A Prayer For Queen Vee

*Warning. Conservative devout followers of any religion might find the following offensive. So don't read it if you are. No one is holding your eyeballs.*

I haven't really had a conversation with anyone about God in long time. Not in terms of religion or child rearing or of politics like 'what are those God-fearing republicans doing to ruin my life as an independent single woman' conversations, but in terms of existence. Though lately, it's one I've been having with myself. A lot.

A few years ago, the last God conversation I can remember having actually, I found out my best friend didn't believe in God but followed almost every tradition in her religion (or is it culture?) to the T. (I still have trouble understanding that, though it does kind of make me a hypocrite...I need to ask her again.) I tried to form my own opinion about it and came up with my own need to believe in God, not in the traditional sense, but in some kind of higher power. I thought, something has to be responsible for all this...all this existence. Life is too beautiful despite the ugly to think otherwise. I needed to believe something was hearing me. But all the while I also believed somewhere in my consciousness that God was the collective belief of humans to find meaning in life and to give it rules to follow.

I don't need the threat or reward of a promised afterlife to live my life well. (Well is of course a relative term, but you know what I mean.) Logic based in religion makes no sense to me...I'm not going to murder, steal from, cheat or hurt anyone because I might end up in some kind of Dante's Inferno? How about I won't do these things because they are bad and I wouldn't want them done to me? Why is there no inherent value in people's behavior? Can't say I've never done wrong but how can taking the lord's name in vain and killing someone land me in the same place? Better yet, both be absolved with a simple confession and a few Hail Marys? I've been a goody goody my whole life, aside from the cursing, a few hurt feelings and a lot of inner snarky thoughts, but if I don't ask forgiveness will I not get into heaven? Will not believing get me a free pass to hell? But isn't God supposed to be forgiving?

I suppose it's time for me to admit that I've lost my faith. Any lapsed Roman Catholic due to a disagreement with the Church can probably relate. I have come to consider myself an Agnostic, but I feel like a cheater. I can't commit fully to either belief. I've never even come close to saying out loud that I don't believe in God...my father would be crushed. One of the few things he has ever asked of me was to attend Church, which I did dutifully until I became an adult and could not stand to go. He has never told me how sad it makes him that none of his children attend services but I know he is disappointed. The last time we touched on the subject I made him understand that I did not agree with the Church but I did believe in God, praying every night for things like the safety of my family, the health of my sick aunt and a job promotion. At the time I did.

It breaks my heart to break his so I will never tell him that my faith has changed. I still pray to God every night, but I don't know why. Habit maybe. I want to believe so badly that there is something up there watching over, but I know it's ridiculous to think that of the billions of people on this earth, my prayers for a new job or a man to hold my heart are the ones that are not only going to be heard, but granted as I ask for them. Especially if I'm just thinking them. But then again, maybe I'm limiting my image of God. Maybe Almighty means hearing billions and billions of voiced and internal prayers for both selfish and selfless things. I don’t know. I just have a hard time believing there's someone/thing at the controls now. Maybe there was at the very beginning, but not anymore.

The more history I learn the more I realize how politically charged religion is and always has been, and how those in power manipulate the rules to keep those who toil in line. How can you believe killing in God's name is something God would want? I know there are those who do because it's what they've been taught, but I also know there are others who know it's simply an ideal strong enough to limit human free will. From the Crusades to modern times. This is why it makes sense to me that God is man made...it is a tool one can use to manipulate another to further his own desires. Even the purest idea of God as simply the creator of all things favors man above all else.

Maybe the big bang is God and we are all praying to a scientific event that has no human-type ability to think or free will to control the elements it made. Or maybe evolution is something God set up to watch as a movie. Time moves differently for the omnipotent.

All this to say I don't know. The days I believe in something greater are becoming less I think, but as a result it makes me want to live my life better, sooner. At least in theory. This is all I know I have. I'm not saying anyone should change their beliefs; everyone has to do what they have to in order to survive this reality. I'm just saying don't rely on an afterlife for fulfillment ( or punishment.) I do believe in Karma though the passing of it to different lifetimes is questionable. Maybe that is a silly belief of mine. Like a cloudy bed or seven subservient virgins after death. But like you to yours me to mine. And I'll probably never stop praying. Whether I'm being heard or not, oddly enough I think it helps reminds me of the limitless as well as the limitations of my life.

So Queen, take your own damn advice and get out there. Stop praying about it and actually open your heart fer godssakes. Because if God's watching she's only shaking her head at how boring you are.