My old mantra popped back into my consciousness as of late: Maybe I'm meant to be alone. Having quit my job and now am in waiting for freelance work I've had a lot of time with my solitude. A lot. I knew before I quit that this might happen, but I took my chances. I've been more or less keeping myself busy with all the things I've always wanted to get done, but no one can be busy 24/7. Thus I am pretty happy according to Voltaire (he's not wrong), except during the moments when I'm not.
I don't really believe anyone is meant to be alone, but it is definitely much harder for some of us than others to escape the solo situation. Once we leave the transient, yet structured institutions of education how do we meet new people? As much as I want it to, the online thing just isn't working. How can a relatively normal woman who leans a little to the introverted side find someone? I came across a website that does a sort of singles travel thing which I'm very interested in, but I have to get my finances in order before I can even think about that.
The bff and I were discussing how I could get "out there" again. I said, you know people have just shown me over and over how shit they can be. She said, yeah but you only need one to show you he's not. I said, so how do you find a needle in a haystack when you're allergic to hay?
3 comments:
I felt this way when I worked a fulltime three day a week job. I just switched to a m-f job for every work related reason, but another big reason was to have less alone time. Ironically, I'd like some of my free time back haha.
I feel like I will be one of those single people in their old age who can say they saw where the road was headed thirty years back but was helpless to do anything about it. It sounds like complacency, but its not because the internal struggle takes place everyday. I think it doesn't sound like much to people who don't deal with this issue, but for someone who does, it takes every ounce of mental strength each day just to live in your own body. Of course, I say this in the most emotionally stable way possible haha. I think thats what people don't understand, its that if you have all these feelings, you must be emotionally/mentally unstable, which I don't believe is true. Its just a reality you've learned to deal with, much like a physical condition.
I try not to let it get me down, but as someone who deals with this you can't help but think about things like how you will deal with the rest of your life. You start coming up for contingency plans for living alone, for when you get sick, when you get hurt, etc. The fact that its very much a part of your reality allows it to take ownership of head space and naturally becomes a variable in day to day thought processes where applicable. Its less sulking and more just a matter of practicality.
Its those times that I tell myself that Emerson was right when he said "The purpose of life is not to be happy. It is to be useful, to be honorable, to be compassionate, to have it make some difference that you have lived and lived well".
k
Pretty sure I've made haystack analogies before. I don't know- how do you get out there when there's nothing out there to get at?
The only reason I've experienced any action in the last month is because I'm in a different country from the one I live in. I'm not entirely optimistic that when I go back, things will be much better.
Maybe escaping your regular hangouts may help you out? I've already resolved to do the same when I get home. Go to the city more, volunteer etc. People say you should start new activities- like the singles tours- and I've always decided that it just wasn't for me... without even trying. So really now, I'm going to try.
they say i live a happy life around the people who love me the most. But I can feel the emptiness inside me, the sadness the feeling of being alone I felt like there is a missing piece in my life. Until now I can't Understand this emptiness. I'm finding it to the people around me. I'm not sure when will I be free, when will I get my soul back as if it was taken away from me before.
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