It would seem I was wrong. Utterly, completely, 100% wrong.
At least now I have a hilarious party story. Should I keep you in suspense or just spill it? I'll give you a hint: it rhymes with shmood shmee shmup.
Let's take a look at the replay shall we? I apologize in advance for the profanity. It happens when I'm angry. I'm referring to myself in the third person (this time) because I'm hoping it will allow me to grow some perspective of which I may still currently be short.
-QV meets Red.
-Red casually and generally invites QV over any time.
-QV and Red walk to work a few times.
-QV subtly asks Red out, turns into him coming over to QV's apartment to hang out.
-A few days later Red texts QV one night asking her to come hang in his apartment. She does. Before she leaves she asks when he's free for dinner. They set a date.
-On said day, she doesn't hear from him so she shoots him a text in the late afternoon saying, "are we still on?" He waits until 1 hour before they are to meet to tell her that he's stuck at work, can he take a rain check? She playfully says "keep me in suspense why don't you?" and that it's no problem, but they'll have to go next week because she's going out of town. He laughs, apologizes, says he'd rather be having dinner with her than working and that next week it is if she must go out of town.
-The night QV gets back from a 5 hour train ride after spending three full days with her friend and her friend's ten month old, she gets a text about an hour after being home that he stopped by but she must be sleeping. If she is actually up he'd love to hang out. She texts back that she didn't hear him knock! But that she is actually really beat after the train ride and baby time, but when can he do dinner? He texts that it's only 9:30 and she is lame but how about Wednesday? Before she can respond he knocks on her door. Despite being exhausted, dirty and looking every bit of both, she answers. He wanted to see how hard he had to knock for her to hear it. She says ok, but is still tired and hasn't even showered! He says he hasn't either. She says Wednesday is great, let's get together then. He says ok, he understands.
-Wednesday comes. He never shows up.
Aaaand scene.
WHAT? What just happened?? Did he really just STAND ME UP? WTF? Who stands someone up anymore? With all the many modern, impersonal ways to blow people off, at least have the courtesy to let me know you've changed your mind so I don't wait around for hours wondering if you're ok. If he decided he didn't want to actually start dating me, I would have been ok with him telling me that to my face. I would have even remained friends if he wanted to, hanging out every once in a while. The time we spent together should have told him that much. It was so casual! I know I didn't come on strong or desperate. It was days, sometimes almost a week between times we'd text or hang out (which in retrospect was fine with me). If anything maybe I came across as not as interested as I actually was? Or maybe I'm getting my just desserts? Karmically speaking somehow? The thing is I've never stood anyone up. I've never even gotten involved with anyone so how does that work? I'm thinking maybe I pissed him off by not wanting to hang out that night and he decided then that he was done with me. Or maybe he never wanted to go on a date which is why he got 'stuck' at work the first time? Way to send some mixed messages jerk. (Of course, I still haven't heard from or seen him so if something did happen to him I will feel like a gigantic asshole.)
That night (um 3 ago to be precise- thus the still growing perspective) I had a little emotional meltdown. The ironic thing is, I was feeling myself go down before this even happened, starting a few weeks ago actually with a visit from an old friend I had in common with Jean...But I digress. I had an insanely stressful beginning of the week and this just rounded it off. I was so angry, and here comes yet another irony, at myself. I mean yeah I was pissed at him for being a dick, but like usual I turned it inward because apparently all I ever think about is myself. I was already thinking well shit, my first possibility in 10 years and this is how it begins/ends? On the same night? I HATE THIS. I actually got all ready to go and sat and waited. I never thought I would be one of those girls. I thought I'd have enough awareness to be able to tell if a guy liked me enough to NOT STAND ME UP. THIS is why I don't date. Good GOD I'd be so embarrassed if I wasn't so mad. How often do I do this? Never. Can't the universe give me a fucking break? I started thinking everything I've been telling myself these past few months is crap and that I've just been talking myself into it because I want so badly to change. I thought fuck him, fuck this, I'm done. The door I thought I was opening slammed shut again.
The next day I ended up talking to a good friend (via IM) who told me to stop punching myself in the face. Didn't I see how messed up it was that he stood me up and I was mad at myself? I couldn't get her to see that it wasn't about being stood up (most likely because I wasn't making sense). It was about me retreating to square one after thinking my hard work in trying to change was getting somewhere. It still is about me wondering if maybe I really am wired to be alone. Because if I'm honest, I worried on some nights that Red would text me to hang out and I wouldn't have a good excuse to get out of it. I thought a lot about having someone to do things with and it made me happy, but then I also thought about how unhappy I'd be on the days/nights I just wanted to be alone to work on projects or write. How that would end up pissing him off, confusing him or hurting him. I know it's selfish but I didn't like worrying about what he was thinking. It's too hard to have someone else in my head. I don't know how people do it. I have enough trouble with my own thoughts and feelings...and I wonder if all of this is STILL an ongoing effect of my friendship with Jean. I was so consumed with how she was feeling and how I could make her happy that there was no me. I had no thoughts or feelings of my own. I can't go through that again. It destroyed me. It took years to rebuild myself. And I wasn't even in love with her! I wonder if I ever do get into a relationship whether I'll be able to distinguish what's too much and what's not enough. I suppose if I love him, caring about his thoughts and feelings will be balanced because I obviously have enough self-love to last me a lifetime. That is definitely not to say there is no self-loathing because I've pretty much cried for two nights over my solitude and what of myself I've created to keep me that way. But I suppose it's all about perspective. I shouldn't have IMed with my friend the day after because I had none. The mixture of disbelief, anger, sadness, resignation, pain and relief was overwhelming and I didn't know what to do with it.
Granted it's only 3 days later but this evening something occurred to me: Though it has actually been 10 years (no exaggeration) since the last time I've truly been interested in a guy, my previously thought decimated hope that I'd ever meet another one turns out to just be deflated. Under the rubble it's still there. Perhaps this really was just a catalyst in getting me to open up. This is in direct contradiction to my wonder about being built to be alone, which admittedly I still think. I have no explanation for this. I suppose hope never dies despite believing something contrary. I'm still hoping I'll meet a guy who I really want to be with, from the start, and having someone else in my head won't be so hard. Or at least, it'll be preferable to being alone. What freaks me out is how hard I know it's going to be, both to meet him and let him in, mostly because I'm really good at getting in my own way.
So yesterday I was at square one but I think I've climbed back up a peg today...hopefully. Maybe the door hasn't slammed shut. I dunno. I'm still swimming in emotion, trying to make sure I go in a good direction. The depression is still a threat, especially after my mother (who doesn't know about any of this) said she needed to make sure I had somebody before she dies (which isn't any time soon but still), but I think if I ride it out it will ebb as always and I'll be back to my old happy confused self, as opposed to my basket case confused self. I don't know why I continually torture myself with this internal war about being alone and being with someone. Sometimes I think I wouldn't know who I am without it.
12 comments:
WTF!!!
I'm so sorry this happened. But you do need to confirm what happened to him. It seems very, very odd for him to have done that when things were going so well.
He would have to be the biggest asshole (not to mention loser) in the world to stand you up like that just because you were tired on that day he wanted to do something. I'm dying to know what his excuse is if he has one.
I know you must feel really horrible especially since you are trying to open new doors like you put it but you can't let this stop you. You have to keep trying. You took a risk and it didn't work out...it's called risk for a reason. If you give up 10-15 years from now you may have deep, deep regrets. Stay the course. If in the end you are still alone at least you can have the peace of mind knowing that you gave it your best shot. You will be able to live with yourself.
Give it some time...time heals. And don't worry about not having alone time when you meet someone....you can and will have that time.
I wish you all the best.
PS
I think you should get closure on this and find out WTF happened....I know I would....but it's up to you.
I'm confused, too -- do you think the night he knocked on the door and asked about Wednesday...well, do you think he was expecting something more to happen?
I think that, if he decided he didn't want to date you after all, I don't think he would have said so to your face -- let's face it: most people are cowards when it comes to dating and relationships. But then again, we don't know if that's what really happened.
I don't know if I necessarily agree with the above comment about needing to confirm that he stood you up...I mean, how would you even go about doing that? I think I'd be more casual about it. If I saw him in the hallway and happened to bump into him, I'd probably just talk to him like normal and see if he brought it up and explained/made an excuse. But, I don't think I'd seek him out and let him even suspect that it totally pissed me off -- because that would be giving him way too much importance. (Yes, he was the first guy in a long time that you were actually interested in, but, hey, he doesn't need to know that.)
I do agree with your friend, though -- you need to stop punching yourself in the face about this. Yeah, it was disappointing and maddening, but it's not you -- it's Red.
I know what it's like struggling with the threat of depression when something confusing like this happens...but you know what? I still have great hopes for you and that you're going to have a happily-ever-after soon enough. (Did that sound totally lame?)
I think that it doesn't hurt to find out what happened. That way you can feel in all your right to hate him. Or not. I mean, if it was just a casual friend, someone Im not interested or really good friends with, I would ask what happened. You don't have to necessarily make a scene or anything. Just do what anybody would and if you see him again just ask, coldly, casually and keep your whatever attitude, like when you talked to him for the first time, without expecting anything. But do let him know it was rude of him not to say anything.
Now, I know how does meltdowns are. been there, and I am currently there too. Same story.
I do agree with the other writers here that this is closer than not having anything so pat yourself in the back cause you are at least slightly closer than 10 years ago. You are actually trying and that is better than just waiting bitterly for things to fall down the sky. I thing this journey is more about resistance... don't let this or any guy tell you when to stop pursuing what you want!
anon - i've actually still been wondering if something bad happened to him, but the other night i saw the light on in his apartment from the street (sound stalkerish at all?) so i know he's fine. so yeah, message received. i'm not sure i need any closure, because to be honest i don't really care why he did it. i mean, it's obviously something about me he didn't like so i get it. that's cool. not everyone's going to like me, i learned that lesson long ago. but i think i'm doing a lot better with the negative thoughts, and i won't let this end what i've been trying to do with my life. at least, i'm back on the soap box for now. ;)
ecrivain - i think you're totally right. most people would never tell someone they weren't interested, because most people wouldn't respond well to that. i just wish he'd at least come up with an excuse. i would have gotten the idea, i'm not an idiot. ah well. and it's funny that you asked was he expecting more because 2 people have also asked me that. in my own naivete i guess i didn't see it, but i think maybe that's totally what it is. maybe he wasn't expecting sex exactly that night, but he was looking for a good time and figured out he wasn't going to get that with me. it just kind of makes me nervous about my character judgement abilities because i really thought he was a nice guy. i guess maybe at heart he still might be, he just has a lot of growing up to do. and you're right about closure too- as i said to anon, i don't really need to hear why he did it because i feel like it's a clear case of i am who i am and he didn't like it so he ended it the easiest way he knew how. there would be no lingering questions as to whether he wanted to hang out after that. and thank you so much for your last comment. such encouraging words could never be lame, especially when feeling like i do. so thanks again for making me smile! as strange as it sounds, your hope gives me hope. :)
a box full of green crystals (interesting name :) - if i do pass him in the hall i'm pretty much going to act like nothing happened. maybe say hi, maybe not. if he says anything to me about it, i may put in my two cents, but i doubt he will. as i said above, i'm not someone he was interested in. as much as i'd like to believe everyone loves me, i know it's not true and i'm ok with that. all that it comes down to is i think he's a dick now. i hope one day he grows up and feels really bad about this. or at least, someone else will give him shit about it. thanks for your last words too! coming out from the immediate burn of it, i've realized that i've really just started looking, despite my age, so i need to relax and keep my chin up. (now that's lame!) but it's true. so i haven't reached real bitterness yet. hopefully i never will. here's to better luck in the future! :)
oh man this really sucks! and i'm confused as to the sudden turn of events 'coz it all seemed to be going so well. even if he didn't view you as dating potential, he certainly put out clear signs that he was at least interested in being friends. which then makes no sense for the standing up.
did you guys confirm again your dinner plans on wednesday? i know some guys are pretty bad with days and maybe he just somehow forgot (which though isn't a good sign anyway but at least makes him less of a royal jerk).
i don't think you should go outta your way to be friendly to him but at the same time if you did pass him in the hallway, you might wanna consider bringing it up if he didn't. i mean just casually. making it clear that he was being rude to do that to you but that also you're not all bothered 'coz you're so into him. if that makes any sense at all.
i can understand the depresssion. honestly i don't understand why guys do things like that (and other stuff like suddenly poofing when things seemed to be going so well).
like everyone else said, don't beat yourself up too much. you're not at fault. you just allowed yourself to feel that's all and that's not bad.
This is a toughie! It sucks to go through this kind of situation - I know, I've been there in one form or another several times. I think that when/if you see him in the hallway, you should definitely say hello. Act as if you couldn't care less that he ditched you. Hold your head high, smile, and don't let him see that it bothered you for even a second. If he brings it up, then definitely talk about it and ask what happened. But if he doesn't, I personally wouldn't acknowledge it.
And, I know that going through this kind of thing hurts, but it's these very experiences that will shape the person you are and help you figure out the type of person you want to be with in the long run. I completely agree with this statement you made, "Though it has actually been 10 years (no exaggeration) since the last time I've truly been interested in a guy, my previously thought decimated hope that I'd ever meet another one turns out to just be deflated. Under the rubble it's still there. Perhaps this really was just a catalyst in getting me to open up."
This happened for a reason, and that sounds like a darn good one to me!
Oh Queen V... I wish you were in SoCal because we'd so be besties and I would, as your bff, treat you to tapas and drinks and listen to the whole story and nod emphatically at all the right parts..... I'm so sorry to hear about this... I was really pushing for this to work. I've found, in being so selective, that when we think we've found someone to like, it's often our subconscious tricking us. I think it best to try and push this thought to the side next time you meet someone with potential. Basically put all your thoughts and feelings on ice and let the thing unfold as naturally as possible.
In any case, keep your head up... It's all a part of the universe's master plan. Or so it seems.
:-)
ScribeLA
Hey Queen V!
I feel like you could be me! I am also a 31 year old virgin, I think in the same city as you (you are in NYC, right?) I recently thought I met someone- long story, but I really thought we were going somewhere. but it turned out I was so wrong, and although we are friends now, I feel so stupid for even thinking he would be interested. but then I think, I am a smart successful, fairly attractive woman, why wouldn't he be? he is kind of a dork! I really do still think he was interested, I don't know what changed.
Have you tried online dating? i did a trial of eHarmony, but none of the guys they match me with are even in the city. I am so worried that if the real thing does come along, I would not know what to do. How can you even tell a guy that you are a virgin at this age. it seems so ridiculous.
The whole idea of dating is so beyond me. I can't figure out how it happens so easily for some people. I walk down the street and see all these couples together and can't even comprehend how they got together. anyway, sorry to vent. good luck to you. be aware, you are not alone!
-Lynn
jo - we confirmed on sunday, and though he acted like he was ok with not hanging out, the more time goes by the more i really do think i hurt his feelings. i never got the vibe that all he wanted was some action so this is the only conclusion i can draw. again, either that or he suddenly judged me as being lame for not hanging out but whatever. i've bounced back more quickly than i thought and i'm not even worried about bumping into him. :)
mandy - you know...all it took was a couple days...cuz now i really don't care that he ditched me! it's actually kind of funny, especially cuz he lives in the building. surprisingly i've been able to roll with the punches and move on, so go me! i mean, i still wonder now and then why he did it, but it's like, i don't care enough to actually want to find out.
scribe - haha! thank you! (and for being a loyal reader too!! :) tapas and a shoulder to cry on was just what i needed! :) i think in a sense though i did have my feelings on ice because though it hurt at first, it pretty much doesn't matter now. if i had really, really liked him i think i'd still be suffering and questioning myself and the situation. the more perspective i gain, the funnier all of it is.
lynn - yup! NYC, the hardest city to meet people. everyone always says women are crazy and men can't understand us, but men are JUST as crazy and they change their minds just as often! They just don't get blamed for it! i have not really tried online dating- my best friend insists i do it, but i have other friends who have tried it multiple times and all it ended up being was stressful with negative outcomes. i am very reluctant to try it. every couple i walk by i think, how did you meet? how did you start dating? aiee. good luck to you too! luckily i just can't seem to shake the optimism that allows me to believe we will each meet someone great. :)
I love your blog! I think it's time for a new post :)
didn't read all the other comments so this might be a repeat but did it ever occur to u that this guy might be like you? take 1 step forward, 2 steps back? perhaps "hanging out" is easier for him to deal with than an actual date. perhaps he himself gets freaked out because it's becoming real. like you really liking someone then running away when they actually turn their attention on you.
btw, i feel INSANELY relieved. i'm turning 30 this year and we have muchos in common.
it's so nice to know that i'm not the only one out there like this. I'm older than you and i've never had a boyfriend. I too just thought this guy who i met online actually liked me but i was so wrong. It made me feel so stupid but that is the way guys are nowadays only basically interested in sex and how fast they can get it. Really it is wrong to beat oneself over this situation. I see 2 options either join the crowd and become as shallow(promiscous) as the people now or be yourself and hope that maybe something as decent as yourself will show up.
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