My mother once told me when I was a teenager that she’d know when I had sex. I wasn’t brave (or naïve) enough to ask how do you know I haven’t already? because I knew #1 it was obvious I hadn’t and #2 I really didn’t want to be having the conversation at all.
However, I was curious as to how she’d know so I could start thinking of ways to hide it if it ever happened.
“I’ll just know,” she said and looked at me in such a way that I knew she would know. No matter what I did or said to try to hide it, she’d know. And though I was aware that it wouldn’t be because I walked differently, I always believed my mother had a sixth sense. She was never wrong when she told a pregnant woman what sex the baby was and she always knew before the phone call came that there was a death in the family. I just figured my sex life was something else her otherworldly senses would pick up.
It never occurred to me that she knew and would continue know every detail of my life until the moment I moved out of her house and started my adult life. She was never intrusive or demanding, but she was protective. Overly so and I was not one to keep secrets from her. I didn’t have any to keep anyway. That would have been a first.
It also didn’t occur to me that if I did ever get a boyfriend and started sleeping with him, my behavior in general would change.
These thoughts were too rational for me to form because at the time my mother was a light I circled like a moth. Her word was not only law, it was wise and loving and right and all I aspired to follow.
She has partially admitted to helping form my fears of men but she still can’t figure out why. The only answer I come up with is she had a dutiful daughter who took everything she ever had to say to heart. Many daughters rebel against their mothers and the restrictions put on them in their youth, but not me. I shadowed my mother and her thought process well into my teenage years, when I should have been experimenting and pushing boundaries. Everyone’s boundaries, especially my own.
Needless to say it’s an action I still have trouble addressing.
If only I could remove the fear. The ridiculous, unfounded fear.
2 comments:
Yes, I think that over-protective parents cause their children to develop psychological problems.
Its amazing how your life parallels mine. My mum says the same thing to me. She will "know" when I'm no longer a virgin (and I have no doubt she will). I am 31 years old and still a virgin.
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