Meanie Virgeenie

I have never intentionally been mean to anyone (with the exception of E and A when I was a pre-teen and crumbled under peer pressure) at least I like to think so. At the very least, I try not to be mean. The pointed, I'm-doing-this-to-hurt-you mean, I mean. I would never recover from the guilt. I lose sleep replaying something I've said over in my head if I think I may have possibly, maybe, slightly hurt someone. It kind of sucks.

I'm not saying I'm Nicey McNicerson all the time, far from it. If thought bubbles were an actuality people would probably spit at me as I walked by...course their thought bubbles would be visible too so they shouldn't be throwing stones. But anyway when and if I do do something mean it's most likely unrealized and by accident.

Case in point: I went to a work party recently and my now ex-boss showed up. I had already had 2 drinks by the time I saw her so my mind was already wandering. You know how people gather around into small circles to shout at each other over the music at those things? Well, she was in a circle that consisted of me, someone we had both just met, someone else's back who was part of another circle and me. It didn't hit me until after the party that I didn't even make an effort to speak to her. Although, this also means she didn't make an effort either, I felt kind of bad for not really acknowledging her. I don't know why really because I don't like her. Why should I feel bad for not chatting up someone I dislike and felt mistreated by when I worked for her?

It's also not the first time I've done that...to her. (I'm coming to the realization that avoidance can equal being mean given the right circumstance.) At other work functions I did my best to avoid her and I'm pretty sure she always attributed it to the fact that she was my boss. (I'm not a big fan of small talk in general, but to have to do it with someone I hated at the time? See I'm growing! Hate has diminished into dislike. It's all about time.) My co-workers also did some avoiding, but not to the degree I did. At any rate, I think she may now finally realize that it wasn't because she was my boss. See, even now it makes me feel bad to think she finally knows that I don't like her because it might hurt her feelings. Why do I care about her feelings? After all the shit she pulled?

I don't think she's a bad person. I just don't like her. And it took a long time for me to admit that. I've probably said this before so forgive me if I'm repeating myself...but there aren't that many people who I take an active disliking to- I mean, yes there are a lot of people I probably don't like but I don't think about them enough for it to consume any energy. And once she passes out of my consciousness it won't be an active dislike anymore either, but she'll never regain any kind of footing in my eyes. Man, she just rubs me the wrong way.

But then I found out something that made me feel even worse for a little while, until I realized it didn't change the way I felt about her. Apparently she had some marital problems and just got a divorce. She was married for less than three years. It explains a little about her work ethic and her general attitude over the past few months but I'm not going to forgive her treatment of her workers just because of it. I am wiling to give people a lot of rope, god knows I need it at times, but I just can't with her. Maybe because her ridiculousness with me began way before any of her general bad attitudes began. I don't know. I just don't need to be around someone who makes me feel mean for not liking her. You know?

Backtracking...new boss has the potential to mean less crappy time at work, no? No. Not when new boss doesn't have the right experience and gives me a hard time about taking vacation days. In her defense, she's new and doesn't want to make waves, and she didn't really give me that hard a time but she questioned me when she didn't need to, mostly because she read the email wrong. Because I had to deal with that on a daily basis with the old boss, it does not bode well for new boss to start with that. And not that I'm some old timer that knows the HR handbook backward and forward, but I've been there long enough to deserve certain allowances. I've been screwed out of a lot of things at this company, I will not allow vacation time to be one of them.

I also heard that good things were being said about me among the top layer and while that is a great thing that I am excited about, I will not allow my hopes to raise because someone has to quit or die for me to be promoted. And even if that does happen, they'd probably put me through the ringer and then hire someone else anyway. That's the way it works.

So in conclusion, old boss out, new boss gathering strikes, I'm finally getting a little recognition for my work but I'm not holding my breath for an actual reward and um....Oh...I guess I can be unintentionally mean if I don't like you.

Virgins can be mean, who knew?