Waiting for Fusion

I do my best to not take things for granted. Or put another way, I try to remember as much as possible to be grateful for what I have. Everything in life is lose-able. That said, every time I walked into the bathroom for the three days I was without power due to the storm I flicked on the light switch. EVERY TIME. It's a little bit of jolt to suddenly realize just how much you've been taking something for granted. But in all honesty who has the time (or memory) to think "thank you for electricity!" every time they turn on a light? Still, I can't help but think it can't hurt (karmically) to think it every once in a while and not just when you're suddenly without it.

I'm starting to wonder if it's like that with love for some people. Those who fall in love so easily they don't even know they're doing it. Sure they're heartbroken when they're suddenly without it, but do they ever appreciate how wonderful it is that they can fall so easily?

I think I've mentioned before how my parents met and fell in love at first sight. Literally. My mother was engaged to another man and when she saw my father she slipped the ring off in her pocket. She just knew. And my father, the devout Catholic he is, said but they're not married yet! when he discovered she was engaged. My gentle, soft-spoken, back down from every fight father. He knew. They have their issues but they are still married 47 years later. Perhaps love created it, perhaps life created it but my mother's completely contradictive independent co-dependence on my father and my father's oblivious co-dependence on my mother would absolutely have one lost without the other. Once I heard the story as a teenager and became truly aware of the life they created together I always assumed it would happen to me too. Despite all my hang ups and stepping back from men and dating, I still thought when I see him I will just know. It always bothered me when people said it doesn't work that way. Love grows. I always thought not for me. I'm going to get the fairytale.

I have harbored that feeling all of my adult life. And then a few weeks ago I met Fusion. It suddenly occurred to me that I'm not actually capable of love at first sight or even sparks upon first meeting. I closed down so much of the openness most people have when they meet someone new that any chance of something spontaneous happening is close to nil (but maybe not impossible?). My emotional self won't let it happen. I believe my emotional self could even dampen chemistry, even though it has way less control over me than it used to. In all honesty though the dream of following in my parents footsteps is most likely just that, a dream. It used to be unimaginable to me that I wouldn't know my future husband the second I met him. I look back (you know, to last month) at that headstrong naive girl and I'm amazed how so completely I refused to believe love could grow. Now I realize it's the only way it will happen for me. He will have to be my friend first, someone I trust and feel safe with after getting to know. I'm starting to believe those fireworks happen when love happens, no matter how long you've know a person. So maybe the whole cake and getting to eat it thing will happen for me after all.

I want to learn more about him. His likes and dislikes, how he interacts with other people, what makes him smile. I suppose ultimately I want to know if he's interested in learning those things about me too. I've been in too many one-sided friendships so I'm a big proponent of the two way street. We seem to be on the level about a lot of things so hopefully it runs deeper as well.

Meeting up with Fusion has been all but impossible since the storm. The closing of public transportation and bridges and tunnels has put everything on hold and my patience is wearing thin. Do I rely on public transportation or do I take it for granted? Luckily we both made it through relatively unscathed. He more so than me, I don't think he even lost power. Some of my friends are still without power but thankfully that's the worst of it. The Jersey shore was a huge part of my childhood and though I haven't been back in a while I already miss it. It was somewhere I wanted to bring my children if I have them and though I'm sure I will be able to in the future, it won't be the same.

But I digress. We have now postponed dinner twice, and I'm already sure we will have to again. We are supposed to get a Nor'easter on Wednesday, our next scheduled date. Normally it wouldn't be a big deal but because of the storm public transportation recovery could be put on hold. Occasionally I think is this a sign? (Mars is in retrograde!) but then I answer don't be stupid it's just bad luck. We all know how long it's been since I've not only met a guy, but one worth pursuing, so thankfully rational thought is winning.

He's still texting asking if we're on so I guess it's a good sign he thinks I'm worth pursuing too.