Back Under

Loneliness is an anchor. No matter where you try to hide it within, it will always weigh you down. Sometimes, when the timing is right, the tucks and curls of the waves hold you up and while your head is above water you feel the warmth and joy of the sun on your skin and the air in your lungs. But then, like always, the water keeps moving and you find yourself beneath the surface again. I don't know if this is what life is like for anyone else. I imagine as it is a result of being human that everyone experiences something similar to a certain degree, but I really wonder what life is like in someone else's mind. Someone un-selfaware that doesn't question her place in the world or how she's living the gift of life. Someone who never falls prey to the cyclical nature of negative thoughts and dark depressions. Is it a warm bliss? Or an empty oblivion?

I went down to the DC suburbs to explore and decide if it was my next big move. It wasn't. Perhaps it was because it wasn't what I was expecting, perhaps it was because unconsciously I knew leaving my friends wasn't a smart move, but I didn't take to any of the neighborhoods I saw. I was hoping to get that feeling I got the first time I rode into my neighborhood now. This is it. Plain and simple. It might be the only time in my life I've ever been so sure of something so quickly. I guess maybe that's why this has become so complicated for me. I still love my neighborhood but I have to get away from the city. I need to. 

So after yet more sleepless nights I have decided to move out to the suburbs and go back to school for my Masters. Unfortunately for what I want the city is the best place to get it. And I'm still working here. At any rate these decisions made me feel so much better and lighter. Until last night. I began thinking, well what if I still don't meet anyone in the next couple years while I'm working and studying? Then after I finish and am just working again I'll be right back where I started. Sad, lonely and bored just in a different place. I think being bored is actually what prompted school- I love what I do creatively, but the way the industry is going there's not much critical thinking involved. Some work days I spend a lot of time being bored and it's aggravating because I have so many things I could be doing. There's only so much internet my eyes can take and being in an office hinders my other creativities. Or maybe it just feels like I'm always being watched so I am compelled to stick to work even when I don't have any. Boredom just magnifies the loneliness which in turn feeds the sadness. 

I don't know. Some dear readers are so encouraging and have told me that I am brave. It doesn't feel that way. Despite trying to change things and talking a good game, falling prey to my own negative thoughts feels like a giant weakness. I'm just repeating all my years of past posts in saying I was doing so well! And now suddenly I'm not. That's my life in a nutshell. I haven't cried yet but I can feel it coming. I mean, maybe it also has to do with hormones and my cycle which is such a fun part of being female. I wish there was a way to tell the difference. Like, when it's my period a perfect little red dot appears on my stomach. When it's depression it's blue. 

All I know is I don't understand why the path I have tread is a solo one and always has been. Even the the most miserly somehow have someone who loves them and deep down they love in return. I can't reconcile fate and free will in my head, so my belief system just swings back and forth. The only constant is that the answer to "why am I still alone?" makes me sad either way; the universe is withholding or I'm not doing enough. I just can't accept that some people are never meant to find love. Maybe if I did I could find happiness.