I asked my mom about that moment when she first saw my father again. I said love at first sight probably wouldn't happen for me. She said it didn't happen for her and my dad either. I practically shouted.
WHAT? You've had me believing that my ENTIRE LIFE!
I don't know why.
You took your ring off when you SAW him!
Well sure, I liked him the minute I saw him and I knew I wanted to get to know him, but I wasn't in love with him. We didn't know where it was going, we just kept getting together and went with the flow. He was supposed to go back to the Philippines. We had no idea what was going to happen. Then your grandfather sat us down and said, "what are you two doing? are you getting married or not?" and that was that.
Wow. One of the most romantic beginnings to one of the least climactic proposals on record. Despite having the dream of my parents' romantic beginning destroyed, it actually made me feel a lot better. I started asking my friends about their significant others. All of their stories were different and yet similar in that there was something that drew them to their other half. Whether it was chemistry, or a I just want to be near this person feeling, to when I kissed him I knew. So of course I started thinking about Fusion and what I felt when I met him. One of my friends actually asked if there were sparks. That question is specifically why I don't like telling people about my outings. I said no, not exactly, but that he was the first guy I'd met in a long time that I was interested in getting to know and that is huge for me.
But after date #4 I started twisting up my emotions while trying to figure them out at the same time and I became confused and overwhelmed. (Actually to be honest, the anxious feelings started before date #4 but I had no idea where they were coming from or what exactly to attribute them to.) I started to feel like I was falling and it made me angry. Part of me thought maybe I was shutting down because I was approaching emotional territory with another human being. Part of me thought maybe there just wasn't any chemistry despite my liking him as a person and how much we had in common. As is my only way to deal with it I let myself get so upset I cried. All I did know was that it had nothing to do with him, it was all me, and that made me even crazier. Why can't I just deal with my emotions like a normal person??
I knew I had to talk to someone but I didn't want to call the bff. She's been trying to help me stay on the up and up and I didn't want to disappoint her I think, or at any rate hear her say I was being ridiculous. So I called my mother instead. I was well aware it was not the best idea but I sort of wanted her to witness how much she has f'ed me up. I mean, she knows she has but I wanted it to be as visceral for her as it is for me. That's terrible to say and unfair to her but in retrospect it's true. She did a pretty good job hiding her emotional issues from me growing up but they still trickled down. In the end she's my mom and essentially I want her comfort. Anyway I didn't put on a show, I'm not like that. But I knew I was going to cry because it's my coping mechanism and I would have done it with whomever I spoke, so I figured why not her.
Her first response was to say I needed to go back to therapy. I could tell she wanted to help but didn't know how. Ultimately I just needed her to listen because very shortly after I got off the phone with her I felt much better. I talked about how I didn't know why I was upset, I just knew it wasn't because of him or the date that seemed to end weirdly. How I was frustrated with myself because I seem to get confused emotionally so quickly by no one other than myself. How even though I like him and wanted to get to know him, he himself doesn't really make me feel any particular way. How If he stopped communicating with me I wouldn't really care. How maybe I was shutting down. How my initial excitement blocked out any ability to get a feel for him. How maybe I was just really disappointed because it's been forever since I met anyone decent and he's not working out.
Other thoughts after I finally talked to the bff (who didn't make me feel ridiculous) were if I really liked him I would have no problem texting him immediately to go out again (because I've done it before) or to invite him over to see what would happen. Instead I'm thinking, I've been alone for so long and clawed my way through life making every decision for myself by myself, I just want him to make the move. I want him to be a little romantic and put the first foot forward. I want him to show me he's interested.
I know that's not a totally rational expectation. Maybe he's not a romantic. Maybe he's shy in that respect and doesn't want to make the first move. I don't know. But after all is said and thought to death, the chemistry thing is what I figured out. It's just not there. It's been a week since our date and he hasn't communicated once. (Nor I with him but I wanted to wait to obviously see if he was still interested.) Other than trying to figure my own feelings out, I haven't really thought about him, the guy himself. Like what he was up to or even what he thinks about me. I can't help but feel that's pretty telling. When the days went by I figured maybe it was mutual, he didn't feel the chemistry either.
But then I got a text this morning- on the vague side if you ask me but then again I shouldn't read into a text, especially from a guy probably not thinking about what he's actually texting. He just wished me a happy holiday with a let's touch base next week about getting together. I'm still wondering if he's not feeling the chemistry and is texting just to be nice because let's touch base? Really? A week goes by and that's the effort? Seems lacking doesn't it? In his defense we've been pretty casual in our communications, but at the very least we've been straightforward with a plan of some sort. I wished him a happy holiday in return but that was it. I'm not sure how I'm going to handle it if/when he texts next week. I don't want to go out with him just to tell him I don't feel any chemistry and want to stop seeing him, but texting it seems lame too. I don't know. I guess time will tell as it always does.
Overall, I think this has been a good experience and I've handled it pretty well. Even my little cry session. It's all new to me so I guess I'm just learning about my own behavior and feelings. I mean, I've gone on a few dates before and liked a few guys but none ever had the expectation to really go anywhere. When that expectation finally came to the forefront I broke down and went to therapy. I feel better equipped and much more open now having admitted it's what I want, but I still have to struggle through it. I suppose most people do actually. It would be a different world if it was easy I guess.
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