Men don’t approach me that often. The ones that do are either extremely drunk or way too aggressive. I suppose this only makes sense as I don’t go out to be social that often. I’m not a huge fan of the bar scene. I have plenty of outings with friends, but that doesn’t really lend a hand to meeting new people. Someone who doesn’t know me well would probably think I was lying. I am making this assumption not out of ego, but based on the fact that when I say something similar when the subject comes up and I can’t squirm out of it, the look of disbelief crosses their faces.
You’re kidding they say. You must have guys hanging all over you! I don’t believe it. I bet you have a string of broken hearts behind you.
How do you respond to that?
I’m not trying to say that I’m this drop dead gorgeous woman who no one but drunks and aggressive guys will approach. I guess I’m just trying to say it’s not insecurity about the way I look that keeps me a virgin. I’m just not sure which of my other insecurities I can attribute it to.
My close friends and of course my mother tell me it’s all in my body language. Apparently I wear a sign that says don’t bother in the way I hold myself. I am not always aware of this but it doesn’t surprise me. I guess it all goes back to the fear. That’s where everything about this seems to end up.
It’s taken me a while to get here, but I’d say I’m pretty comfortable with who I am and what goes on in my life. I am an independent, self-sufficient woman. I’m not swimming in money, but I’m not swimming in debt either. I need to be making more in order to save anything, but it’s fine. I’ll get there eventually. Of course there are things I would change and I’m still plagued with feelings of ‘what the hell is going on’ now and then, but for the most part I’m ok. Outside of the whole men and sex thing that is. And I think that’s a pretty big deal because I feel like I struggled with it for a long time. The whole, quarter life crisis deal if you will. Though realistically I guess I could say I’m not out of the woods yet.
I had crushes on many different boys in high school. It is the last time I can remember really being attracted to anyone. My mother always told me don’t bother getting serious because you’re going to go to college and forget about him anyway. And they only want one thing. Only one or two of them liked me back, and not at the same time I liked them. Most of my crushes were short lived when either a) they didn’t respond to my probably imperceivable signals or b) they started to respond and it scared me. I also wasn’t really allowed to date and never broke any house rules. I was and still am not one to make waves.
There was one boy I really liked. He was tall, smart and cute. I had a real crush on him but when my so-called friend told me she like him too, I totally backed off. She was aggressive and could be really mean and I didn’t want to deal with that. In retrospect I know she was jealous though I never gave her any cause to be. I was a loyal friend, I encouraged her talent and I never said a bad word when she treated me like shit. Later I found out he liked me too, but also backed off because of our friend. He knew she liked him and was aware enough (as a high school male) to know it would have caused a nightmare for all of us. My biggest regret from high school is denying myself that relationship. I always think things would be different for me now if I had just gone for it. After high school ended I stopped talking to my so-called friend anyway because I finally realized how abusive she was. He and I however, remained friends. But that is as far as it goes. There is of course, more to that story but it's for another time.
Am I being naïve in thinking that one day I will meet a man who I feel a spark with and who keeps me interested? Who will wipe away the self-doubt I have about getting involved with another person and all their issues when I have so many of my own? Or am I hiding behind high standards?
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