End of Chapter: So Close

Well, third time's a charm I guess. I found another buyer and it looks like this sale will actually go through. However, this buyer is crazy too and because of the prolonged process at the beginning of the sale, I lost the most perfect rental apartment by hours. I was so angry I couldn't see straight when it happened, mostly because I was feeling sorry for myself and harping on why it feels like nothing can ever go smoothly for me. But also because why does everyone have to be an asshole all the time?

Anyway, school is keeping me pretty occupied but this sale sent my stress level through the roof. Oddly now that the worst has happened and I don't have a place to move but I have a date I have to be out, I'm less stressed. Strange how that happens. Looking forward to the change, holding out hope I will meet some new people, still struggling with the is it fate/am I trying hard enough theory and just trying to be ok with the way my life is going.

Maybe I should move to Japan. Then maybe at least the stigma of being a virgin would subside. But of course I do want to have sex and get married and am not obsessed with my digital life so maybe not. Sigh.

Things

I have a new friend at work. She started around February and for whatever reason I trusted her enough to tell her about my life. I'm not sure how high the wall is that I have up but she's the first person in a long time I've bothered to open up to at all. She does not know I still hold the V-card but for some reason there's a part of me that wants to tell her. I know she won't believe me at first but after I explain why she'll get it. I dunno. I probably won't. Maybe it's just nice to have someone new to talk to about life stuff- she's reciprocated with things about her life, most recently being sex. Yay. My favorite subject.

She has this guy she calls her booty call. It is not something she does often (and in actuality has only done a couple times) but she admitted to being a little lonely lately and wanted sex. So she went ahead and did it. I have to admire that. All in all though she's having the same problem I am: finding a guy she connects with. The difference is she goes out on dates, has had boyfriends and also sex. Feels like worlds apart with the same outcome. I could do the whole physical appearance/personality comparison but it's a waste of time. We are all well aware none of it matters in that way.

I haven't been able to move yet because the sale of my apartment fell through. My buyer strung me along for the prime summer months when people are looking and then couldn't come up with the finances. I'm so irritated because I was told different things by her lawyer and her realtor but always that she had the money and she was so close to getting the mortgage. In the mean time I look like an ass for giving her extension after extension. I finally just killed it. Square one.

Now for some reason my heart is impatiently screaming at me that I'm going to meet someone where I'm going and I just prolonged the process. My head knows I am absolutely setting myself up for disappointment but I can't help but hold on to that little bit of optimism.

School started and I am LOVING it. It feels really great to have the gears grinding again, my brain forced to focus on cognitive readings longer than a 100 word news blurb.  But still I haven't met anyone. I forced myself to attend a bunch of orientations and meet and greets and in the end always found myself in conversation with a group of females. I can't win. 

12 Years? I'm Supposed to Be Amazed?

What? How...what? seriously? I can't even form a coherent thought about this article..

First of all, I had no idea American and French women were in competition. Of any kind let alone sexually.

Second of all, ...what? how? what? seriously? Everything about this 'memoir' makes me want to pull my hair out.

Life & The Introvert

I'm feeling a little hermetic today, probably partly because it's a big American holiday and I should be feeling the exact opposite. I was invited to two different parties but my stress level has been climbing over the past few weeks and it makes me want to hide my head in the sand. Stress + Expected Social Behavior = Hermit

I recently read that book "Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking" if you've heard of it. While reading the first few pages I felt like the author had somehow gotten a glimpse inside my head, which in any other circumstance would have freaked me out. In this case it was comforting. She was pretty much describing in detail the whole way in which I relate to the outside world. After a few chapters it started to make me see how I could possibly see myself in a different light...or at the very least, stop criticizing myself so much for feeling the way I do. Much of the book was sort of common sense, but she did make me take a second look at the way I process things and that in itself was incredibly worth it.

The first thing that struck me was her separation of the shy introvert from the sensitive introvert. I guess at times I can be a little shy but I wouldn't really consider myself a shy person. It never made total sense to me to call myself an introvert because I equated it with being shy and unable to make friends. Instead I went straight to "I guess i'm just off then. Maybe overly moody. Definitely different." But sensitive? How many times have I said that on this blog alone? She talks about how exhausting it is for introverts to be social and the only way to recharge is to spend quiet time alone. (Conversely it the exact opposite for extroverts which sort of blows my mind.) I always thought there was something weird about the fact that I needed alone time. She goes on to say that it is of course not black and white, no one is totally one or the other. We have traits of both that come into play at various times in our lives, depending on our circumstances and experiences, and there is nothing stopping anyone from becoming (or faking) the one they feel they are not. But ultimately we are born with tendencies toward one and you can see it as soon as a child begins to socialize. 

Despite being somewhat if not totally aware of my introverted tendencies I used to get so angry at myself for not wanting to go to parties. It was this weird sort of self-acceptance while fighting against it at the same time. Admittedly I still scold myself for not being more social which ultimately just leads to getting depressed, but lately I've been able to take a step back and not scold so harshly. (Not sure why I was only able to do that after reading it written by a stranger but not after my best friend told me repeatedly to stop it.) I suppose ultimately it's a gain on the self-acceptance ladder and I have to thank her for that.

I used to think I used to be a happy person. Perhaps I was when I was very small and unaware that the world outside my house existed. But once I was exposed I think the happiness was replaced with concern for others which inevitably lead to being hurt. Not that I was a sad, loner kid, I was actually a pretty happy kid, but over time I think the introversion solidified. Unnoticeably maybe because my mom was always one for 'go play in your room'. She only had to tell me once because I loved playing alone in my room- it's only now when I see my friends' kids that I realize not all kids are like that. Most of them need constant attention and entertainment. I provided that all for myself. My mom kept all my school records and I read through them recently. From 1st to around 5th grade various teachers commented on how I treated the other kids as well as the teachers themselves with care. It shouldn't surprise me I know that in the end my constant awareness of others' feelings became my downfall, but it's fascinating to discover I did not learn that behavior, I was born with it. I'm pretty sure neither of my brothers gave a damn how other people felt at that age and we all grew up in the same house. 

To paraphrase the book, unhappy people see setbacks as something that ruined a good thing while progressive people see them as something that made them stronger. I have experienced both of those ways of thought concerning my friendship with Jean. On the one hand I think, that was such a painful experience I will never be the same. My whole world has darkened and I'm not as nice as I used to be. On the other hand I think, that was such a painful experience I am much stronger for it and it has made me into who I am today. Luckily now I don't focus too much on that part of my past. I still wonder sometimes how I'd be different if I had been stronger with her, or even better had never met her at all, but I can't help feel that because it happened (along with all the other shitty treatment I've received from various people- I can't give her sole credit) I'm way more introverted than I ever was. Then I fight with myself about whether it's ok or unacceptable to be that way.

I've also come to realize that at this point, right now, I'm either overwrought (emotionally) or under-stimulated (intellectually) and I think that's why I'm ALWAYS exhausted. I look forward to the weekend so much because it means I'll have time to do the things I love and I find all I can do is sleep or veg in front of the tv because I'm tired. It takes everything I've got to do laundry or go food shopping and then I just get angry at myself all over again because it's like, well then DO something, stop complaining.

So I currently find myself selling my apartment, moving to a new town, preparing to go to grad school (I was accepted!), deciding on whether to take a staff job doing what I love but at the very same time being bored out of my mind, all of which is taking too long to happen so my brain is literally on fire. Some days it's great and it propels me forward, other days all I want to do is hide in a dark cave. A friend of friend said, "you are remarkably calm! i would be so stressed out." when she found out all I was up to these last few months. I was like, you should see the inside my head. I'm screaming at the top of my lungs and running in circles, it's quite the show. Apparently though I have decent composure, so there's that. 

I was talking with another friend about depression. She said, do you think there will be an end to it when you find someone? She said she used to suffer from depression stemming from poor self-confidence/image and always expected it would go away when she met someone. It has gotten better since she met her partner but of course it has not disappeared. Being with someone pretty much means dealing with your problems plus someone else's problems. 

I am a-ok with that.

I said rationally speaking of course I don't believe my depression will stop when I meet someone (when I sat down and thought about it, it's been happening since I hit puberty so I'm pretty sure it's at least partly in the chemistry) but I can't help feeling like no matter how awful I feel, at least I'll have someone to share in my life. I know what alone feels like. I know what lonely feels like. There's a part of me, probably the overblown romantic part, that whole heartedly believes that just having someone there will make it just a little bit easier. It may be a false belief, I'm not completely naive I know life is just as hard with someone as without, but it's one I need I think to keep going. And anyway, how would this have become famous if not partly true?

I need to find a new apartment as I have accepted an offer on my place. I'm alternately thrilled and terrified. (Seems to be a familiar feeling whenever I try to change anything). I've been out to the new town I want to live in to just drove around a few times, and I started to think I'd convinced myself I loved the place so it would be easier to move. It's as congested and busy as where I am now just with more suburban houses and greenery. Unless I move to farmland in west Jersey it's inescapable. I'm suddenly questioning whether I should move when I know I need to...as if I could make the wrong decision...as if there's a right and wrong here. 

I still incessantly wonder what it would be like to shut off. The only moment of peace I get is that split second before I fall asleep - after falling asleep I'm dreaming or hallucinating (they've started again albeit a very light version at the moment) or waking up because my brain is on fire again thinking about all the what ifs. I'd love to sleep for a week.

I guess I'm writing all this cuz it's easier for me to communicate this way, another trait verified in the book along with over analysis and a rich creative sense. However I've all but stopped writing lately which is bad. Something else in the book is making me think about how to motivate myself back into writing. She says remember what you wanted to be when you were a child, the core of that dream likely remains true.

After a few years of convincing myself I was going to be an acrobat, I realized I wanted to be a writer. Up through the later years of college I held on to that belief. Granted I ultimately found a different creative outlet that I really do enjoy, I still used to write stories in my head constantly. Over the years even that has subsided and it makes me sad. My world view has changed for the darker. Being an adult really sucks sometimes. I used to be so appreciative of the world around me, I just have to find a way to get back to that...and to find humor again beneath all the negativity. If you can believe it I used to be known for having the biggest, loudest laugh. There is nothing I enjoy more than a real life story about something mundane that makes me giggle. I am a big fan of David Sedaris and aspire to one day have a book like his about my own silly adventures. My friends used to love getting emails from me about my random little experiences.

So I find myself repeating my attempt at a positive mantra: I will try. I hope being back in an academic setting will force me to have some discipline. 

Happy fourth. :)

Have I Served My Time?

When does it get easier?

Please tell me at some point it gets easier.

A Literal Fevered Dream

I dreamed I had a fever. There were others who had fevers too, but after awhile theirs started to break. Mine only got worse. There were hospital type beds on the crowded street. It did not seem strange to be lying in one of them. People were either indifferent to me or as in the case of the woman tending to me did not believe me. But my skin was hot and I was exhausted. I kept trying to open my eyes but didn't have the strength to keep them open. I could tell by her body language that she thought I was faking.

My mind was going a mile a minute and I just couldn't take her judging me so I tried to get up to walk home. My legs kept giving out as I balanced along a brick wall, eyes half open and bent at the waist. Eventually I just laid down in the street, not far from the beds. She came over and poured ice all over me, thinking it would make me jump up. I couldn't feel it and only sunk under another wave of exhaustion.

I looked up fever on a bunch of different dream dictionary sites and they all said something different. The only one that seemed to apply was this one from here:

To dream that you are stricken with this malady, signifies that you are worrying over trifling affairs while the best of life is slipping past you, and you should pull yourself into shape and engage in profitable work.

I wouldn't say what I'm worrying about is trifling, but it is certainly distracting me from enjoying my life. I know I've said it a thousand times but I just can't get over being tired. All the time. I suppose maybe it's a symptom of a low grade depression, as my sleep has been on a better cycle as of late, or maybe it's just the result of a relentless inner voice that constantly reminds me of the things I have to do, the things I haven't done and the things I might never get to do.

Far be it from me to focus on what I have done, what I have enjoyed and what I have at present. I wonder yet again if I should go back on medication. I hate even the thought.

Back Under

Loneliness is an anchor. No matter where you try to hide it within, it will always weigh you down. Sometimes, when the timing is right, the tucks and curls of the waves hold you up and while your head is above water you feel the warmth and joy of the sun on your skin and the air in your lungs. But then, like always, the water keeps moving and you find yourself beneath the surface again. I don't know if this is what life is like for anyone else. I imagine as it is a result of being human that everyone experiences something similar to a certain degree, but I really wonder what life is like in someone else's mind. Someone un-selfaware that doesn't question her place in the world or how she's living the gift of life. Someone who never falls prey to the cyclical nature of negative thoughts and dark depressions. Is it a warm bliss? Or an empty oblivion?

I went down to the DC suburbs to explore and decide if it was my next big move. It wasn't. Perhaps it was because it wasn't what I was expecting, perhaps it was because unconsciously I knew leaving my friends wasn't a smart move, but I didn't take to any of the neighborhoods I saw. I was hoping to get that feeling I got the first time I rode into my neighborhood now. This is it. Plain and simple. It might be the only time in my life I've ever been so sure of something so quickly. I guess maybe that's why this has become so complicated for me. I still love my neighborhood but I have to get away from the city. I need to. 

So after yet more sleepless nights I have decided to move out to the suburbs and go back to school for my Masters. Unfortunately for what I want the city is the best place to get it. And I'm still working here. At any rate these decisions made me feel so much better and lighter. Until last night. I began thinking, well what if I still don't meet anyone in the next couple years while I'm working and studying? Then after I finish and am just working again I'll be right back where I started. Sad, lonely and bored just in a different place. I think being bored is actually what prompted school- I love what I do creatively, but the way the industry is going there's not much critical thinking involved. Some work days I spend a lot of time being bored and it's aggravating because I have so many things I could be doing. There's only so much internet my eyes can take and being in an office hinders my other creativities. Or maybe it just feels like I'm always being watched so I am compelled to stick to work even when I don't have any. Boredom just magnifies the loneliness which in turn feeds the sadness. 

I don't know. Some dear readers are so encouraging and have told me that I am brave. It doesn't feel that way. Despite trying to change things and talking a good game, falling prey to my own negative thoughts feels like a giant weakness. I'm just repeating all my years of past posts in saying I was doing so well! And now suddenly I'm not. That's my life in a nutshell. I haven't cried yet but I can feel it coming. I mean, maybe it also has to do with hormones and my cycle which is such a fun part of being female. I wish there was a way to tell the difference. Like, when it's my period a perfect little red dot appears on my stomach. When it's depression it's blue. 

All I know is I don't understand why the path I have tread is a solo one and always has been. Even the the most miserly somehow have someone who loves them and deep down they love in return. I can't reconcile fate and free will in my head, so my belief system just swings back and forth. The only constant is that the answer to "why am I still alone?" makes me sad either way; the universe is withholding or I'm not doing enough. I just can't accept that some people are never meant to find love. Maybe if I did I could find happiness.

'Til I Go

It's either me or this city and I'll never know unless I go.

This is from an email (grammatically and obscenely ridiculous as it is) I wrote a close friend few weeks ago:

"...I've gone from vile mood to vile mood since my birthday. How about a throwback to our days of endless emotional emails? It's been quite a long time since I've written one and im sure you're just dying to know what sort of depressive state im currently in...so here goes.

Im f'ing depressed. Again. Crying uncontrollably at the drop of a hat. Everything rips my heart up. Im so sick of feeling emotionally shitty all the time. Even when im not feeling sad the underlying loneliness is always there. God i hate admitting that. But it's true. The loner is finally admitting not being able to handle her loneliness...

K says i should go back on antidepressants but i do not want to contact the Dr. I know why im depressed. I know im responsible for changing it. Again K says im too hard on myself. That i should learn to accept that im an inherently oversensitive person and stop being angry with myself about it. But how? How do i stop being angry with myself for being irrational and for getting hurt over the dumbest shit? or feeling the littlest things so deeply when i know perfectly well how ridiculous it is?

I started this a few days ago and since have been pretty busy- no time to think or wallow, but something else is also sort of making me feel a little better.

i think i've come to finally admit that it's just time to leave the city...Despite occasionally meeting people who are nice, the years have deeply embedded the notion that everyone here is an asshole. Including me! I've become the person I dislike because I'm around so many assholes who can't respect personal space, not spit on the ground in front of me, hold a door if i am directly behind them, blow smoke from the cigarette directly into my face... i've just stopped being nice altogether. I never thought I'd be bothered by these things but i guess it all adds up after after a while. I just don't think i'm going to meet a guy here anymore. I think i literally have to move somewhere where the people are nicer. 

Does such a place exist? Or...if i move and i'm still angry and depressed all the time i'll really have to admit it's just me. But it's worth a shot maybe? Getting work is really what will hold me back. Well that and facing having to meet people, be social and form a new circle of friends, none of whom i'll ever be as close with as i am with you or K...do i want that? i don't know. all i know is that staying here doesn't seem to be working. I've always had a love/hate with the city, but i'm beginning to realize it's really a love of the city/hate of the people. The culture, arts, music, even all the lights and buildings and sights- i love it. i could wander thru the city every day, if it weren't for the people who make me want to stick a fork in my eye. 

This is so hard to admit because i always had this idea that new york is where i fit, people wise. it was like this mecca to me of people who didn't fit anywhere else so this is where they all came to finally be happy. it sounds so simplistic and juvenile now. i mean i knew it wouldn't be as easy as that, but i thought at least i'd find something. i suppose in a way i have, i wouldn't trade the friends i have now for anything, but i guess like everything you dream about when you're young it's not how i thought it would be. thinking back, i've always felt a little like i didn't belong or was left out of things growing up despite having friends and never being considered unpopular...

i started thinking about people in relationships who expect their partner to be everything for them. I think i might be doing that just in reverse. because i don't have a person, i expect (not consciously) my friends to fill in and it's just not possible. you have to have both otherwise it just leads to pain..."

SO like I said, it's either me or this city and I'll never know unless I go. I had a few more uncontrollable crying sessions thinking about where to go. Unfortunately though my job is perfectly workable from home anywhere, I don't believe companies would hire me unless I was nearby. And for what I do NYC and LA are the only places that need me. LA was an exciting thought- the west coast would be so nice and sunny and a total change of life pace- but ultimately it's just too far. I know I couldn't handle moving my whole life out there by myself. If anything has happened these past few years it's that I've learned my emotional limits. Well...started to anyway. Then I discovered a small pocket in the DC area so that's where I'm currently contemplating making this big life change. I've applied for a job but haven't heard yet.

In the meantime I accepted a freelance job that requires me to go in to the city every day again. On the one hand it's really good because I'm too busy to self-reflect and drive myself crazy with thoughts about my life and what I'm doing or currently not doing with it. On the other hand I'm back to wanting to shoot everyone on the street because they can't take a moment to realize there are OTHER PEOPLE IN EXISTENCE AROUND THEM. Sorry. It's just so aggravating.

So hopefully next time I write it will be with good news. This cycle of depression has got to stop.

The Purity Reign

The annual ridiculousness has come and gone, and as always being the queen of purity everything is good. I say ridiculousness because when you really think about it, how absurd is it to have someone squish your boobs looking for lumps (or grab your scrotum and tell you to cough)?

This time she seemed a lot less rushed and friendlier than usual. When the question arrived, "do you have the same sexual partner as you did last year?" I answered, "no still no partner." Short pause. And then, "show me a good man in this city." She said, "I know! It's hard here."

And then commenced the boob mashing and vagina poking and then it was over.

Sigh. All this so I can get a prescription to take these little pills to regulate my period. Because clearly I don't need it as birth control. Hmmm, train of thought here switching gears...the anxiety medication (highly addictive and can really mess you up if not taken properly) I was taking awhile ago was $12 for 30 pills. My birth control is $85 for 30 pills. Both are generic. I guess I am taking a certain kind that is more expensive for some reason, but in the past I've never paid less than $50 a month and always for generic. 

I find this utterly offensive. If a medication existed to regulate the cycle of semen I bet it would cost 10 cents a pill...or have been made free loooooong ago.

I'm not one of the lucky women who get birth control for free because I have to buy my own insurance and I didn't add on prescription coverage. When I started there was no need. It will be a year in March so I figured I'd call and see how much it is and if it's worth it. They don't tell you (or at least remind you when the time comes) that you can only change your coverage once a year before January. I stupidly assumed it was once a year depending on when you started coverage. I'm so irritated I feel like canceling the insurance altogether. Grrr.