Up Next: Still Crazy

I just want to stop caring. About everything.

Just when I thought I'd finally grown a few layers of skin over this exposed nerve...

Aside from the concrete skies of deep winter, Thanksgiving is the hardest time of year for me. Everyone complains about having to spend time with extended family- my complaint is the exact opposite. I actually don't remember ever having a traditional Thanksgiving with family. I might have when I was a child, but from age 12 on my parents took a Caribbean vacation every third week of November. (I have since learned that Thanksgiving was my mother's most hated time of year. Surprise.) Not that I'm complaining about that, when I did spend the holidays with them there it was amazing, if not sometimes hard to find a turkey dinner. But as an adult I appreciate much more the event of spending time with family than anything else, and every year unless I am able to take the vacation with them (which as happened twice since 1994), I go without. And my brother is just too damn far away.

I am incredibly grateful for the friends who have taken in my lost soul all these years and have included me in their family's celebrations, but ultimately it just makes me miss my own more. This year absolutely no one called, emailed or even texted me a happy thanksgiving. Except my brother thank God and the bff who took me in this year. Everyone posted to Facebook of course, but the point is all of my friends know now just how over sensitive I am about this and how it hurts. They all know and yet still couldn't take two minutes to text 17 letters to me specifically. (Unless I texted them first before I accidentally left my phone home.) Granted they probably didn't text anyone, and I am aware of how small this is and how over reactive I am, but let's face it it's who I am. It's why I never wanted to open up to anyone- it just reminds me again and again how I'm not the most important person in anyone's life. At least before I could credit them with not knowing the underlying loneliness I feel and how happy it would it make me to get a goddamn text. 

But again I know this is an issue of oversensitivity so I don't blame them for not thinking twice. Well, I guess I do at least right now because it hurts. But I'll eventually forget, to be reminded next year same time same place. 

I hate Facebook. It makes it too easy to deny people direct contact. It is slowly destroying any real communication between people. At least texting is still person to person with specific intent. 

How am I supposed to survive this technological revolution?

I just want to stop caring. About everything.