NSA

I watched her write it in my chart wearing an expression I'm sure read that hurts. Not Sexually Active. There is nothing derogatory or even slightly negative about it, it's just a medical fact simply stated. But man it still stings to see someone else put it out there, even if she is a doctor who has most likely written that in other women's charts without judgement. At least I hope.

My annual this year hurt like hell. I'm not sure why it seems to be more painful as I get older...maybe it's because physical pain is easily forgotten. At any rate, I tried to tell her I didn't need a pap this year as I am still clearly NSA but she said it had been three years and blah blah blah. I didn't fight it. Though if I had known I'd be walking around with what felt like an internal paper cut I would have.

Every once in a while I check out site meter and find out what leads people to my blog. And still, three years later, it's this post. After reading all the comments I have certainly had to re-evaluate all I've been told and consequently what I believe about my own health. It was a surprise to discover patriarchy has his dirty hands in what has clearly become a profitable industry: women's health. A US Government Health Panel has decided against an annual

"...blood test to screen for prostate cancer because the test does not save lives over all and often leads to more tests and treatments that needlessly cause pain..."

but yet Pap Smears, which often produce false negatives, aren't necessary for all women all the time and are also a source of needless anxiety, are "being performed against guidelines" and add to health care costs as well.

(2007 CDC statistics)

http://www.cdc.gov/cancer/cervical/statistics/index.htm

• 12,280 women in the United States were diagnosed with cervical cancer.
• 4,021 women in the United States died from cervical cancer

http://www.cdc.gov/cancer/prostate/statistics/

• 223,307 men in the United States were diagnosed with prostate cancer.
• 29,093 men in the United States died from prostate cancer

It never occurred to me that something was being forced on me that I didn't need. I knew I had to have one in order to get on the pill and I blindly accepted it as a part of keeping myself healthy. I should have known better. I am a big fan of educating yourself to protect yourself from circumstances such as these, but I'm also aware not everyone has access to education. Hell, I consider myself pretty intelligent but here I sit not knowing I'm being forced to do something I don't want or even necessarily need. How do you know when standard practices are wrong? It also (being wrapped up in my own American life) never occurred to me that women the world over are dealing with unwanted but required tests in an even uglier way.

I can't help but think someone has to be profiting from this otherwise it wouldn't be happening. The medical industry is just another notch in big corporate greed's belt. Or elsewhere in the world just another way to keep women in their place, scared and at someone else's behest.

Your sexual health, whether you are active or not, is an extremely important part of life. I'm just no longer sure who to trust to maintain my health. I'll still go to the doctor but I just won't believe every last thing I hear without looking it up for myself. Maybe it's not too late to go to medical school.

Strike Two

I asked another guy out, who by the way indicated on my profile of a certain dating site that he was interested in me FIRST, and he never responded.

Seriously?

Can I just get a date?

I know it may sound like I'm coming on strong but I swear I'm not. Aggressive is the last thing I know how to be so I don't get it.

I also realize that now that I'm finally ready both intellectually and emotionally to date doesn't mean it's going to happen this instant. But I mean, come on! Both of the guys I asked sent me either a subtle or a literal message they were interested, or at least liked me in some way.

I know I know. Patience grasshopper. I've got to be honest, it's not my strong suit. Lately I pretty much want to ask every guy I think is cute on the street if he wants to go for coffee.

Now that's a little desperate with a touch of aggressive. Especially considering I don't even drink coffee.

Mission: Turning New Leaf Accomplished

I asked a guy out today.

He said no, but in the sweetest way possible.

He's a nice boy.

I still like him.

I received an email from an ex-co-worker yesterday. We didn't really know each other that well and only worked directly together maybe once, but he sent an email to see how my new job was going. I always thought he was cute and despite not being together that often I sort of got the feeling he liked me. I never responded because a) we worked together and b) he's so young! At least 10 years my junior.

Anyway, the fact that he sent an email out of the blue made me think maybe he was interested in getting together, so I replied with an ask. Paraphrased it went like this: "at the risk of sounding dumb, I've always thought you were cute and now that we don't work together why don't we go out?"

He replied with an answer full of compliments that made me smile. Paraphrased it went like this: "I've always thought you were cute too, but I've actually just started seeing someone and want to see where it goes. But I want you to know that I would totally go out with you otherwise."

Sigh. I know I just started but can I please just get the timing right?

Yellow Equals Cute and Taken, Apparently

Scene: Queen Vee stops at the organic market (yes I'm one of those people. I've seen one too many documentaries on the way our food is prepared and am freaked out enough to bleed more money for the ancient way of growing food. Naturally.) on her way home from work. She waits at the deli counter for her half pound of honey turkey as a male walks up. She instantly turns 13.

QV: oooo he's cute! he's tall! i love his yellow t-shirt, how cute! he's cute! i should say something! say something! ooo he has a nice body too.
(looks away, a little surprised that she actually noticed his body)
Second Deli Counter Guy: Next?
(cute guy doesn't move)
QV: wait, is he cute or am i telling myself that because i really, REALLY want to go on a date already?
(steals another glance)
Second Deli Counter Guy: Next?
(cute guy still doesn't move)
QV: no he's cute. say something! say something dammit! eerrrr what if he's married. does he have a ring?
(tries inconspicuously to look at his hand)
QV: no ring. but what about a girlfriend? well the only way to find out is to SAY SOMETHING. he probably has one. he's wearing a yellow shirt AND he's cute.
Second Deli Counter Guy: Next?
(cute guy yet still doesn't move)
QV: (raises her hand and sort of points at the deli guy) um...do you...?
Cute Guy: I'm still thinking.
QV: oh ok. ok now say something else. SAY SOMETHING ELSE.
First Deli Counter Guy: here you go!
QV: thank you! (smiles broadly making sure to look at cute guy still wearing the smile as she turns around)

Queen Vee heads over to produce, defeated.

QV: well, at least you smiled. that's a first.

Fin.

Let Go, Robot, Let Go

May, June, July, August...It's amazing how everything and nothing can change and stand still at what feels like exactly the same time. In the last four months my life has turned absolutely upside down, and yet right now, at this moment, I'm in exactly the same place I was a year ago before I had the meltdown and sought therapy. Well, with the exception that I am now well-adjusted and not floating in a sea of depression. So there's that.

In short, I traveled to Asia for two weeks, I bought a car, I quit my job because I found a better one, I terminated therapy, I will soon terminate the medication and I adopted two shelter pets. Out of all of that, I can't believe I didn't adopt my fur balls sooner. I wanted them but kept telling myself I couldn't handle it, the catastrophist that I am, so I lived without. Having animals greet me when I get home is the absolute greatest feeling. Being able to love something that loves you back unconditionally is doubly amazing...and before you start shaking your head I am not replacing romantic love with pet love, I'm just saying it's really nice to have a little daily love even if it comes in a little furry package.

My life is pretty amazing. I'm so grateful for all that I have, all that I've been able to work to achieve, and all I've become in my 33 years of life but I'm still clueless as to how I've not crossed paths with someone I'm attracted to and want to spend time with yet. After a year of therapy I've come to recognize a lot of patterns, protections and defense mechanisms that have lead me to this point in my emotional life, but it still doesn't explain everything. My therapist did not want me to stop but I'd had enough. It was way more stressful to go than it should have been and I needed a break. I needed to feel normal to some extent again.

I'm not saying I'll never go back because I am now aware of not only how much I needed it but also how much it helped me. However from this point on right now I need to take the next steps (to finding and getting into a relationship) on my own. I don't think she appreciated me feeling like therapy was a crutch, or rather a symbol that I was handicapping myself before I'd even started, but she understood it was holding me back from actually seeking a relationship. A glaring reason to not stop therapy I suppose but what could she do? No means no. It is one of my flaws that I need to experience my emotions privately, but it was one of my life lessons to discover that I need to share them afterwards.

So me having uninviting body language and shying away from social interactions aside, I've been told by friends and friends of friends after the fact that someone was interested in me. My newly encouraging mother says men are afraid of smart, pretty, successful women. So the fact that I'm smart and on the quiet side while socializing makes me a target not worth pursuing? Uh. I need a guy who sees that and takes a stab instead of pretending like I don't exist because I seem unattainable. Even if that was true in the past (being unattainable) maybe I would have more confidence if guys had more confidence and approached me. As much as that twists my feminist panties in a bunch to admit, it's nice to get the attention and it's only natural that it would boost my ego. Sometimes I need that. There I said it.

I try not to live my life regretting things, but every once in a while I wonder where I'd be today if I had kept the open heart I once had as a young girl. If I had some how made it through with even one less heartache so it hadn't slammed shut as hard as it did and for so long. But then I guess if I had maybe I wouldn't be as strong or as successful as I am. Who knows. I used to be a big proponent of 'things happen for a reason'. Now I believe things just happen. Sometimes you make them happen, sometimes they happen on their own. Control is an illusion, though it doesn't stop me from thinking I can have it. It's hard to approach finding someone to be with from both of these perspectives (making it happen and happening on its own) because I tend to lean to one side, depending on the day. My next step is to stop analyzing it so much and just let it go.

Let it go.

The theme of my life apparently. It took me 10 years to let go the pain I felt from one broken friendship, which is terrifying in terms of getting into a romantic relationship where love is supposed to be a truly binding connection. But my eyes are so much wider now and I can see so much more...and I've even come to accept that pain is part of it, it just doesn't have to be all consuming. I know I'll need help with that one if and when the time comes but at the very least I know that now. I don't have to lose another 10 years trying to suppress it while convincing myself I'm happy with all I have. It was a valiant effort but I only failed myself. Yet another type of pain to let go.

I do still believe that life is what you make it- and so I am happy with all I have I just know it's ok to want more...even if it contradicts everything I think. Not everything has to be rational. It's called being human. I think for a while there I was attempting to be a robot. It was just easier. So I've really tried to change my outer vibe- I'm smiling more and chatting more and just trying to invite the good in. I found another dating website that actually has potential and I'm trying to be more social in order to meet more people. So far it's a nice change. I haven't met anyone (or gone a date) yet, but I'm way closer than I've ever been before. Baby steps.

Note To Self

Dear Emotional self:

Why are you so far behind the rest of us? Why are you anchored to 2001? Financial self has grown tremendously! She refinanced her mortgage by herself and is taking steps to understand how to invest her money. Physical self is getting a little bit of an ego now that she has committed to yoga and can actually see tone in her arms and belly. And intellectual self, yours truly, has finally come to terms with her achievements and failures and her view of the future. She has finally admitted that finding someone to share her life with is not only important, but something she actually desires. Now that her priorities have changed, things are supposed to start falling in place. The only thing holding it all up is you emotional self. Yes you. With all your abstract fears and irrationalities you are weighing us down and making it very hard to take even the smallest step forward. Now I admit, I am not without fault here, I did manage to repress you for a good ten years, but now's your chance! You're free! Let it out! Catch the hell up to the rest of us before sexual self starts making noise and wakes self loathing self. Because no one wants that. She's such a bitch. So please emotional self, I implore you. Forgive me and let go of what happened. You are stronger now, it could never happen again. Start on a new track. Life is waiting for us.

Love,
Intellectual self

Crisis Completion, Next Mission

My whole existence has been fueled by an internal war. So many of my desires are completely contradicted by my behavior, and most of the while I've been aware of it. It's like I'm looking at myself under an enormous magnifying glass but my arms are strapped down and I've lost my voice. It's incredibly frustrating to feel paralyzed when you know your limbs work perfectly well.

What I've learned through this 'crisis' as my therapist calls it, is that there are repeating themes in my life stemming from the same behaviors. To name a few: I don't want to rely on or accept anyone's help because of the fierce independence I'm not even sure how I came to possess. I don't trust people because I'm afraid of what they will eventually want to take from me. That stems from knowing that I put others before myself even if it's to my own detriment and from experiencing painful friendships where I was taken advantage of for precisely that. I have a hard time standing up for myself because I don't want anyone to feel angry or bad or what have you. I think this also stems from putting other's feelings/needs ahead of my own. I run from confrontation because I don't want to get emotional. It goes on.

I thought I had been to the bottom of my emotional barrel and back but it turns out there's a whole other barrel I didn't even see.

I tried to end therapy. Again. I've been feeling really good lately and the sessions were becoming a source of anxiety. It felt like I was just chatting about my week and repeating myself about the whole dating thing. I wanted to stop them so I could enjoy the bit of happiness I've reclaimed. She said that if my goal was to get through the 'crisis' then yes, it has been reached. But there is still an underlying interpersonal issue that hasn't quite come to light yet that will surely come back at another point. She actually said, "don't you want to take care of this while you're still young?" I laughed. I don't feel young. Then again, I often feel like I'm 16 so I guess it's really irrelevant.

I don't feel like I can 'get out there' and meet people while I'm in therapy, because I don't want to talk about it and know that I will have to. I'm so sick of talking about myself and my feelings, I just want to clam up and enjoy my solitude again. I also feel the need to process things by myself. Sharing something new doesn't sit well with me. (E.g., I didn't tell anyone about Red until I'd known him a few weeks.) But I know this is exactly the same state I was in before I became dysthymic, and I would definitely end up there again if I didn't force myself to change my behavior and actively look for someone. So I am at a total standstill. I want to stop therapy to meet someone but I should stay in order to figure it out while with someone. I'm at a point now where I despise myself for all of this, but I know I have to do something different than I was before. Therapy is different. I guess. The part of me that wants to end it also believes that I am totally capable of getting into a relationship without any help. But there's a little voice that squeaks, "what if I'm not?" I hate that voice but for now I guess I'm going to keep going.

Ah Catch 22, how you stab at my heart.

So ok guys. Queen Vee is going to try to meet you. Just as soon as I return from a two week vacation halfway across the world. (And a much needed break from therapy.)

Promise.

And Scene.

All that optimism from a few days ago?
Half it.
That's about where I am today.
Due to insurance issues I had to take a break from therapy. A few days ago was my first time back in about a month. I was all ready to walk in there and talk about how good I felt and maybe end therapy while continuing the medication until summer. Instead she made me realize that just because I felt better in one respect doesn't mean I had it all figured out. I sort of knew that, but I thought I was more on the way to being able to handle it.
Guess not.
Tears yet again for reasons I could not place, aside from disappointment and the realization that I'm still putting myself under so much pressure one unexpected thing happens and I break.
Sigh.

Phase 5

What is it about time that allows it to speed by sometimes and drag on others? Different cultures perceive time in different ways, but the ones without time fascinate me. Like the Hopi. There is no past or future verb tenses. The closest they come is sooner and later. Imagine what life would be like without the constant cultural pressure to prepare for the future and remember the past because it makes you who you are. In some ways it sounds amazing. It would be so much easier to focus on what's happening now, living life as it happens, rather than suffering the past or worrying over the future. In other ways it seems sad, because memories are a big part of who we are and who hasn't dreamed about something fantastical happening to them in the future?

Time for me feels like it should be measured in phases:
0-6 phase 1: generally, oblivious bliss.
7-13 phase 2: learning the real differences between girls and boys and what's happening to my body?
14-17 phase 3: (for many) testing the boy/girl waters and figuring out who you are.
18-27 phase 4: thinking you know who you are, getting shredded and having to start over.
28-35 phase 5: realizing control is an illusion, a coping device for the human condition, and figuring out what to do next.
etc...

So by definition then I would be 5. That sounds about right. I've reached a point in my life where everything I used to think I would do when I grew up, I should have done by now. It is my experience that the two have not coincided. What I thought I'd be doing and what I am actually doing aren't the same. And for a good while there, it terrified me. It angered me. It depressed, confused and shattered me. And as you already know it sent me down a path of isolation, self-deprivation and sadness to a place where nothing seemed to make sense. Fortunately I finally recognized just how lost I felt and found another path to try to get me back.

To back up my age 5 theory, 3 of my friends in the past few months have told me how full of rage and often sadness they feel. Despite the 4 of us leading very different lives, I think they're experiencing the same thing. There's just a point where no matter how good or bad your life is going, unconsciously you realize it isn't what you had in mind and all you are left with is an acute discontentment you cannot place. Life is harder than that and even harder to accept that you didn't live it how you wanted to, or rather, it didn't turn out how you expected. It just sort of...happened. You end up feeling crazy because your emotions flick back and forth to the extremes and you don't know why. I know I sound like a ridiculous new ager, but it really is about accepting what you cannot control.

And that has been the biggest lesson I've learned. Just to make it clear, I've always known that I've needed to accept what I can't control, but a lot of people don't realize that no matter how your intellect sees it, your emotional self needs to see it too. Being that my intellectual and emotional selves have been separated for so long, it's no wonder why I couldn't actually feel the acceptance.

It has taken five months of therapy (and a little medication I will admit) to bring my two selves back together. That's not to say they're happily remarried and living in the country, it's just a start. I feel like my heart has finally caught up to my head in certain important respects which is what I guess I've been unconsciously fighting this whole time. I don't believe that it will never happen again, but I'm more aware now of how my mind works and that I do need to give myself time to accept things, trust things and believe in things again. I still have fears and other annoying insecurities which I still need to work through, and frankly I don't know if they will ever be resolved by my own doing, but I finally feel like I'm at least headed in the right direction. It's a relief.

Haven't ended therapy yet but I am considering it. I will try to write more about other things I worked through in sessions if you are interested. But as per usual with me it will take some time. Because we all know there's never enough of it!
Hope you are all doing well.
Maybe phase 6 will finally reconcile who/where I am with who/where I want to be. Time's a'wastin'!