"Why Did You Spread Those Vicious Lies?"

"Cuz you didn't spread those vicious thighs."
-Strangers With Candy, "The Virgin Jerri"

I had a dream a few nights ago that I was pregnant, 9 months from the size of me. Then like a movie scene, it cut to me holding the baby in my arms as it gazed up into my eyes. Freaky thing was, the baby looked exactly like I did when I was about 2 years old. Suddenly it hit me that I had to go to work and had no where to leave her, so I brought her with me. At the end of the day I looked around but couldn't remember where she was. Then I realized she was already in the van, ready to go home. I got in and turned away for a moment, and when I looked back she was gone. I started crying and yelling that someone had kidnapped her. I woke up with tear filled eyes.

Becoming pregnant is a gigantic fear of mine. Well, one among the many obviously, but it's pretty loomy sometimes. It's just one of those things that is stuck in the recesses of my brain and no matter how hard I prove it (with known facts and statistics) to be a ridiculous fear, it remains heavy and foreboding. Hello, birth control! condoms! what have you! I still believe that I will get pregnant despite it all. The fact that the percentage is minute and usually due to user error, that's enough for me. And I can't handle it. I can't handle the thought let alone the actuality. (This is all assuming I'd have to do it alone because the guy I chose to have sex with will not be interested in sticking around.)

It's like...a phobia. I'm sure there's a name for it. There's a name for every fear out there....

Sweet sassy there is. It's called Tocophobia. Though, that's more the fear of actually being pregnant. My fear is more, how can I care for a kid if I can't even handle myself? Let's see if there's a name for that...Automatonophobia- fear of ventriloquist dummies, Consecotaleophobia- Fear of chopsticks, Mycrophobia- Fear of small things, Novercaphobia- Fear of your step-mother, Phronemophobia- Fear of thinking (for real?).

Possibilities: Pedophobia- Fear of children, Genophobia- Fear of sex, Hominophobia- Fear of men...

The closest I can find is Atychiphobia- Fear of failure. And I guess getting pregnant before I'm ready would be a huge failure for me because I wouldn't know what to do except crawl back to mom in the hopes that she'd help. Maybe it's another control issue, as in looking back on my life I've always had some kind of control over what was next. Am I still so much a child myself? How can that be? Or is it because I don't want to do it alone? I want to give my child what my parents gave me? A happy childhood, albeit an over-protected one? One in which once grown they can say, "Mom, you f**ed me up in your own way but I'm still a good person and I love you?" At any rate it's something I can't provide because I have way too many non-happy-wtf days myself, lost in thought as to why the girl who is caring for me is doing such a sh*tty job.

Where was I going with this? Oh right, reason number 13,240 why I haven't had sex yet.

Maybe if I actually starting taking birth control I might feel differently. And maybe I'll get a lobotomy and won't feel anything at all. And maybe, just maybe, fate really does exist and will intervene at any moment. Like now.

Or now.

Or how 'bout now?

Ah screw it. Who wants an absolute neurotic virgin girlfriend who has trust issues?

Now don't crowd me boys. If you've had a vasectomy (and put some swimmers on ice) I might even look in your direction twice.