Last night was tough. There is a deep sense of loneliness I am still unwilling to totally admit I feel and I'm not sure why. Well that's not true. I guess it goes back to my independence issues and having to admit that I actually need another human being to be part of my life. As always on the surface everything is great. I am loving my new freelance lifestyle, I am especially loving not having to commute amongst thousands of inconsiderate people who make me angry, and I'm still being social...at least as social as I've ever been. I've even joined a few groups on meetup .com. I'm happy.
But then suddenly out of nowhere I cried last night. Couldn't sleep, couldn't shut off my brain. I haven't done that since therapy. Possibly hormones, possibly the frustration I still have with myself just surfacing again. I don't know. I just wish it would leave me alone. I haven't posted in awhile because it actually has been leaving me alone- I guess I should be grateful for that. So I guess what I mean is leave me alone forever. I just received an email from someone who called me 'clearly nuts'. If he only knew the stuff I don't post that goes on in my head. Maybe I am crazy. But crazy people find other people all the time. Where's my other crazy half?
My mother once said that she wanted me to find someone and get married because then she'd know I was happy and it would make her happy. Sometimes her view of the world can be simplistic. I know her heart is in the right place but it ended up feeling like pressure. Like her happiness depends on me getting married. It's irrational and by some people's account crazy I know, but I can't stop the knee jerk reaction. It's a product of the emotional environment I grew up in.
So the other day I said to her, "what if I don't ever find someone?" just to get a reaction and admittedly to hear someone say to me yet again, "don't be ridiculous you'll find someone. He's out there." Apparently I am in need of some positive reinforcement. Her reply was completely unexpected. "Well, sometimes people don't. Look at your aunt and your cousin." My aunt, rest her soul, never married and my cousin who is older than me is still single. I wonder, in retrospect, if this shows a little growth on her part but at the time it just made me want to run out into the middle of traffic.
Why couldn't she have f'ed me up in some other way? I would gladly take her fear of water, her struggling self-confidence or even her fear of travel over whatever the hell my problem with relationships is. It's so fundamental...so baseline...so essential to being human and I feel like I'm just totally missing that building block in my foundation. I've just been rolling around with a little piece missing but didn't know it until someone cut me and it started to bleed. Six years of blog posts later, Shel Silverstein would be disappointed in me.
3 comments:
I randomly came across your blog and let me just say that, your life is so similar to mine, it's klind of scary. I've read some posts from 2006 and obviously this one and I concur on every point so far. It's nice to finally see that someone else is experiencing the same thoughts and feelings when it seems that you are the only one in this social situation. I intend on reading all your posts. My thoughts are with you! Hang in there!
I know exactly what that "missing piece" thing it is you're feeling. You can suppress it for a while but then every so often BAM! it hits you like a brick to the head. Let me tell you what it takes to get over it. 1)Courage 2) A true belief in yourself and your worth as human being
If you have 1 and 2 you're gonna have to eventually face your anxieties, insecurities, ect as you get involved with other people that that's not going to be easy. BUT YOU HAVE TO BE A FIGHTER! You have to go through this gauntlet. And don't be discouraged if you don't find that special someone right away.
Don't just hang in there like the above person said. Do more. Can you honestly say that you've done everything you can to fill that hole that's in your soul?
Bah! Who was this brainless, troll, idiot emailer? I wish I could cyberbeat him up, for you... With a series of my angriest unhappy faces:
)=<
]:<
D8<
Anyway, just saying hi. And, I really wish I knew what to write to help you...
I like the prior comment about staying courageous. 'Cause hell, yes, it is a scary world out there, with scary possibilities.
Sometimes, I've felt like every error I've made in the world "out there" aka the Real World (not the TV show haha) leaves me with this small, invisible, yet permanent mark. I get so tired of the world saying no. And, I sometimes decide to say no first, before I get a response/another scar...
Anyway--- hearing those negative thoughts going, "blah blah blah" sometimes a person needs to yell back, "WHAT! WHATCHU TRYIN TO DO? YOU WANNA PIECE OF ME? I'M GOING TO GET YOU THE HELL OUT OF HERE."
Ahem.
Or at least...
"Don't you think that's a little harsh? Maybe, it could have gone a little better, but you did this right and THIS right. You have this going for you. So, come on now, is that reeeally true?"
Bottom line: If it's a dream I have ---even an inkling of a dream--- I need to try to reach it. Just on principle... And, if it's a vortex of baaad swampy darkness that I'm in, I just know... I can't stay there anymore.
Because you deserve better. It's a fact, but yeah... it takes time & courage to admit and believe it.
Yeah, I don't know if that helped haha, but basically just wanna give you an e-hug and say, I hope you're feeling better & I believe you can get out of this.
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