Same Wavelength

I got another text from Fusion the night of the 'let's touch base' text which asked, on second thought what are you doing this weekend? Whomp. I wasn't sure what to say because I was still figuring out what I wanted to do so I just said I was busy with after holiday stuff. He said ok next week then.

By Saturday night I had written out and revised a text thirty times before sending it. It basically said I've been anxiously thinking about this and wanted to be be honest, I think we're lacking chemistry and I hope it's ok if we are friends.

His response? I feel 100% the same way.

I was right! I read him as well as myself and our interactions right. I suppose because of what I've been through and how I'm wired emotionally, I'm always doubting my feelings which only adds to the anxiety. So it was really great to find out I was on the right track and that he was totally cool about it. He even asked why I was so anxious because we'd only gone out a few times. It was a great reminder that other people do not think the way I do and don't feel like everything that happens to them is momentous, or at the very least don't always feel it at a vibrating 10 instead of a normal 3 or 4. 

He was actually really great and said he thought I was pretty and nice and decided to keep trying because he sort of wanted the chemistry to be there. In the end though it was a relief because he thought I really liked him. Guess he wasn't as good at reading me. 

At any rate, it was a positive experience all the way around even though it didn't work out and I feel a lot better about things.

That's not to say I've successfully kept the looming clouds at bay...they've obviously been encroaching and I've been up and down these past few weeks, but I haven't completely fallen off the edge. Baby steps. I still have to contend with my birthday. 

Up Next: Still Crazy

I just want to stop caring. About everything.

Just when I thought I'd finally grown a few layers of skin over this exposed nerve...

Aside from the concrete skies of deep winter, Thanksgiving is the hardest time of year for me. Everyone complains about having to spend time with extended family- my complaint is the exact opposite. I actually don't remember ever having a traditional Thanksgiving with family. I might have when I was a child, but from age 12 on my parents took a Caribbean vacation every third week of November. (I have since learned that Thanksgiving was my mother's most hated time of year. Surprise.) Not that I'm complaining about that, when I did spend the holidays with them there it was amazing, if not sometimes hard to find a turkey dinner. But as an adult I appreciate much more the event of spending time with family than anything else, and every year unless I am able to take the vacation with them (which as happened twice since 1994), I go without. And my brother is just too damn far away.

I am incredibly grateful for the friends who have taken in my lost soul all these years and have included me in their family's celebrations, but ultimately it just makes me miss my own more. This year absolutely no one called, emailed or even texted me a happy thanksgiving. Except my brother thank God and the bff who took me in this year. Everyone posted to Facebook of course, but the point is all of my friends know now just how over sensitive I am about this and how it hurts. They all know and yet still couldn't take two minutes to text 17 letters to me specifically. (Unless I texted them first before I accidentally left my phone home.) Granted they probably didn't text anyone, and I am aware of how small this is and how over reactive I am, but let's face it it's who I am. It's why I never wanted to open up to anyone- it just reminds me again and again how I'm not the most important person in anyone's life. At least before I could credit them with not knowing the underlying loneliness I feel and how happy it would it make me to get a goddamn text. 

But again I know this is an issue of oversensitivity so I don't blame them for not thinking twice. Well, I guess I do at least right now because it hurts. But I'll eventually forget, to be reminded next year same time same place. 

I hate Facebook. It makes it too easy to deny people direct contact. It is slowly destroying any real communication between people. At least texting is still person to person with specific intent. 

How am I supposed to survive this technological revolution?

I just want to stop caring. About everything.

Waiting For Fusion Part Deux

I asked my mom about that moment when she first saw my father again. I said love at first sight probably wouldn't happen for me. She said it didn't happen for her and my dad either. I practically shouted. 

WHAT? You've had me believing that my ENTIRE LIFE!

I don't know why.

You took your ring off when you SAW him!

Well sure, I liked him the minute I saw him and I knew I wanted to get to know him, but I wasn't in love with him. We didn't know where it was going, we just kept getting together and went with the flow. He was supposed to go back to the Philippines. We had no idea what was going to happen. Then your grandfather sat us down and said, "what are you two doing? are you getting married or not?" and that was that.

Wow. One of the most romantic beginnings to one of the least climactic proposals on record. Despite having the dream of my parents' romantic beginning destroyed, it actually made me feel a lot better. I started asking my friends about their significant others. All of their stories were different and yet similar in that there was something that drew them to their other half. Whether it was chemistry, or a I just want to be near this person feeling, to when I kissed him I knew.  So of course I started thinking about Fusion and what I felt when I met him. One of my friends actually asked if there were sparks. That question is specifically why I don't like telling people about my outings. I said no, not exactly, but that he was the first guy I'd met in a long time that I was interested in getting to know and that is huge for me. 

But after date #4 I started twisting up my emotions while trying to figure them out at the same time and I became confused and overwhelmed. (Actually to be honest, the anxious feelings started before date #4 but I had no idea where they were coming from or what exactly to attribute them to.) I started to feel like I was falling and it made me angry. Part of me thought maybe I was shutting down because I was approaching emotional territory with another human being. Part of me thought maybe there just wasn't any chemistry despite my liking him as a person and how much we had in common. As is my only way to deal with it I let myself get so upset I cried. All I did know was that it had nothing to do with him, it was all me, and that made me even crazier. Why can't I just deal with my emotions like a normal person??

I knew I had to talk to someone but I didn't want to call the bff. She's been trying to help me stay on the up and up and I didn't want to disappoint her I think, or at any rate hear her say I was being ridiculous. So I called my mother instead. I was well aware it was not the best idea but I sort of wanted her to witness how much she has f'ed me up. I mean, she knows she has but I wanted it to be as visceral for her as it is for me. That's terrible to say and unfair to her but in retrospect it's true. She did a pretty good job hiding her emotional issues from me growing up but they still trickled down. In the end she's my mom and essentially I want her comfort. Anyway I didn't put on a show, I'm not like that. But I knew I was going to cry because it's my coping mechanism and I would have done it with whomever I spoke, so I figured why not her.  

Her first response was to say I needed to go back to therapy. I could tell she wanted to help but didn't know how. Ultimately I just needed her to listen because very shortly after I got off the phone with her I felt much better. I talked about how I didn't know why I was upset, I just knew it wasn't because of him or the date that seemed to end weirdly. How I was frustrated with myself because I seem to get confused emotionally so quickly by no one other than myself. How even though I like him and wanted to get to know him, he himself doesn't really make me feel any particular way. How If he stopped communicating with me I wouldn't really care. How maybe I was shutting down. How my initial excitement blocked out any ability to get a feel for him. How maybe I was just really disappointed because it's been forever since I met anyone decent and he's not working out. 

Other thoughts after I finally talked to the bff (who didn't make me feel ridiculous) were if I really liked him I would have no problem texting him immediately to go out again (because I've done it before) or to invite him over to see what would happen. Instead I'm thinking, I've been alone for so long and clawed my way through life making every decision for myself by myself, I just want him to make the move. I want him to be a little romantic and put the first foot forward. I want him to show me he's interested.

I know that's not a totally rational expectation. Maybe he's not a romantic. Maybe he's shy in that respect and doesn't want to make the first move. I don't know. But after all is said and thought to death, the chemistry thing is what I figured out. It's just not there. It's been a week since our date and he hasn't communicated once. (Nor I with him but I wanted to wait to obviously see if he was still interested.) Other than trying to figure my own feelings out, I haven't really thought about him, the guy himself. Like what he was up to or even what he thinks about me. I can't help but feel that's pretty telling. When the days went by I figured maybe it was mutual, he didn't feel the chemistry either.

But then I got a text this morning- on the vague side if you ask me but then again I shouldn't read into a text, especially from a guy probably not thinking about what he's actually texting. He just wished me a happy holiday with a let's touch base next week about getting together. I'm still wondering if he's not feeling the chemistry and is texting just to be nice because let's touch base? Really? A week goes by and that's the effort? Seems lacking doesn't it? In his defense we've been pretty casual in our communications, but at the very least we've been straightforward with a plan of some sort. I wished him a happy holiday in return but that was it. I'm not sure how I'm going to handle it if/when he texts next week. I don't want to go out with him just to tell him I don't feel any chemistry and want to stop seeing him, but texting it seems lame too. I don't know. I guess time will tell as it always does. 

Overall, I think this has been a good experience and I've handled it pretty well. Even my little cry session. It's all new to me so I guess I'm just learning about my own behavior and feelings. I mean, I've gone on a few dates before and liked a few guys but none ever had the expectation to really go anywhere. When that expectation finally came to the forefront I broke down and went to therapy. I feel better equipped and much more open now having admitted it's what I want, but I still have to struggle through it. I suppose most people do actually. It would be a different world if it was easy I guess. 

Three and Four

Date #3 Dinner in Chelsea

The Nor'easter hit and when he texted there was already 4 inches of snow. I said as long as public transportation was running I was not rescheduling again! The restaurant he chose ended up being closed so we walked around to the first decent restaurant we saw. Conversation was still easy and it was fun to be out during such a snow storm. We discovered yet more parallels in our lives and when the date ended we kissed. And then I went in for another real kiss. It was really nice. He has soft lips. :) He immediately texted to meet up again for dinner next week, this time no snow.

Date #4 Dinner in Chelsea take 2

We decided to go back and try that restaurant again, and yet again it was closed despite the website NOT mentioning the closure either time. I heard some people passing by say it had been closed since the superstorm so it's even weirder that the website doesn't say anything. Also weird that it was not in the area that was flooded and the attached store was open. Anyway, again we were forced to just walk along the avenue to see what else there was. We stopped for Thai food, my favorite. I think I was a little low energy in the beginning because I was hungry and a little tired, but once I got some food in me I felt better. And then I didn't. Conversation was still fine, but things felt a little different to me. My stomach suddenly felt weird and I couldn't finish my food. Maybe a little anxiety attack? Then we went for coffee and tea and things felt even weirder. It seemed like he was distracted or suddenly not interested in what I was saying. He was tired too though so it may have just been an off night, but something nagged at me. When the date ended he kissed me quickly and we went our separate ways. No text followed from either of us. 

I'm not sure what to think but you know I can't stop. Mind on overdrive despite my best efforts to calm myself. 

Waiting for Fusion

I do my best to not take things for granted. Or put another way, I try to remember as much as possible to be grateful for what I have. Everything in life is lose-able. That said, every time I walked into the bathroom for the three days I was without power due to the storm I flicked on the light switch. EVERY TIME. It's a little bit of jolt to suddenly realize just how much you've been taking something for granted. But in all honesty who has the time (or memory) to think "thank you for electricity!" every time they turn on a light? Still, I can't help but think it can't hurt (karmically) to think it every once in a while and not just when you're suddenly without it.

I'm starting to wonder if it's like that with love for some people. Those who fall in love so easily they don't even know they're doing it. Sure they're heartbroken when they're suddenly without it, but do they ever appreciate how wonderful it is that they can fall so easily?

I think I've mentioned before how my parents met and fell in love at first sight. Literally. My mother was engaged to another man and when she saw my father she slipped the ring off in her pocket. She just knew. And my father, the devout Catholic he is, said but they're not married yet! when he discovered she was engaged. My gentle, soft-spoken, back down from every fight father. He knew. They have their issues but they are still married 47 years later. Perhaps love created it, perhaps life created it but my mother's completely contradictive independent co-dependence on my father and my father's oblivious co-dependence on my mother would absolutely have one lost without the other. Once I heard the story as a teenager and became truly aware of the life they created together I always assumed it would happen to me too. Despite all my hang ups and stepping back from men and dating, I still thought when I see him I will just know. It always bothered me when people said it doesn't work that way. Love grows. I always thought not for me. I'm going to get the fairytale.

I have harbored that feeling all of my adult life. And then a few weeks ago I met Fusion. It suddenly occurred to me that I'm not actually capable of love at first sight or even sparks upon first meeting. I closed down so much of the openness most people have when they meet someone new that any chance of something spontaneous happening is close to nil (but maybe not impossible?). My emotional self won't let it happen. I believe my emotional self could even dampen chemistry, even though it has way less control over me than it used to. In all honesty though the dream of following in my parents footsteps is most likely just that, a dream. It used to be unimaginable to me that I wouldn't know my future husband the second I met him. I look back (you know, to last month) at that headstrong naive girl and I'm amazed how so completely I refused to believe love could grow. Now I realize it's the only way it will happen for me. He will have to be my friend first, someone I trust and feel safe with after getting to know. I'm starting to believe those fireworks happen when love happens, no matter how long you've know a person. So maybe the whole cake and getting to eat it thing will happen for me after all.

I want to learn more about him. His likes and dislikes, how he interacts with other people, what makes him smile. I suppose ultimately I want to know if he's interested in learning those things about me too. I've been in too many one-sided friendships so I'm a big proponent of the two way street. We seem to be on the level about a lot of things so hopefully it runs deeper as well.

Meeting up with Fusion has been all but impossible since the storm. The closing of public transportation and bridges and tunnels has put everything on hold and my patience is wearing thin. Do I rely on public transportation or do I take it for granted? Luckily we both made it through relatively unscathed. He more so than me, I don't think he even lost power. Some of my friends are still without power but thankfully that's the worst of it. The Jersey shore was a huge part of my childhood and though I haven't been back in a while I already miss it. It was somewhere I wanted to bring my children if I have them and though I'm sure I will be able to in the future, it won't be the same.

But I digress. We have now postponed dinner twice, and I'm already sure we will have to again. We are supposed to get a Nor'easter on Wednesday, our next scheduled date. Normally it wouldn't be a big deal but because of the storm public transportation recovery could be put on hold. Occasionally I think is this a sign? (Mars is in retrograde!) but then I answer don't be stupid it's just bad luck. We all know how long it's been since I've not only met a guy, but one worth pursuing, so thankfully rational thought is winning.

He's still texting asking if we're on so I guess it's a good sign he thinks I'm worth pursuing too.

Moving Forward

“So many people are shut up tight inside themselves like boxes, yet they would open up, unfolding quite wonderfully, if only you were interested in them.”
-Sylvia Plath

I could not have described myself better. I suppose what I have to remember is that I can't just wait around for someone to take interest in me. I have to take interest as well. Despite how much it has cost me in the past, it's time to move beyond it. Or at the very least be ready to risk a fall again. It's the only way to move forward.

So here I go.

AmeriFusion

Date #1 Coffee in my neighborhood

Coffee with, let's call him Fusion (for the fact that he's of mixed heritage as well as religions...I've also taken to calling myself Asian Fusion because I thought it was hilarious when Damon said it on TVD), went really well. We have so much in common it actually makes me nervous...I suppose it's the whole waiting for the other shoe to drop part of my distrust of meeting a seemingly decent guy. But he IS a genuinely decent human being and for that I like him a lot. Our political views and cultural views are in synch, he loves music and travel to the same degree I do and even his choice of foods is similar to mine. Conversation was easy and comfortable. (Too good to be true right?) We chatted for almost two and a half hours. He drove me back to my place and I leaned in to kiss him on the cheek. He moved so I ended up planting one on him.

Date #2 Lunch in my neighborhood

He's working nights and I work from home so we met up for a quick lunch. I wonder if maybe I cut it too short (we did have time to sit in the park and chat) but I had to pee and sort of wanted to get home before my brain starting thinking too much. This time he leaned forward and we kissed properly. And chastely...for now. We texted pretty much immediately after about going out again so I'm thinking he's ok with it, if maybe a little disappointed.

I'm trying very hard to take this as it comes and not over-think every single little detail. I already told too many people about him and they're asking questions which is what I want to avoid. So far though I've managed to maintain my excitement about seeing him and getting to know him and letting things progress naturally.

Plus he's cute and I can actually imagine having sex with him. That has not happened in a loooong time. Even with Red I had a little trouble. So honestly this (just wanting to have sex with him) is a sort of breakthrough for me and I am hopeful about a relationship happening that will eventually lead to that. Maybe I'll finally be a big girl and let a man into my life!

What's Happening?

11:43am - BFF texts me her parents found me a husband while on vacation. They are not kidding.

12:20pm - BFF gives me his name, I look him up on Facebook and tell her I think he's cute.

12:23pm - BFF messages him on Facebook, telling me after the fact.

12:37pm - He messages BFF back with his number saying he'd like to meet me.

12:48pm - I text him.

1:13pm - He texts back.

I have a coffee date.

FINALLY.

:) 

Dinner With a Human of the Male Persuasion

Last night was the closest thing to a date I've had in a long, loooong time. But technically speaking it was not a date, nor did I attend it that way. 

Remember the ex-coworker I asked out over email? Well he contacted me again in that friendly how have you been way that is just so suggestive of interest! I told him I was doing well and really loving working for myself and he replied that he was thinking about heading down that route and he'd love to maybe get together and ask me a million questions. 

So last night we met up over dinner in the village. 

He's still cute. And also still 10 years younger. Sigh. Anyway, I surprised myself by not being nervous in the slightest. I did tell myself though the entire time between when he suggested getting together and when we met that it was not a date, it was simply a casual get together to chat about work. I gave him a hug and a greeting kiss on the cheek when we met, since I do that a lot with people (male and female) I haven't seen in a long time. We sat down and since he still works at the company we had a lot to catch up on. It sounds as if he's exactly where I was before I quit. It's so sad because this company has such potential to be a really exciting, fun, creative place to work, but because the higher ups are all egomaniacal ass hats who care more about enforcing their own opinions than the actual output of work none of the worker bees have a chance to really flourish. 

Anyway, it was comfortable and fun to talk with him, though I think I probably did a lot of the talking for once, and when we were done and standing outside the restaurant he asked what I was doing next. Because I am not a fast thinker on my feet I just told the truth, I was going home. I know many of you are shaking your head- this was the perfect place to flirt or even ask if he wanted to get a drink or dessert, but I just wasn't sure. If he had proposed it, I would have said yes. He mentioned a place that had great Philly cheese steaks down the block (which was clearly not an ask to extend our time together as we had just finished a huge dinner) to which I unveiled my non-red meat or dairy diet. Debbie Downer much? He seemed so excited about it...

Then he walked me to my subway and I gave him another hug, but this time without the goodbye cheek kiss- However, he gave me one. I don't know why but I always do that. If someone doesn't also kiss me in greeting, I feel weird about it and I don't do it again during the goodbye. But 9 out of 10 times I will get the goodbye kiss and so I feel like an ass for not. Oh social customs and self-confidence, can't you just stick to one method and go with it?

Overall it was a really nice night out, maybe more so because I didn't feel the pressure of being on an actual date, but in the end it makes me sad that I'm not out on the town more, with a male of course. Shocking.

I'm not sure how he felt about the whole thing- I mean I think he had a nice time, but I wonder if that ask about what I was doing next had some subtext to it. It's only natural I suppose. I don't know if he's still seeing the girl he was seeing when I asked him out. We didn't venture into that area and I was not about to ask. I'm fighting a bit of an internal war about how young he is and if I want to attempt to start anything since we're at such different stages in our lives. 

But I will say yes if he does contact me again and asks to go on a proper date.

Behold Me

“Dreaming permits each and every one of us to be quietly and safely insane every night.” 

-William Dement

"...just as not dreaming forces us to be insane during the day."

-Queen Vee

About a month ago I finally decided I had had it with being exhausted all the time and I went to a sleep doctor. All my blood work was negative so I knew it was my sleep, or lack thereof, that made me feel zombie-like all the time.  I told her about the hallucinations while falling asleep, the teeth grinding, the body heat rising and generally waking up 5 times a night for no reason. I also told her the bad sleep issues began while I was living with Jean (12 years ago now), one of the most stressful and depressed periods of my life, and that the terrifying dreams came and went with the rise and fall of stress in my life eventually morphing into the hallucinations.

She said though I may not feel depressed or anxious at the moment, because I've been dealing with those things for so long it has affected my sleep patterns and now they are basically manifesting in my sleep. (I also talk, laugh and cry while sleeping.)  The prescription: 7 hours ONLY in bed and a (low dose of) xanax before bedtime. The 7 hours thing didn't work out- I was more a zombie than ever- so I made it 8 hours. The xanax is helping, I haven't had a hallucination since the first night I started taking it. And I'm doing my best to keep to the sleep schedule. So far so good, I feel better.

But it started me thinking about depression again, and I actually think though I don't feel like I'm depressed...I may actually be. My life...it's not that I've failed to live up to any sort of dreams I had for myself...but it's still not what I expected. In terms of men I guess. I never knew what I'd be when I grew up, but I always assumed I'd be with someone. I think I'm just having a really hard time understanding why, especially when it's so easy to look around at all the couples everywhere and compare myself. 

I mean, I know why I was single up until a year ago. But since then so much of my mental state has changed and yet I'm still in the same exact fucking spot I've always been.  I contacted three more guys online. One responded to an "I'm interested in you" sort of auto message on the site with "is that so?" WTF? I know he's probably just playing but I'm so not. Either you like my profile or you don't. (My BFF thinks I should have responded with that. She thinks a guy who wants a cool girl would think that was a great response. I'm not so sure.) I'm perfectly capable of matching your wit but not right off the bat. There's no way through email you'd be able to read my sarcasm without thinking I'm a bitch. One wrote back, yes let's get together! but when I wrote back to him (very short message asking what's up next week) he never responded again. For a moment there I got excited that I might have a date. And one just never responded period. At the moment I have the most respect for him. 

I realize online dating is not the be-all end-all but it's just so frustrating. Why do guys respond with interest and then drop you? I've been trying to go out to meet people too but that doesn't seem to be working all that well either. In the end though, face to face will be the only way it works. So I'm going to sign up for different art and music classes and do some living social outdoor sports stuff and just hope for the best. I took surfing lessons for this purpose. Surfing lessons. I was friendly and smiling and even though I'm no volleyball player I look decent in a bikini, but I didn't get a second glance. It really is depressing. 

I texted the BFF that I wasn't sure I believed in fate anymore. Life is what it is. She told me to stop depressing her. 

Maybe my confidence is too high. Is that possible for a single woman in her mid thirties? I know who I am, I'm aware of my faults and I like myself (for the most part). But none of this means I think I'm better than anyone else or that men should be falling at my feet. I do believe that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so therefore a person will always have someone else find them attractive. My question is where are the few that behold me? Why don't they speak up?

The husband of a good friend of mine visited the city for work awhile ago and we had dinner. I've known him a good number of years now so I asked him to be honest with me. I said, "what was your first impression of me?" He actually wasn't the best guy to ask because my friend had shown him a college video of me (before we met) and her being really silly for a class project. So he already knew that I had a fun side. He did tell me once that he thought I was the most together person he knew. Then he found out I was in therapy and on medication. Ha. So then I asked if he thought I was intimidating in general to guys. He said that wasn't the right word- he said I carried myself with confidence (which was cool) but also with a wounded air of sorts. He didn't say more but I'm guessing a wounded air is not something with which guys are interested in getting involved. In retrospect I'm not sure if he said this because he knows a little about how badly I've been hurt in the past, or if I really do still have a guarded default face. 

All I know is I'm trying and I'm frustrated. And possibly depressed. Again. It just shouldn't have to be this hard. It seems, and maybe it really is only seems, but it seems like it's not for most people. So now I'll have my tantrum and ask why is it for me?

Crazy

Last night was tough. There is a deep sense of loneliness I am still unwilling to totally admit I feel and I'm not sure why. Well that's not true. I guess it goes back to my independence issues and having to admit that I actually need another human being to be part of my life. As always on the surface everything is great. I am loving my new freelance lifestyle, I am especially loving not having to commute amongst thousands of inconsiderate people who make me angry, and I'm still being social...at least as social as I've ever been. I've even joined a few groups on meetup .com. I'm happy.

But then suddenly out of nowhere I cried last night. Couldn't sleep, couldn't shut off my brain. I haven't done that since therapy. Possibly hormones, possibly the frustration I still have with myself just surfacing again. I don't know. I just wish it would leave me alone. I haven't posted in awhile because it actually has been leaving me alone- I guess I should be grateful for that. So I guess what I mean is leave me alone forever. I just received an email from someone who called me 'clearly nuts'. If he only knew the stuff I don't post that goes on in my head. Maybe I am crazy. But crazy people find other people all the time. Where's my other crazy half?

My mother once said that she wanted me to find someone and get married because then she'd know I was happy and it would make her happy. Sometimes her view of the world can be simplistic. I know her heart is in the right place but it ended up feeling like pressure. Like her happiness depends on me getting married. It's irrational and by some people's account crazy I know, but I can't stop the knee jerk reaction. It's a product of the emotional environment I grew up in.

So the other day I said to her, "what if I don't ever find someone?" just to get a reaction and admittedly to hear someone say to me yet again, "don't be ridiculous you'll find someone. He's out there." Apparently I am in need of some positive reinforcement. Her reply was completely unexpected. "Well, sometimes people don't. Look at your aunt and your cousin." My aunt, rest her soul, never married and my cousin who is older than me is still single. I wonder, in retrospect, if this shows a little growth on her part but at the time it just made me want to run out into the middle of traffic.

Why couldn't she have f'ed me up in some other way? I would gladly take her fear of water, her struggling self-confidence or even her fear of travel over whatever the hell my problem with relationships is. It's so fundamental...so baseline...so essential to being human and I feel like I'm just totally missing that building block in my foundation. I've just been rolling around with a little piece missing but didn't know it until someone cut me and it started to bleed. Six years of blog posts later, Shel Silverstein would be disappointed in me.

The Business of Solitude

The happiest of all lives is a busy solitude. ~Voltaire

My old mantra popped back into my consciousness as of late: Maybe I'm meant to be alone. Having quit my job and now am in waiting for freelance work I've had a lot of time with my solitude. A lot. I knew before I quit that this might happen, but I took my chances. I've been more or less keeping myself busy with all the things I've always wanted to get done, but no one can be busy 24/7. Thus I am pretty happy according to Voltaire (he's not wrong), except during the moments when I'm not.

I don't really believe anyone is meant to be alone, but it is definitely much harder for some of us than others to escape the solo situation. Once we leave the transient, yet structured institutions of education how do we meet new people? As much as I want it to, the online thing just isn't working. How can a relatively normal woman who leans a little to the introverted side find someone? I came across a website that does a sort of singles travel thing which I'm very interested in, but I have to get my finances in order before I can even think about that.

The bff and I were discussing how I could get "out there" again. I said, you know people have just shown me over and over how shit they can be. She said, yeah but you only need one to show you he's not. I said, so how do you find a needle in a haystack when you're allergic to hay?

Awesomeness

Last night I dreamed (dreamt?) my yoga instructor (who I have a yogi crush on) and Lady Gaga, amongst many other random celebrities, were at a party that was taking place in my childhood home. We were in my bedroom, complete with pink carpet, tie die peace poster and full length princess mirror in the corner. I don't have a particular love for Gaga so I'm not sure why she was there, but I thought my best friends would die if they saw a picture of me and La Gaags in my childhood bedroom. So in an act that makes total sense I handed her the camera and she started taking pictures of me and my yogi crush.

I feel like the last year of my life has gone on this way. Something happens that seems awesome and then for some unknown reason I turn around and do something completely inane.

All I can do is hope that one of these times the outcome of my backwardness is awesome too.

Career Nutshell in the Vaguest Sense

Well, well 2012, better late than never, no? I've been waiting patiently for you for ages. I know you've got lots of things, good things, hidden in the months of your year and I can't wait for them. You're like my life's Santa Claus and I've been a very, very good girl so shower me with gifts dammit. I deserve it.

About six months ago I quit a job with a company I had been with for eight and a half years. I worked my way up through the ranks at a painfully slow rate comparatively speaking to some of my (i'm going to say it please don't cringe) male counterparts. Despite being constantly told how talented and valuable I was, I watched two male co-workers come from behind me and get promoted above me, one right after the other. I work in a male dominated field (which is allegedly changing) but as far as my career goes I have always been at most one of two women in the department. My lack of stepping up for myself, an insecure, vindictive female boss and the relative charm and smarts of my male co-workers (whom I don't blame) kept me from rising the ranks faster. It sucks to have to admit that I played a part in how hard my career has been. At any rate, I spent many years there frustrated but unable to get a job elsewhere. When I was finally denied my latest promotion, and told to my face in so many words that they knew I was totally capable of handling the job but they were going with someone else, I quit.

It was a great feeling.

Of course I did have another job lined up which gave me the promotion I deserved.

And I was SO excited. My own optimism still surprises me at times. I couldn't wait to do all the things I had been denied and to be part of a new creative team that was about to embark on a huge project. The timing seemed impeccable.

Then I started the new job. I liked my boss a lot but I couldn't quit seem to get into the groove of his creative sense. It wasn't until later that I realized it was because his creative sense is insane. I quickly learned the big company project was handed to an outside vendor and the internal day to day job seemed way harder than it needed to be, especially because in retrospect I was only doing the work of the position below me. After three months I started to think maybe this wasn't going to get better, the creative process was unstructured, frustrating and not conducive to good work. After another month I realized it was only going to get worse. The directors I worked with still tried to do my job while failing to do their own. It's like having the IT guy standing over your shoulder telling you what to do and then shoving you out of your chair to do it himself but then not really knowing what he's doing so he makes the problem worse. (No offense IT guys, but you know you do it.) By month five I decided to quit and after month six, which will be this coming Friday, I will be set free.

The difference is, aside from the time length, is this time I don't have a job lined up.

I am relying on my reputation (it's a small industry) and my connections to hopefully get me freelance work and the thought of not having a boss, not having to call anyone when I'm sick or having to ask for time off, makes my head spin with excitement. This is what I should have done long ago, but I know it never would have worked had I tried it before. I hate to say it, but it's only because of what I've been through that I have the confidence to go solo. It's thrilling.

I haven't felt this happy in a long time.

As you can probably guess there is no update on the men front. I seem to be unable or unwilling to handle both the professional and personal sides of life when something stressful happens on the work side. I'm hoping though with a change this big in my professional life the stresses I've faced before won't be an issue. There won't be anyone promoted past me or a boss choking my career. AND as a freelancer I'm hoping to be exposed to a lot more people- i.e. to meet a lot more men.

As always time will tell.