I guess I should just admit it to myself and not excuse it or try to sweep it under the rug with thoughts of change anymore.
I'm scared.
I'm still scared to death.
Of men.
Every day I am inundated with news and statistics of sexual assault on top of "entertainment" that reflects this brutality of women. Women are raped and beaten and murdered by men they know as well as ones they don't across the globe in real life in real time and then also for the sake of entertainment. I can't take it anymore. How am I supposed to overcome this fear if the reality of life never shows me anything good?
I've hidden myself so far away in order to avoid the male gaze attention I used to get. And yet here I am on this blog writing over and over how I want to meet someone to share my life. How do I reconcile wanting to be with someone with being afraid of everyone? Part of me thinks I've repressed my sexuality in terms of being attracted to guys because of this fear, part of me wants to explain it by defining it as asexuality. I'd like to have sex but I'm afraid of being assaulted. I want very badly to be in a relationship but I'm afraid of being assaulted. I'm afraid because of all I've seen and read that men have no ability (nor desire) to stop themselves from taking what they want. I realize this is not true, plenty of men are amazing and take great care of the women they are with, but emotionally my brain refuses to believe I could find a genuinely good man who would take the time to make me feel secure. Not in a "I'm not good enough" way but in a "I haven't met one (prospective partner) man who makes me feel safe," way. I even hold the ones I do consider good and have gone on to be friends of mine at arm's length, I guess because I've never let any of them get close enough to show me men can be trustworthy.
Nearly 1 in 5 (18.5%) women reported experiencing rape at some point in their lives according to a CDC report in 2012. I am unbelievably grateful I have never been assaulted because I don't think I can handle it, but yet my life has been affected by it anyway. I stopped smiling, I stopped wearing dresses and skirts...I'm not as strong as I'd like to believe I am.
And yet…and yet I still travel solo around the world, with obvious exceptions of course. I can get on a plane to explore a new culture half way across the world but I can't go on a date. What is wrong with me?
It's a catch-22 I'm not sure I'll ever be able to overcome. How can I get what I want if I've repressed my own ability to get it and suspect everyone of being a borderline rapist on top of it?
I'm scared.
I'm still scared to death.
Of men.
Every day I am inundated with news and statistics of sexual assault on top of "entertainment" that reflects this brutality of women. Women are raped and beaten and murdered by men they know as well as ones they don't across the globe in real life in real time and then also for the sake of entertainment. I can't take it anymore. How am I supposed to overcome this fear if the reality of life never shows me anything good?
I've hidden myself so far away in order to avoid the male gaze attention I used to get. And yet here I am on this blog writing over and over how I want to meet someone to share my life. How do I reconcile wanting to be with someone with being afraid of everyone? Part of me thinks I've repressed my sexuality in terms of being attracted to guys because of this fear, part of me wants to explain it by defining it as asexuality. I'd like to have sex but I'm afraid of being assaulted. I want very badly to be in a relationship but I'm afraid of being assaulted. I'm afraid because of all I've seen and read that men have no ability (nor desire) to stop themselves from taking what they want. I realize this is not true, plenty of men are amazing and take great care of the women they are with, but emotionally my brain refuses to believe I could find a genuinely good man who would take the time to make me feel secure. Not in a "I'm not good enough" way but in a "I haven't met one (prospective partner) man who makes me feel safe," way. I even hold the ones I do consider good and have gone on to be friends of mine at arm's length, I guess because I've never let any of them get close enough to show me men can be trustworthy.
Nearly 1 in 5 (18.5%) women reported experiencing rape at some point in their lives according to a CDC report in 2012. I am unbelievably grateful I have never been assaulted because I don't think I can handle it, but yet my life has been affected by it anyway. I stopped smiling, I stopped wearing dresses and skirts...I'm not as strong as I'd like to believe I am.
And yet…and yet I still travel solo around the world, with obvious exceptions of course. I can get on a plane to explore a new culture half way across the world but I can't go on a date. What is wrong with me?
It's a catch-22 I'm not sure I'll ever be able to overcome. How can I get what I want if I've repressed my own ability to get it and suspect everyone of being a borderline rapist on top of it?
5 comments:
Heya, I followed you. S4S maybe? :)
I had a hard time trusting all my life. It took a lot of time, but finally I met a decent man and got married at 40. Sending you positive vibes
thanks nikki. :)
You're welcome.
You're welcome
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