I don't sit back and stare. I asked out two guys. Not many women can say that. I asked two other guys for their numbers. Well technically I gave Vincenzio my number, but it was before he asked for it so that counts. I got his in exchange. And the half-australian half-asian guy.

So I'm not afraid of dating it seems, because I want to do it when I find guys I'm interested in, I just don't want to date guys I'm not interested in. The problem is I have very limited exposure to new guys to be attracted to and want to date. And there it is. No wait, here it is. The problem is I have limited exposure to new guys to be attracted to because I don't enjoy being social and meeting random people at parties at bars, feel bad if/when I do meet a guy who is decent and clearly likes me but am not attracted to, still have some issues with the time commitment and overall don't have the energy or desire to get over myself and go be social at parties and bars, stop worrying about nice guys' feelings and being selfish with my time. I want him to find me and make time expand. Is that so gaddam much to ask?


7. What kind of work do you do?

Let's just say I consider myself extremely lucky to enjoy what I do. After 4 years of paying my dues, 3 of which I was a miserable mess, my professional life is at an all time high. I get to be creative and use the one talent I actually believe in to make a living. This is sometimes why I believe my personal life is out of balance (at least in my head). Can't have both or it would be too much, you know?

Open Letter To You!

Dear Readers:

Do you ever get the feeling you are repeating yourself? I'm beginning to feel my blog is becoming just that. Different ways to state the obvious: I have issues with men, sex and relationships. In many ways I know why I do some of the things I do but feel powerless to change my behavior so therefore nothing changes. I have bouts of good and bad periods. The posts usually come when I've gone through or are going through a bad period. Case in point- I saw a guy today who I'm pretty sure likes me. I can pretend to be oblivious, but it was all in his body language. He is a friend of a friend and is extremely sweet. His demeanor is exactly what I'm always saying I want but doesn't exist in American men, totally proving that I'm an ass, and I should absolutely go for him.

But I'm not attracted to him.

And I hate myself for it.

This is why I don't date. I would drown in self-loathing before we ever made it to drinks.

But I won't bore you with more of that now. A new reader recently suggested I do a Q & A. I know I recently gave an interview but I figured I'd take my chances and see if there are any readers out there who do actually have questions they'd like to ask me. My sitemeter tells me I have readers from all over the world, but I don't know how many of you come back. I don't get a lot of comments or emails! Anyway, since I have nothing new to write, I thought you all could ask questions or even suggest things you'd like to hear me go on about. :)

I'm open to anything!

Comment or email me!

Love,
QV

It's The Modern World. Man.

Scene: QV is walking home from work. A man comes up beside her, she barely hears him through her earphones. He is wearing them too.

him: what are the chances of my buying a beautiful girl such as yourself a cup of coffee?
QV: (realizing a voice is talking to her, she turns to him and turns away quickly) um...sorry, i've got to get home
him: c'mon, one cup.
QV: uh, no thanks?
him: what, you don't trust strangers who come up to you on the street?
QV: no
him: well what about if we stay in touch, you could give me your phone number or email?
QV: i don't think so
him: we wouldn't be strangers anymore
QV: if i see you again in passing we wouldn't be strangers anymore either
him: what are the chances of running into each other again in city of 10 million people?
QV: you never know
him: what are the chances that we're meeting now?
QV: i'm sorry
him: you really don't trust me?
QV: it's the modern world, man. (as she crosses the street) but i appreciate it.

It's the modern world man? Who the f just said that?

What just happened?

He didn't strike me as particularly sketchy, but in looking back at the conversation it was totally sketchy. He may have been on the up and up, but how am I supposed to respond to that? I say that with the side note that he was not attractive to me, and maybe a little off putting in a stereotypical way. He had a shaved head, baggy sweatshirt and a serious tone that altogether made me almost step into the street before the light had changed. If he had been cute, closer to my age and less serious would I have accepted? Can I say I might have and not sound like either a liar or a potential victim?

Can I also say that I had this HUGE grin on my face the entire conversation? I hate that that is my knee jerk reaction to discomfort. It's absurd!

It is the modern world. It has messed with the simple act of meeting strangers.

PS. Isn't it kind of ironic that I don't even drink coffee?

The Logic Of Trouble

During the last semester of my senior year of college, my favorite professor asked me where I wanted to work. My dream company. Having only ever been asked what I wanted to do, I was thrown completely off. I had never thought about where I wanted to do it. After thinking about it for only a minute, I said CC. I was surprised at how quickly I came up with the answer because I had no clue what I wanted to do. Seems the where was a lot easier to imagine than the what. Anyway, internally I laughed because I thought it was such a ridiculous long shot and set my sights...well not lower, but let's just say elsewhere. Amazingly enough however, by the end of the year I was working at CC. And I was ecstatic.

There has been one other time in my professional life that I said what seemed an impossible goal out loud and then over time actually achieved it. In retrospect I realize it was a combination of luck, timing and hard work that got me to all the places I've been in my career, and in a way it actually makes me sad.

Statistically speaking my personal life is a losing gamble; it contains only one of those ingredients. I've only ever had one impossible goal I've said out loud, but I spend no time meeting guys and I just can't work that hard to find him. And in all honesty if good luck is something you make or somehow attract, I might be on the losing end of that one too.

I don't know why I see it and still can't change it.

I wonder if this internal war has been fought for so long and is at such an absurd height because the opposing forces are of equal strength. I love my life the way it is: living alone, supporting myself, doing everything I want to do whenever I want to do it and selfishly not having to make any compromises or sacrifices. But life is to be shared, no? Wouldn't my life be richer with someone to share it with? Or have I been lured in by the myth of love?

The last few books I've read have been historical in nature and though I enjoy reading accounts of actual events, in most cases it doesn't help my neurosis about men. Generally speaking, from ancient times to our "civilized" times men have treated other men they find inferior like dispensable factory parts. They are used and then discarded when no longer functional. Poor men, men without weapons and uneducated men suffer at the hands of the richer, the armed and the political elite. And who suffers at the hands of the men who have been humiliated?

How this all pertains to me is a thinly stretched, righteous thread of the (incorrect) stereotypical definition of feminism: they are women, I'm a woman, we are connected and men at the most basic level are evil kind of thing- at the very least they only want one thing and will take it whenever, wherever they can. I know that. It's really just more fuel for my fear of men fire. But yet, you just can't ignore the way humanity's existence repeats itself...

This train of thought has so obviously exploded from something I found out about Red it's embarrassing (thus why i've tried to bury it). Apparently he got the number of another woman in the building from an invite she sent out for a party and one night he texted her asking if he could come by for a visit. They had never hung out before and she thought it was a little strange, but she had talked to him in passing and thought sure why not, he seems nice. He arrived with a bottle of wine and two glasses.

I laughed pretty hard when I found this out because honestly it's pretty hilarious. It is in no way comparable to the hardships the women of history have had to deal with, but in trying to connect the dots of my (somewhat ridiculous) logic sex is the common driving force behind men's behavior throughout time. In the meantime I've been flooded with doubt about my judgment. To this moment I still cannot outright admit he's a player and I was just part of the game. I've even made the concession that not all players are dogs. I just have to believe he's a decent guy at heart because if I don't it means I will never trust myself to make a good judgment. Which in turn means I will never trust any guy. Ever. Look how long it took me to find this guy! How are luck, timing and hard work supposed to follow that?

I am in trouble.

I am in deep, dark trouble.

Sigh.

Have you ever suddenly just been cold? From the inside out, no matter what the temperature outside? And you just know the only way to make it go away is to have someone's arms around you, warming you with their body heat and, if you would permit me my romantic heart, love?

I have.

Hey Guess What? Still a Virgin!

Disclaimer: this post is full of sarcasm and detail about my experience of being poked and prodded at the doctor's. If you are not interested in details, skip this one! (For women who haven't been to the GYN yet, this article is a pretty good description of what to expect.)

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Dare I say I have survived my third annual, fourth ever visit to the gynecologist? During which I again got to reveal my virginity?

I dare.

And aren't you just dying for a replay of it?

I knew it.

I arrive at the doctor's office. Fast forward to me sitting in that weird open-in-the-front gown with a white starched sheet across my lap. I wait. And wait. And wait.

I am SO going to be late to my 10:30. Did they forget about me? What's taking so long? Oh I think I hear her coming. Nope, just that elderly lady talking about having her breast implants removed again. Uh can you imagine being sixty with implants? Let's read the female genitalia chart on the wall for the fiftieth time. Why does the hymen exist? It's such a stupid piece of...what is it even? There is no point to it. It functions only as yet another burden on female sexuality. Something to break to let everyone know she either is or isn't a virgin. Stupid hymen. Where the hell is she? Can she just come in here, feel me up and then stick something up my hoohaa so I can get out of here? I am so going to be late to my 10:30.

My doctor finally arrives, apologizing for the wait, and says "let's review your last visit" a few times in different ways.
"You were 30 on your last visit, so we did the HPV test."
"Yes."
"Do you have the same partner?"
Um what? Did she just ask me if I'm a lesbian? Oh! Oh! No, that's just the politically correct way to ask if I've been sleeping with the same person as I was last year. Ogod. That's even worse. "Um...I don't have a partner."
"Oh ok."
Fast forward through other miscellaneous menstrual talk.
"So I'll do another HPV test and if it's negative we won't have to do one next year."
"Well, I don't know if it matters..." I totally know it matters. "...but I'm not sexually active so I don't know if it's necessary." It's so not necessary.
"Oh yes of course, it's written on the chart that you haven't been active, I'm sorry I should have seen that." Yeah. It kind of sucks to have to tell you repeatedly that I'm still a virgin. But whatever. "So we don't have to do that test if you don't want. I won't do the gonorrhea test either if you'd rather not. How does that sound?"
"Good. Thank you."
"Ok so I'll do the pap smear, a breast exam as well as a pelvic exam."
Fantastic. Let's do this.

She takes what feels like twenty minutes mooshing my boobs around and all I can say about that is I really hate having my boobs mooshed around. I'm very small and that much pressure is uncomfortable (not painful mind you), bordering on nauseating. I'm pretty sure most women are uncomfortable in that position, but the nausea is just a me thing. (It's psychosomatic.) It's like squeezing a water balloon in search of a marble you are sure someone put in it before they filled it, but just can't find.

Then we move down. Because I've been waiting so long and have kind of worked myself up, I must be tense. It hurts more this time than any of the previous times (but does not leave the residual discomfort I felt for a few hours after last my visit but that's probably because she didn't do the other tests) but I think I said that last time so maybe it's not really that bad. She apologizes because she can tell. All I can think is I've got to start having sex. Then she does the pelvic exam which clinically put means she feels the inside walls of my reproductive organs.

In closing she tells me to read the instructions that come with the pill pack and that she knows the exam was very uncomfortable but I made it through. I REALLY need to start having sex. Then it's all over and she's gone.

Then I'm running across a few avenues and cross streets and I'm 7 minutes late to my 10:30, during which I'm shoved between two guys, smelling like latex. Fantastic. I wonder if they're wondering what that smell is.

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On one of my last posts about my trip to the GYN, someone commented about how crazy Americans are about having all these tests at times when they are unnecessary, then getting false results and in turn having our lives turned upside down by it. While this may be true, I only know what I've been exposed to, which is the American health system and for that matter mind set (so you have to bare that in mind when reading my take on the subject). I just received a mailing from my health insurance saying women should start getting pap smears at 21, STD tests at 24 and HPV at 30, younger for each if sexually active. (I think they make a lot of assumptions about when sexual activity begins, but I may be biased.) And then I read information somewhere else online that said you don't need a pap smear until 3 years after becoming sexually active. It all comes down to how informed you are about all these different things that doctors do and don't do as well as your comfort level with applying them to your body.

In retrospect I think I made the right decision, that is to say waiting until my late twenties to start seeing a GYN because I wasn't sexually active. That might not be the right decision for you, but even if/when you do go to the doctor, you can decide what tests to take. Just remember to educate yourself and that you're in control!