Humor Me, I'll Humor You

In order to prove that I do indeed have a sense of humor, I will relate the details of the handful of ‘dates’ I have actually been on. The official ones anyway. There may have been a handful of non-official ones where I found myself alone with a male I liked, and who may or may not have liked me, but nothing was ever said to confirm a ‘date’ status, nor did anything happen to render it a ‘date’. It also does not include the handful of school dances I somehow found myself attending.

Anthony

Date #1- I was sixteen. It was in another country and was chaperoned, as was the custom there. There are a number of reasons why I might have said yes. Anthony was my cousin’s friend, it was chaperoned by my cousin, my parents were twelve time zones away, and it would have been nothing less than rude if I had declined. Plus he was cute and soft-spoken.

He took me to a nice restaurant for dinner, a different one for dessert and then to a bar after we made a quick stop at his house, perhaps to show me he was from a good family or at least a wealthy one. The fact that I was from America surely played into his need to impress me in that manner. Little did he know that if he had brought me to a mud hut I still would have been impressed. I was in a foreign country, everything was amazing to me.

He was an absolute gentleman and I did enjoy myself despite feeling awkward most of the time. I flew home a week later and never saw or heard from him again.

Bryce

Three years later I went on date #2. I met Bryce in one of my freshman classes in college. He was shy, soft-spoken of course, and tall. I liked him immediately. First semester of sophomore year we ran into one another at the mall of all places. We exchanged quick hellos and smiles and went on with our respective friends. Something in that exchange gave him the courage to ask me out. Over email that is, and I accepted.

He brought me to a diner on campus which was fine with me. I’ve never held the expectation that a guy has to bring me to a fancy, expensive restaurant. I think that has more to do with thinking they will expect things from me after the fancy, expensive food is paid for, but I digress. Throughout the meal he kept mentioning money. The subject in general is not one I love to talk about now, but then it just made me uncomfortable. At first it made me respect him deeply, knowing that he was basically putting himself through school by working two jobs, but he didn’t leave it at that. Everything somehow came back to how much money he and his mom didn’t have, so when he began to tell me about his childhood and how a bully actually pissed on him, the panic alarms went off and I began to look for the closest exit.

I kept waiting for him to ask a question or two about me and my life/classes/interests/maybe even money situation? but none were ever presented. Wasn’t he supposed to want to get to know me? I felt so bad for him on so many levels, but there was no way I take on the load he was obviously carrying around with him.

When the check came (total amount about twelve dollars) I offered to pay my half. I wasn’t sure how payment of the check was going to go before we even sat down (this was only the second date I’d ever been on, I wasn’t sure if I was supposed to pay half or not). I had decided early on that I was going to at least offer, and after all I had heard I even thought he might be relieved.

I was wrong. He looked at me like I had insulted his mother.

We got to the bus stop where he waited and he asked if I’d like to come over to watch a movie, one of the few things we talked about other than money and being pissed on that we both had in common, and I offered a rain check. I gave him a hug and a peck on the cheek and said my goodbye.

He either got the message or his insecurity prevented him from ever following up because I never heard from him again.

Ron

Another few years passed and a friend of a friend who I had met a semester earlier asked me out. Through my friend that is. She emailed me and told me he was interested and wanted to take me out. Ron was a mellow, extremely intelligent guy who I liked, but was in no way attracted to. At times his intelligence intimidated me, not because he was egotistical with it, but because he was the exact opposite, understated and well spoken. I get tongue tied at the drop of a hat and felt that if I ever got into a real conversation with him about anything I’d look like an asshole.

I tried to give my friend many large hints about not really wanting to go out with him, none of which she heeded. I’m not really sure why other than she didn’t want to look like the bad guy in telling him I wasn’t interested.

So one day he called. After a few moments of small talk he asked if I’d like to have dinner and then see a play on campus. I accepted because I’m a big coward and didn’t want to hurt his feelings.

I somehow got out of the dinner part by making up a lie that may have been believable had I delivered it without stuttering or acting so odd on the phone. (I reiterate from an earlier post, I am the worst liar.) He picked me up, we went to the show, I barely looked him in the eye, he drove me back to my apartment and I literally jumped out of the car and ran to the front door yelling,“Call me!”

Needless to say I didn’t answer the phone for a week. I’m embarrassed for myself. Trust me.

Vincenzio

Another year or so passed, no surprise, before I was asked out again. This time though, the circumstances were a little different. I met him at a party if you will, and thought that he was the hottest guy there. It had been a long time since I felt that way about anyone and it gave me a courage I didn’t know I possessed. I ended up giving him my number at the end of the night, and I actually picked up when he called a few days later. There’s a first for everything, no?

Vincenzio was another mellow kind of guy (sensing a pattern here?) who brought me to an Italian restaurant, presumably one his family frequented as they all knew him and he them when we entered. What I remember about this dinner conversation is that it consisted once again of money. What is it with guys and money? I realize there are plenty of societal expectations of men to make/have a lot of money but come on! He actually wasn’t overbearing about it, but he seemed to want to make sure that I knew he had not gone to college but that he worked in construction and made a lot of money.

I will not lie. The more I learned about him, the more I jokingly suspected him of being in the Mafia. Maybe that's being the racist stereotypical joke teller I eventually condemned him for, but there it is. I do not claim to be perfect.

He asked me out for a second date and I accepted because overall I still had a decent time. Date #2 was a movie, the before and after of which I learned more about his not going to college and opting to go into construction because once he put in his time he was going to become an independent contractor. One that makes a lot of money by the way. That’s great and all, and I was truly happy for him and his ambition as it was more than mine at the time, but I kind of wanted to talk about something else. Anything else. Then when we lapsed into a little bit of an awkward silence when I didn’t know what else to say, he told a couple jokes. The only thing I remember about them was that they were racist in that ‘yeah it’s racist but in that stereotypical true fashion which makes it ok to joke about’ way. I wasn’t horrifyingly offended, but it didn’t place him in a particularly good light.

Vincenzio is the guy that Jean gave me such a hard time about when I told her he made me uncomfortable. What with her on my back, it’s no surprise then when after our third date, I called it quits. I can only imagine his confusion when I called him up one day and told him that I couldn’t see him anymore because I was in a bad place. However, aside from sounding so utterly cliché and non-original it was absolutely true. He was a nice guy, but not one I wanted to spill my heart out to about the fact that everything in my life seemed to be falling apart.

He called me what must have been a year later and caught me completely off guard. I had friends over and told him I couldn’t really talk. He asked if he could call again and I said sure, but rushed him off the phone. He never called again. I don’t know why he called but I found out a little while later that he had gotten married. Maybe he was calling to tell me?

Dennis

Dennis was yet another soft-spoken, mellow guy in the short line of guys who have ever approached me, or according to some, who I have ever allowed to approach me. We worked for the same company for a couple months before our work paths actually crossed. I noticed him one day in the elevator (which is in itself something as I generally don’t see anything or anyone on my way into work) and thought he was adorable! Bushy brown eyebrows and a narrow sloped nose. He’s someone I could go out with I thought. Weird.

Anyway, our paths crossed over email and after the initial work issue, we somehow started a personal conversation. It seemed we had a few things in common, one of which was travel, and I started liking him more. After a weeks worth of getting to know one another emails I had had enough. In the middle of one of my many gushing emails I wrote ”We'll have to trade stories over drinks sometime.” To that he responded ”We definitely should get together for drinks one night after work or something and exchange stories! That would be really fun! Just let me know when is good for you, and I am game!”

This is hilarious because a) I totally asked him out and b) I can’t really drink. Alcohol causes a reaction in my body that makes it hard to breathe. Thus another reason I think I am the way I am. I have no vice to blow my inhibitions away!!

Anyway, I went out with him three times, all of which were nice with elements of fun. The last time was one of the most romantic moments of my life, and I passed on it. Unbelievable! We were on the west side near the boat basin, walking along the water and chatting. I noticed his hand swinging close to mine and like the phobic I am stuck mine in my pocket to avoid the awkwardness should he want to grab it. By that point I was already drifting away, not having the spark with him I so hoped would emerge.

We stopped by a tiny pier that jutted out into the river. The air was warm and the sky was a gorgeous array of pinks and violets. It was total movie scene, one I’ve always wanted to experience and I should have wanted to kiss him. Hell, I should have done it anyway. But I didn’t want to and I kind of hated myself for it. I didn’t want to lead him on only to give him a pink slip an hour later. In my own defense he should have leaned in…if only so that we could both experience a lovely moment (despite my not wanting to kiss him. If he had kissed me I wouldn’t have objected). But he didn’t.

Maybe I didn’t give him enough credit and he actually read some of my signals.

Of course, the fact that he tried to kiss me before I got on the subway home shot that theory to hell. The fact that he came at me open mouthed while mine was closed was not a pleasant encounter, for either of us I imagine.

And so that wraps up the official ‘dates’ I’ve ever experienced. Reads like a poorly written high school novel…only by today standards there’d be a whole lot of sex and drugs mixed into the story. But such is the life of a G-rated girl huh? (Which by the way, is not necessarily indicative of her mind.)