Mantra

Live from love, let go of fear.

I am attempting to manifest a gentle, intelligent, patient man who is funny, charming, modest and kind through positive mental energy.

Wish me luck.

Welcome home

I guess it's a sign of growth that I am now frustrated with instead of comforted by finding myself behind the walls I tried so hard to break down when it came to my friends. Trying to remain open and connected to them, especially when I was feeling down, worked for a while but then I started to need them in small ways, and then bigger ways, and they failed to deliver. Basically what I was so afraid of happening happened. Before I broke down and went to therapy I stopped communicating with friends because a) I didn't want to be a burden and b) I didn't want them to disappoint me by not being there for me. Well, I reached out to the two friends I consider closest and they have both disappointed me. Repeatedly. I realize everyone has their own lives to lead and no one should drop everything when a friend in need reaches out, but I can't even get either one of them to put aside a couple hours to have lunch. This is making them sound like horrible people but it's not like that. Life happens I guess and sometimes people just don't realize what they're doing. 

M is the kind of friend who I rarely see even though we don't live that far apart but we've been through a lot emotionally so we are connected on that level. I'm beginning to feel though that although we will always be connected emotionally, presently that thread is not enough. When we do communicate, usually via text, she keeps saying she misses me and wants to catch up but then can't get together. Ever. She is the one who I credit with helping me blossom creatively and yet she never responded to the last song I sent her. She KNOWS how important music is to me as well as her opinion. She also really hurt me when she sent me a postcard announcing she'd gotten married. She and her wife went to town hall and did not invite anyone, but still. A postcard? And as is my style I said nothing because I didn't want to make her feel guilty. I know she had her reasons, one of which was she didn't want to make me feel bad about not being asked to be in her wedding or even at it, and all the details of her marriage are totally hers to tell or not, but I thought I was high enough on the food chain to at least get a phone call. She's busy I get that. But when I'm busy I still make time for the people I love, no matter how near or far they are emotionally or physically. Maybe it's just me.

K is my bff for 20 years now. She started working (part time) again and has 2 kids. She's busy, again I get that. But she's a control freak and can't let anyone else do anything so she feels overwhelmed and like she's perpetually behind on everything. I've tried to tell her she needs to make time for herself to see me (I'm one of very few people she can relax around) but again every date I give her to get together she "has to see" because she has a million other things going on. The problem is growing with her and I don't want to make her feel guilty for neglecting me (she has in the past apologized for this so she knows she does it) but at the same time, I never ask my friends for anything. Now I need a little of their time and I can't get it. It hurts. I credit her with saving my sanity and helping get to therapy but now she's one of the main sources of my sadness. I could never tell her that though because the guilt would consume her. I can't be responsible for that so I just have to suffer. 

The obvious larger problem is that my life has not changed over the years we've been friends. Theirs have all changed drastically. I include them in my family but I am not a part of theirs. I give them slack because of their various other life obligations but when did I fall off that list completely? No one wants to be thought of as an obligation but you know what? True friends are under the obligation to act like friends toward each other. 

I'm just suddenly very aware of my lack of human contact on a daily basis.

I am trying to find a community to join but it is not easy. I'm also looking for a mixed ethnicity community to join (I've recently gone though a bit of an identity shift concerning my mixed ethnic background) but they seem to be only online or in California. My hope holds out as usual for now. 

The Fumes of Fear

I guess I should just admit it to myself and not excuse it or try to sweep it under the rug with thoughts of change anymore.

I'm scared.

I'm still scared to death.

Of men.

Every day I am inundated with news and statistics of sexual assault on top of "entertainment" that reflects this brutality of women. Women are raped and beaten and murdered by men they know as well as ones they don't across the globe in real life in real time and then also for the sake of entertainment. I can't take it anymore. How am I supposed to overcome this fear if the reality of life never shows me anything good?

I've hidden myself so far away in order to avoid the male gaze attention I used to get. And yet here I am on this blog writing over and over how I want to meet someone to share my life. How do I reconcile wanting to be with someone with being afraid of everyone? Part of me thinks I've repressed my sexuality in terms of being attracted to guys because of this fear, part of me wants to explain it by defining it as asexuality. I'd like to have sex but I'm afraid of being assaulted.  I want very badly to be in a relationship but I'm afraid of being assaulted. I'm afraid because of all I've seen and read that men have no ability (nor desire) to stop themselves from taking what they want. I realize this is not true, plenty of men are amazing and take great care of the women they are with, but emotionally my brain refuses to believe I could find a genuinely good man who would take the time to make me feel secure. Not in a "I'm not good enough" way but in a "I haven't met one (prospective partner) man who makes me feel safe," way. I even hold the ones I do consider good and have gone on to be friends of mine at arm's length, I guess because I've never let any of them get close enough to show me men can be trustworthy.

Nearly 1 in 5 (18.5%) women reported experiencing rape at some point in their lives according to a CDC report in 2012. I am unbelievably grateful I have never been assaulted because I don't think I can handle it, but yet my life has been affected by it anyway. I stopped smiling, I stopped wearing dresses and skirts...I'm not as strong as I'd like to believe I am.

And yet…and yet I still travel solo around the world, with obvious exceptions of course. I can get on a plane to explore a new culture half way across the world but I can't go on a date. What is wrong with me?

It's a catch-22 I'm not sure I'll ever be able to overcome. How can I get what I want if I've repressed my own ability to get it and suspect everyone of being a borderline rapist on top of it?

I Guess It'll Have To Be The Old Fashioned Way...

…meeting someone face to face.

Because eHarmony was a HUGE mistake.

I am currently trying to close my account. They are refusing to comply claiming I haven't paid my last installment so they don't have to "honor" my request to cancel. It's inane. And a total rip off.

Mr. eHarmony himself is still living in the dark ages because aside from being a raging homophobe, there's this among yet still other things. Why oh why oh why did I ignore my misgivings and sign up?

Because although this confirms everything I've thought about online dating that little, tiny dot of inner optimism refuses to be crushed. It blinded me from doing more research on the company because I unconsciously knew how disgusting it was and didn't want the full picture. Shame on me. :(

Maybe This Time

Thinking about maybe giving eharmony a try. Despite the many times I've said online dating won't work for me that tiny unsinkable optimist in me is scratching at the inside of my brain. Also despite knowing eharmony is homophobic and probably a number of other despicable things, I can't help but feel like the real life route I'm wishing for just isn't happening. I don't have the highest hopes, but weirdly I have hopes. I don't know. I haven't gotten beyond the start page yet so we'll see. Also, maybe they will reject me anyway. Then I can stop thinking about it being a possibility at least.

Logical Results

Good news! I'm chlamydia free!

O wait. Don't you have to be sexually active to get it?

Knowing full well that the second my Dr. leaves me standing naked in the exam room I am gone from her consciousness until next year when we meet again for another awkward exchange where she reads my chart and remembers, oh yeah NSA, I can't help but wonder why she (only) occasionally has me tested.

Is she secretly hoping I'm lying?

Turn Me On, I'm A Radio (That Gets Like One Station. Dare You To Find It.)

I watched a documentary called (A)Sexual the other night on Netflix. I'm not sure if it helped or just added a layer of "so what?" to my issue with sexuality, but I guess I'm glad I watched it. At the very least it has legitimized my thought/fear posted about a few times in this blog that my feelings of sexual attraction are much less than "normal". I took a few "are you an asexual?" quizzes online, because we all know that's a healthy thing to do, and they all resulted in a yes.

The thing is though I don't think I'm asexual. I mean, I guess I'm on the spectrum the same way people are now on the autism spectrum (consequently some argue asexuality can be linked to a type of autism- the not wanting to be touched and so forth) but the more I read about it the less clear my position becomes. You would think it would be the opposite. Though most of the people behind the asexual "movement" so to speak admit it is the farthest thing from black and white the questions they pose regarding the actual act of sex with another person I obviously can't answer or even pretend to. They say in response to people who don't believe asexuality exists that you can know you don't like/want sex if you've never had it. It's not a repression or fear. Like sexual attraction exists, no sexual attraction exists. I'm not sure why that is unbelievable to some people.

In some of the articles I read the question is asked, do you see people you'd like to have sex with just by looking at them? My answer is no, but is it because I genuinely don't think about sex when I think about being with a guy or is it because I've never had sex? I have a hard time imaging having sex. That whole 'people think about sex x number of times a day' is crazy to me. I only think about it when watching tv or a movie and the requisite sex scene arrives. I always root for it, like watching and am even turned on, but I'm not at my desk during the day thinking, "man I need to have sex. Look at that guy I bet he's amazing in bed." An asexual would be unhappy with my questioning my answer because maybe I do know that I don't like it and just can't admit it to myself. I just feel like I have to try it before I can make that determination. Everyone is different. Some days I really, really want to have sex, some days I think ew, do I really have to do that? It's so messy. I'll have to do laundry every time. 

At any rate, realizing this about myself changes nothing...though it should help me be more accepting of myself. The problem is as I said before, I don't think I can define myself as asexual. Not that it would be any easier to deal with if I could but like everything else in my life I feel a huge contradiction. I think I have experienced sexual attraction but I never acted on it so it was never fulfilled. This is graphic so be warned: during my first kiss (at 23 mind you) he was pressed up against my leg and I could feel him harden. I liked it. Did I imagine anything beyond that kiss? No. Did I reach down and touch it? No. It was actually only in retrospect that I realized I liked it. I'm not sure I was totally conscious of it when it happened. I've never actually told anyone about that. But I think this is why I'm not asexual; I enjoyed something (remotely as it were) sexual with another person. If we had been alone I think I would have gone further and probably enjoyed it despite being nervous. Everything I've read said asexuals can want and enjoy romance and intimacy with someone else but they do not enjoy anything sexual. That does not include masturbation or even being aroused by images or fantasy while alone...that's why it's so hard to determine for myself I think. It would be easier if asexuality could be defined as not enjoying being sexually pleasured in any way.

In thinking about Fusion, I wasn't really sexually attracted to him. I thought he was cute and interesting and tried to imagine having sex with him (which I think I even said in my post about him) but if I'm honest he didn't arouse me in any way. Here is where I get mad at myself. If I don't have a normal sexual attraction rate, why am I shutting down a guy who I like and think is cute just because I'm not sexually attracted to him? (Though he was also not sexually attracted to me so that's probably a factor I should take into account.) And therein lies my problem. I want to be sexually attracted. I want to be turned on both physically and mentally. For most people maybe this isn't asking too much. For me though maybe it is because my own damn body is working against me.

I am conflicted but it doesn't even matter. I just have to wait for the right person to enter my life and turn me on. Leaving this to chance is driving the control-freak in me insane. Frustration is my middle name.

The Timeline

I think I've finally discovered why life is so emotionally exhausting for me. That optimism I've been convincing myself is just a tiny part of my outlook, consistently overshadowed by my cynicism but yet present enough to keep me going, is actually a big part of my outlook. I've realized with every new thing I try I am hopeful. Incredibly, almost childlike-ly hopeful despite my attempt to deny, hide or repress it. Then, time after time, I am disappointed. Incredibly, aged-ly disappointed. And it wipes me out.

I moved to my new town outside of the city. Every factor surrounding the move was stressful and overwhelming but wonderful now that I've settled in. I really like it here. (Hope). I ventured out to an open mic. (Disappointed). I started my second semester of grad school. (Hope). Though academically both classes are going to be great, meeting people-wise...(Disappointed). I finished my freelance job in the city so now I'm working from home again which is both awesome and isolating. School is great for breaking the isolation...and yet I still manage to feel alone in any crowd. I know a huge part of that is in my head, but it's not like I'm the center of attention either.

And I hate that I'm complaining. But here is the only place I will let myself do it out loud so to speak. I don't want to spout this stuff to my friends and my best friend is going through her own depression now so I don't want to repeat my nonsense to her. I want to try to be a positive part of her life.

But I'm just so tired. Life tired. Post after post I say I'm tired and hope something will go my way personally speaking, how much longer can it go this way? I can't understand how my life has maintained this imbalance.

I finished the book- I liked it but it never delved into her deeper emotional state. And for some reason it makes me sad that I could have written the same book with my experiences (and wanted to) but always felt no one would have wanted to read it let alone publish it. Sort of like another little failure due to my amazing ability to inhibit myself. But I digress- Here is an interview with her where she does talk a little bit about how she feels. Her views on dating are exactly like mine, and yet I know she'll meet someone in the next couple years. She won't make it to 36 alone.
 Most days I don't think about it too much...well, the days I'm busy anyway. It's all about time. When I have the free time the brain always goes back to my age and my being alone. Good thing school started again, I won't have time.
...
And despite being exhausted and disappointed I guess I have to admit hope is a good thing. If I lost it I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be long for this world.

(Not) Hopeless in NYC

"She was 34 years old, we had all given up on her. Like there was no hope, you know," this next part was carefully whispered so no one could hear,"'cuz she was a virgin."

This, said to me by my co-worker friend who is just as single without prospects as I am as we had once again got on the subject of being single, made me want to simultaneously disappear and nonchalantly sit back in my chair and say, "what makes you think I'm not?" Instead I went very still, as I always do when someone says the word virgin like it's a bad thing, and nodded dumbly doing all virgins everywhere a disservice.

I wanted to say, you know you've had sex and now you're older than 34 and still single. That woman is now married with a kid. Why is there hope for you and not her? And seriously, why do you think I'm not? Every story I've ever told you has been chaste and even after all the stories you've told me about your sex life I've never once reciprocated. Two and two? No? Too weird to think a normal woman you call your friend could possibly be a virgin?

Ok then.

I'm glad I didn't tell her as I wanted to a few months ago. That's not to say she would treat me differently, I actually think she's a really great friend and this newsflash wouldn't change what she thinks of me (at least on a personal front. She may think I'm repressed or something because most people who have had sex can't understand that not having sex doesn't automatically mean you're repressed), but this just shows what she's really thinking. I'm not mad at her or anything I'm just tired of being made to feel hopeless or weird about it because left to my own devices it would never be a factor. Who cares how much or how little sex someone has unless you are that person? Sex is not a biological need as some believe. We do not die from not having sex. We may die out, but we don't die from its absence like we do food and water. Of course we can suffer detrimental psychological effects but so can an internet addict who is forced to go without internet access. It's all about connection yes but people use many ways to connect, sex is not the definitive form. Obviously there are people in everyone's life who they connect with and at the very same time don't have sex with. Why is that so hard for people to remember?

On the other hand it's nice to know a 34 year old virgin met and got married in this godforsaken city after years of looking and being labeled hopeless by her friends. 

I Could Write The Book On That...

So I was reading articles on the internet today, as I tend to do at work, and I came across a plug for this book:

I was interested of course and immediately bought the book for a number of reasons. 1 because yay a memoir not filled with glamorous life adventures of travel and sex, or cutthroat careers and sex, or weird upbringings and sex- no, this was clearly someone I could identify with rather than just admire for having/surviving a life that would make an awesome movie. 2 because I wanted to see how she represented herself and how she managed to become an adult without having a romantic, let alone sexual relationship. I'm only a few pages in but what I've gleaned so far is she's got a good sense of humor which lends a hand to her not wallowing in self-pity and that she's only 25. What I'm interested in though is the part where she does get serious, because you know a book like this will have to at some point.

25. 

I know some of my readers are that age or even younger and struggle with being a virgin and single their whole lives due to the ridiculous expectation to be sexually active by 18...but to me at this point it seems so young. 

They way she begins the book is cute and much the same way I could start my own- being in love with a boy at 7. I'm only up to her being 12 but the major difference I can see so far is that she was absolutely boy crazy. I never was. I liked boys don't get me wrong, but I didn't hang pictures up anywhere of teen celebs or obsess over what it would be like to be married to them or any boy for that matter. Weirdly I had "boyfriends" all through grammar school but once puberty hit and hand holding wasn't enough I freaked out and shut down.

Then I thought, well if she could write a book about still being single at 25, I could write one about still being single at 36. Then I thought, so could everyone on my blog roll. We should all write a book. Maybe a collection of short memoir stories about our own experiences. I would read that. 

Of course I may be biased.

But it's an idea.

I have to go read more to see how this book plays out. I'm crossing my fingers it keeps us all in a good light.