My life seems to happen in increments of four years, give or take. Grammar school- first through forth, middle school- fifth through eighth, high school, college, first career related job out of college lasted almost three years, second career related job rounded out three years last month and I am desperately seeking a new job.
As I get older I wonder if I inherently need a change after a certain amount of time passes. This does not bode well for a lasting relationship if it is something unchangeable in me. However, the friends I have now are ones I cherish and have had for longer than the four-year phase, so I must believe this theory does not apply to people.
In the midst of these four-year phases, there is another pattern I’ve come to recognize. I come to a point where I realize I’m not happy because something is missing, that something I know is love, but I completely justify it by saying things like I can’t start anything now because I’m not where I want to be in life.
In high school it was, I won’t stay with him anyway because I’m going to college.
In college it was, I'm too busy with work and who knows where I’ll end up when I get a job anyway. I’d probably have to break it off anyway.
After graduation, my roommate/best friend is controlling my life, I’m not sure about my job, I don’t know what I’m doing with my life, so I can’t be with anyone, I’m too messed up.
After I quit that job (and friend) and got a new one on the right career path, I just have to get to the next level and I’ll be happy. I’ll be able to save money, figure out where I want to plant myself and then I can start a relationship.
I never thought I was a particularly good liar, but I certainly am to myself. These are all clearly excuses, which I am totally aware of, so why can’t I push it aside? How is it possible that something as intangible as fear can be so physically debilitating?
On the other hand, after each four-ish year phase ends I seem to come out a little stronger, a little more sure of myself or at least, more comfortable with the fact that life happens whether or not you think you’re at the controls. Which may or may not be a good thing as it tends to enable my lack of ‘go-getting’ in certain aspects of my life. I keep waiting for things to happen to me, instead of making them happen.
Though is it not true that you can’t make love happen?
Is it foolish to still hope that at the end of this current four-year phase I may actually be able change?
2 comments:
Hi Queen V:
After reading your thoughts on your blog, I thought maybe you might take some comfort in my perspective.
The fact you are still a virgin is really inconsequential. The fact you have the fortitude to not give in to physical passion is truly amazing. I certainly don't have that will power.
Let me tell you where I have made real mistakes. I being a man slept with every girl who would sleep with me in my 20's, what guy does not. That however is no excuse. Thank god I am not walking around with a 9 lb. wart on my &*^%$ or have some hidious disease. But I do have a long list of heartaches, two children from different mothers who by the way are much better people than I. Not that I am this horrible person, but my kids do have higher standards than I did.
But my daughter does not speak to me, when she was young, I played around on her mother, partied and my friends were more important than her mom. Subsequently, she divorced my stupid self. Then after my daughter began to grow up, I stopped going to see her, made a real mess of things. My point is, my daughter suffered because I had no self control in my 20's. You do! It's not a bad thing your not a prude. You just want what you want. I would give anything in my life today, to have back what I wrecked so many years ago. Don't change your morals, don't compromise your position for anything or anyone.
The right guy for you will come in your life when you least expect it. Live your life each day as if it were your last. Then one day you will be in a situation that your heart will tell you, this is the guy and your life will change again forever. Don't cheat yourself out of that experience. Follow your heart...
thanks bob, for your encouragement and for sharing your story with me. i am sorry about your daughter, maybe one day she will be able to forgive. i don't know if it's self-control that keeps me how i am. if i wasn't so freaked out about getting a disease or getting pregnant, i would be having sex. maybe alot of it. it occurs to me that most guys don't worry about those things (though i'm sure a lot of women don't either) and so it's easier to have casual sex and enjoy the act for what it is, a pleasure high. In terms of my fear of relationships, casual sex seems ideal.
anyway, what does keep me going is the belief that i will meet a guy when i least expect it, and none of what i'm blogging about will matter.
here's hoping my heart will win out over my head.
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