Warning: there is nothing less attractive than a young woman wallowing in self-pity. If you must avert your eyes, do so now. I promise no beauty in the following post.
Apparently I want to be with someone more than I am willing to admit. Yes, yes, I’ve been droning on about wanting to be in love and to be with a man (remember I started this thing for the purpose of working, or writing rather, this particular situation out) but for the most part I like my life. I don’t mind being single. Or do I?
It seems that when I have a little time to myself, I start to think about how nice it would be to share that quiet moment with someone and I realize isolating myself with a fear I can’t seem to overcome isn’t the best way to go.
Or perhaps it’s when I get a ‘save the date’ magnet from a family friend 4 years younger than me. I used to make him play house in the cardboard box his mother’s freezer came in. He always obliged too. I was more interested in the construction of the house than actually playing house, a little girl game I’m not sure I ever really knew how to play, which may be why he was always willing. Cutting out windows and drawing tables and chairs on the inner walls was way more fun than pretending to cook or wait for the dog to bring the newspaper.
I knew it was coming because my mother called a month ago to let me know they set the date. My first reaction was to say I couldn’t go. Since I left for college eleven years ago I’ve only seen him a handful of times and I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t be crushed if I didn’t show. Though my absence would be noticed among all our family friends, it would be harder to appear than not and have to come up with an excuse. (I am a terrible, terrible liar. Even thinking about lying makes me feel guilty.) It is purely selfish as I should be able to not think about myself for 5 minutes and be happy for him, but it’s difficult to swallow. Not that he’s getting married, that part is great and I am happy for him, but I know that all our other family friends, years younger than me, will be there with their other halves or will be talking about their own relationships and the time left before they hit the aisle.
It’s pretty much a show stopper when my answer to, “so what about you? Seeing anyone?” is “no. Still single.” No one seems to have any conversation skills beyond that, at least at weddings when everyone is thinking about all the young ones who should be on the road to marriage.
I know I should be bigger than that and just go for the sake of a) seeing everyone because I would love to see all of them and b) it’s a happy occasion and so not about me. But when I opened that envelope my shoulders fell slightly. I mean, it definitely helps that my job isn’t going well at the moment and it’s really starting to affect my mood. The whole ‘not being with someone’ is just another depressing note my head is singing on top of the ‘my job is going nowhere’ note. They harmonize quite well I might add, rocking me slowly into a depression.
For the love of god this is so self-indulgent I can’t stand it!
I just need a break in this cycle. Anything. A new job, an interesting man, the courage to pick up and move across country, a vacation, or any of my hobbies producing results other than keeping me sane. Because at the moment, they’re failing.
The other day though, I did come across another blog authored by a female virgin in her mid 20s. She has a great sense of humor about it, which most of the time I do too (I promise this blog is only written in when I feel angsty and self-analytical/indulgent as proven by this entire post) and it made me feel a little better. Not because she’s a virgin, but because I identified with some of her reasons. The whole putting up walls and liking guys until they show interest and then running. I know I’m not the only one who does that (nor the only virgin in her 20s), but it was nice to have confirmation of sorts, anonymous as it might be. Though she is very open about it and I think is using her real name. So anonymous for me anyway. The main difference is she dates. I need to learn from her.
I will probably go to the wedding even though I really don't want to go. Who knows? Maybe by then I'll have someone to talk about. How's that for proof of the cynical optomist inside me?
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