Walking Contradiction

It’s kind of ironic that when the subject of sex comes up and I can’t find a way to subtly wriggle out of it, no one believes me when I admit I am inexperienced. That’s the extent of my admittance though, never do I say virgin cause man is that embarrassing. And I don’t usually embarrass easily.

The positive side that comes from never talking about my love life is that it gives me an element of mystery, based on the fact that most people assume I have sex. Only a few close female friends know the truth and they don’t care. Well, my best friend likes to tell me once in a while that if I don’t get over myself I’m going to die a virgin. I know she’s right, but it’s still not a great motivator. Basically, I am waiting for one of two things to happen. One, my fear of being alone and never experiencing love will overcome my fear of sex/men and it will push me to change. Two, I will meet a man who will make me forget my fears or at least make them not matter.

So here’s the thing. One, I only know what it’s like to be alone and I suppose since I don’t have anything to compare it to, it’s not that bad. I mean, I do want to be with someone but being alone isn’t life threatening. My best friend in college was the kind of girl who absolutely fell apart if she didn’t have a man in her life. (Needless to say she is no longer a friend of mine. Not because of the 'man thing' so much as the 'she tried to run my life and got angry when I stopped letting her' thing. But I digress, it's a story for another day.) I suppose my extreme independence is yet another factor in my dilemma. Two, I have faith that it could happen, but I don’t date so I’ve got no cause to believe it will happen to me.

Have I mentioned yet that I am a walking contradiction?

I want to fall in love, but I sabotage any ways to let it happen. I know I need to open up and date people, but I talk myself out of bothering because I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings by being judgmental, i.e. knowing within the first 5 minutes if I want to spend the rest of the evening getting to know them. Horrible right? I know. Way to even give the guy a chance. It makes me feel bad so I avoid the whole situation altogether. But aside from that, I am extremely awkward and uncomfortable when alone with a guy, even if not on a date. All the time I’m thinking, what if he likes me and I don’t like him? He’s only going to want to have sex with me anyway. Weird I know! Considering I’ve never been abused, I’ve never had a bad sexual experience, I’ve never even had a man treat me badly! (Aside from the assholes on the street who grab at me and make lewd noises.) WTF is my problem?

Some days I like to blame mom. I love her with all my heart and she made me the independent woman I am today, but I can’t help but think all her man trashing somehow had a negative effect on me. What makes the situation ever stranger is my father is an amazing man and they are still married today, going on 40 years. I suppose I am looking for a man like my father. Patient, gentle, kind…and foreign. Now here comes my sweeping generalization. I agree with mom that American guys do only want one thing. At least pretty soon after dating a girl for a bit, if not immediately. Maybe it’s only because she drilled it into my head growing up, but what can I say? At this point it’s a deep seeded suspicion that I know only one man needs to disprove to me to make it go away. Well, at least subside.

Anyway, I’m sure both my parents were virgins when they got married, so sex was never an issue in the same way it is for me. How my mom got on the ‘men only want one thing’ mantra is beyond me. Though…she did have 13 marriage proposals by the time she was 20. However knowing how she is, her boyfriends probably lived by her rules- her way or the highway. She did and did not do whatever she wanted and if the guy ever crossed the line she kicked him to the curb. I’m so not like that.

But I’ll be damned if I’m going to wait ‘til my wedding night.