Same Wavelength

I got another text from Fusion the night of the 'let's touch base' text which asked, on second thought what are you doing this weekend? Whomp. I wasn't sure what to say because I was still figuring out what I wanted to do so I just said I was busy with after holiday stuff. He said ok next week then.

By Saturday night I had written out and revised a text thirty times before sending it. It basically said I've been anxiously thinking about this and wanted to be be honest, I think we're lacking chemistry and I hope it's ok if we are friends.

His response? I feel 100% the same way.

I was right! I read him as well as myself and our interactions right. I suppose because of what I've been through and how I'm wired emotionally, I'm always doubting my feelings which only adds to the anxiety. So it was really great to find out I was on the right track and that he was totally cool about it. He even asked why I was so anxious because we'd only gone out a few times. It was a great reminder that other people do not think the way I do and don't feel like everything that happens to them is momentous, or at the very least don't always feel it at a vibrating 10 instead of a normal 3 or 4. 

He was actually really great and said he thought I was pretty and nice and decided to keep trying because he sort of wanted the chemistry to be there. In the end though it was a relief because he thought I really liked him. Guess he wasn't as good at reading me. 

At any rate, it was a positive experience all the way around even though it didn't work out and I feel a lot better about things.

That's not to say I've successfully kept the looming clouds at bay...they've obviously been encroaching and I've been up and down these past few weeks, but I haven't completely fallen off the edge. Baby steps. I still have to contend with my birthday. 

Up Next: Still Crazy

I just want to stop caring. About everything.

Just when I thought I'd finally grown a few layers of skin over this exposed nerve...

Aside from the concrete skies of deep winter, Thanksgiving is the hardest time of year for me. Everyone complains about having to spend time with extended family- my complaint is the exact opposite. I actually don't remember ever having a traditional Thanksgiving with family. I might have when I was a child, but from age 12 on my parents took a Caribbean vacation every third week of November. (I have since learned that Thanksgiving was my mother's most hated time of year. Surprise.) Not that I'm complaining about that, when I did spend the holidays with them there it was amazing, if not sometimes hard to find a turkey dinner. But as an adult I appreciate much more the event of spending time with family than anything else, and every year unless I am able to take the vacation with them (which as happened twice since 1994), I go without. And my brother is just too damn far away.

I am incredibly grateful for the friends who have taken in my lost soul all these years and have included me in their family's celebrations, but ultimately it just makes me miss my own more. This year absolutely no one called, emailed or even texted me a happy thanksgiving. Except my brother thank God and the bff who took me in this year. Everyone posted to Facebook of course, but the point is all of my friends know now just how over sensitive I am about this and how it hurts. They all know and yet still couldn't take two minutes to text 17 letters to me specifically. (Unless I texted them first before I accidentally left my phone home.) Granted they probably didn't text anyone, and I am aware of how small this is and how over reactive I am, but let's face it it's who I am. It's why I never wanted to open up to anyone- it just reminds me again and again how I'm not the most important person in anyone's life. At least before I could credit them with not knowing the underlying loneliness I feel and how happy it would it make me to get a goddamn text. 

But again I know this is an issue of oversensitivity so I don't blame them for not thinking twice. Well, I guess I do at least right now because it hurts. But I'll eventually forget, to be reminded next year same time same place. 

I hate Facebook. It makes it too easy to deny people direct contact. It is slowly destroying any real communication between people. At least texting is still person to person with specific intent. 

How am I supposed to survive this technological revolution?

I just want to stop caring. About everything.

Waiting For Fusion Part Deux

I asked my mom about that moment when she first saw my father again. I said love at first sight probably wouldn't happen for me. She said it didn't happen for her and my dad either. I practically shouted. 

WHAT? You've had me believing that my ENTIRE LIFE!

I don't know why.

You took your ring off when you SAW him!

Well sure, I liked him the minute I saw him and I knew I wanted to get to know him, but I wasn't in love with him. We didn't know where it was going, we just kept getting together and went with the flow. He was supposed to go back to the Philippines. We had no idea what was going to happen. Then your grandfather sat us down and said, "what are you two doing? are you getting married or not?" and that was that.

Wow. One of the most romantic beginnings to one of the least climactic proposals on record. Despite having the dream of my parents' romantic beginning destroyed, it actually made me feel a lot better. I started asking my friends about their significant others. All of their stories were different and yet similar in that there was something that drew them to their other half. Whether it was chemistry, or a I just want to be near this person feeling, to when I kissed him I knew.  So of course I started thinking about Fusion and what I felt when I met him. One of my friends actually asked if there were sparks. That question is specifically why I don't like telling people about my outings. I said no, not exactly, but that he was the first guy I'd met in a long time that I was interested in getting to know and that is huge for me. 

But after date #4 I started twisting up my emotions while trying to figure them out at the same time and I became confused and overwhelmed. (Actually to be honest, the anxious feelings started before date #4 but I had no idea where they were coming from or what exactly to attribute them to.) I started to feel like I was falling and it made me angry. Part of me thought maybe I was shutting down because I was approaching emotional territory with another human being. Part of me thought maybe there just wasn't any chemistry despite my liking him as a person and how much we had in common. As is my only way to deal with it I let myself get so upset I cried. All I did know was that it had nothing to do with him, it was all me, and that made me even crazier. Why can't I just deal with my emotions like a normal person??

I knew I had to talk to someone but I didn't want to call the bff. She's been trying to help me stay on the up and up and I didn't want to disappoint her I think, or at any rate hear her say I was being ridiculous. So I called my mother instead. I was well aware it was not the best idea but I sort of wanted her to witness how much she has f'ed me up. I mean, she knows she has but I wanted it to be as visceral for her as it is for me. That's terrible to say and unfair to her but in retrospect it's true. She did a pretty good job hiding her emotional issues from me growing up but they still trickled down. In the end she's my mom and essentially I want her comfort. Anyway I didn't put on a show, I'm not like that. But I knew I was going to cry because it's my coping mechanism and I would have done it with whomever I spoke, so I figured why not her.  

Her first response was to say I needed to go back to therapy. I could tell she wanted to help but didn't know how. Ultimately I just needed her to listen because very shortly after I got off the phone with her I felt much better. I talked about how I didn't know why I was upset, I just knew it wasn't because of him or the date that seemed to end weirdly. How I was frustrated with myself because I seem to get confused emotionally so quickly by no one other than myself. How even though I like him and wanted to get to know him, he himself doesn't really make me feel any particular way. How If he stopped communicating with me I wouldn't really care. How maybe I was shutting down. How my initial excitement blocked out any ability to get a feel for him. How maybe I was just really disappointed because it's been forever since I met anyone decent and he's not working out. 

Other thoughts after I finally talked to the bff (who didn't make me feel ridiculous) were if I really liked him I would have no problem texting him immediately to go out again (because I've done it before) or to invite him over to see what would happen. Instead I'm thinking, I've been alone for so long and clawed my way through life making every decision for myself by myself, I just want him to make the move. I want him to be a little romantic and put the first foot forward. I want him to show me he's interested.

I know that's not a totally rational expectation. Maybe he's not a romantic. Maybe he's shy in that respect and doesn't want to make the first move. I don't know. But after all is said and thought to death, the chemistry thing is what I figured out. It's just not there. It's been a week since our date and he hasn't communicated once. (Nor I with him but I wanted to wait to obviously see if he was still interested.) Other than trying to figure my own feelings out, I haven't really thought about him, the guy himself. Like what he was up to or even what he thinks about me. I can't help but feel that's pretty telling. When the days went by I figured maybe it was mutual, he didn't feel the chemistry either.

But then I got a text this morning- on the vague side if you ask me but then again I shouldn't read into a text, especially from a guy probably not thinking about what he's actually texting. He just wished me a happy holiday with a let's touch base next week about getting together. I'm still wondering if he's not feeling the chemistry and is texting just to be nice because let's touch base? Really? A week goes by and that's the effort? Seems lacking doesn't it? In his defense we've been pretty casual in our communications, but at the very least we've been straightforward with a plan of some sort. I wished him a happy holiday in return but that was it. I'm not sure how I'm going to handle it if/when he texts next week. I don't want to go out with him just to tell him I don't feel any chemistry and want to stop seeing him, but texting it seems lame too. I don't know. I guess time will tell as it always does. 

Overall, I think this has been a good experience and I've handled it pretty well. Even my little cry session. It's all new to me so I guess I'm just learning about my own behavior and feelings. I mean, I've gone on a few dates before and liked a few guys but none ever had the expectation to really go anywhere. When that expectation finally came to the forefront I broke down and went to therapy. I feel better equipped and much more open now having admitted it's what I want, but I still have to struggle through it. I suppose most people do actually. It would be a different world if it was easy I guess. 

Three and Four

Date #3 Dinner in Chelsea

The Nor'easter hit and when he texted there was already 4 inches of snow. I said as long as public transportation was running I was not rescheduling again! The restaurant he chose ended up being closed so we walked around to the first decent restaurant we saw. Conversation was still easy and it was fun to be out during such a snow storm. We discovered yet more parallels in our lives and when the date ended we kissed. And then I went in for another real kiss. It was really nice. He has soft lips. :) He immediately texted to meet up again for dinner next week, this time no snow.

Date #4 Dinner in Chelsea take 2

We decided to go back and try that restaurant again, and yet again it was closed despite the website NOT mentioning the closure either time. I heard some people passing by say it had been closed since the superstorm so it's even weirder that the website doesn't say anything. Also weird that it was not in the area that was flooded and the attached store was open. Anyway, again we were forced to just walk along the avenue to see what else there was. We stopped for Thai food, my favorite. I think I was a little low energy in the beginning because I was hungry and a little tired, but once I got some food in me I felt better. And then I didn't. Conversation was still fine, but things felt a little different to me. My stomach suddenly felt weird and I couldn't finish my food. Maybe a little anxiety attack? Then we went for coffee and tea and things felt even weirder. It seemed like he was distracted or suddenly not interested in what I was saying. He was tired too though so it may have just been an off night, but something nagged at me. When the date ended he kissed me quickly and we went our separate ways. No text followed from either of us. 

I'm not sure what to think but you know I can't stop. Mind on overdrive despite my best efforts to calm myself. 

Waiting for Fusion

I do my best to not take things for granted. Or put another way, I try to remember as much as possible to be grateful for what I have. Everything in life is lose-able. That said, every time I walked into the bathroom for the three days I was without power due to the storm I flicked on the light switch. EVERY TIME. It's a little bit of jolt to suddenly realize just how much you've been taking something for granted. But in all honesty who has the time (or memory) to think "thank you for electricity!" every time they turn on a light? Still, I can't help but think it can't hurt (karmically) to think it every once in a while and not just when you're suddenly without it.

I'm starting to wonder if it's like that with love for some people. Those who fall in love so easily they don't even know they're doing it. Sure they're heartbroken when they're suddenly without it, but do they ever appreciate how wonderful it is that they can fall so easily?

I think I've mentioned before how my parents met and fell in love at first sight. Literally. My mother was engaged to another man and when she saw my father she slipped the ring off in her pocket. She just knew. And my father, the devout Catholic he is, said but they're not married yet! when he discovered she was engaged. My gentle, soft-spoken, back down from every fight father. He knew. They have their issues but they are still married 47 years later. Perhaps love created it, perhaps life created it but my mother's completely contradictive independent co-dependence on my father and my father's oblivious co-dependence on my mother would absolutely have one lost without the other. Once I heard the story as a teenager and became truly aware of the life they created together I always assumed it would happen to me too. Despite all my hang ups and stepping back from men and dating, I still thought when I see him I will just know. It always bothered me when people said it doesn't work that way. Love grows. I always thought not for me. I'm going to get the fairytale.

I have harbored that feeling all of my adult life. And then a few weeks ago I met Fusion. It suddenly occurred to me that I'm not actually capable of love at first sight or even sparks upon first meeting. I closed down so much of the openness most people have when they meet someone new that any chance of something spontaneous happening is close to nil (but maybe not impossible?). My emotional self won't let it happen. I believe my emotional self could even dampen chemistry, even though it has way less control over me than it used to. In all honesty though the dream of following in my parents footsteps is most likely just that, a dream. It used to be unimaginable to me that I wouldn't know my future husband the second I met him. I look back (you know, to last month) at that headstrong naive girl and I'm amazed how so completely I refused to believe love could grow. Now I realize it's the only way it will happen for me. He will have to be my friend first, someone I trust and feel safe with after getting to know. I'm starting to believe those fireworks happen when love happens, no matter how long you've know a person. So maybe the whole cake and getting to eat it thing will happen for me after all.

I want to learn more about him. His likes and dislikes, how he interacts with other people, what makes him smile. I suppose ultimately I want to know if he's interested in learning those things about me too. I've been in too many one-sided friendships so I'm a big proponent of the two way street. We seem to be on the level about a lot of things so hopefully it runs deeper as well.

Meeting up with Fusion has been all but impossible since the storm. The closing of public transportation and bridges and tunnels has put everything on hold and my patience is wearing thin. Do I rely on public transportation or do I take it for granted? Luckily we both made it through relatively unscathed. He more so than me, I don't think he even lost power. Some of my friends are still without power but thankfully that's the worst of it. The Jersey shore was a huge part of my childhood and though I haven't been back in a while I already miss it. It was somewhere I wanted to bring my children if I have them and though I'm sure I will be able to in the future, it won't be the same.

But I digress. We have now postponed dinner twice, and I'm already sure we will have to again. We are supposed to get a Nor'easter on Wednesday, our next scheduled date. Normally it wouldn't be a big deal but because of the storm public transportation recovery could be put on hold. Occasionally I think is this a sign? (Mars is in retrograde!) but then I answer don't be stupid it's just bad luck. We all know how long it's been since I've not only met a guy, but one worth pursuing, so thankfully rational thought is winning.

He's still texting asking if we're on so I guess it's a good sign he thinks I'm worth pursuing too.