Who Would I "Do"?

I was fifteen the first time another girl hit on me. One summer evening at sleep away camp (don't they all begin like that?), my fellow campers and I slowly made our way to the communal bunk house. As we sat around chatting an older girl looked at me and said point blank, "Are you a lesbian?" I was caught off guard but collected myself enough to shake my head no. She shook her head and said loudly, "Why are all the cute ones straight?"

I have to admit, I did wonder there for a little while about my sexuality. I've never actually been attracted to a woman, but then again, I've only been attracted to a small number of men. In playing the 'what celebrity would you do' game there are always one or two beautiful women on the list along with all the beautiful men. Fantasizing about (celebrity) men and women were equal for a while, until I actually kissed a few guys and felt the sexual energy of it.

It's pretty easy to fantasize about something I have no fear of ever actually experiencing. I mean, if Vanessa Marcil came up to me and said 'let's get busy', I'd probably respond with 'um...maybe later. I have a stomach ache' and run out of the room even though she's absolutely gorgeous. However, if D said it with the promise that he wouldn't want to marry me I'd give him a strip tease to start us off.

Now the fantasies mostly involve males. And mostly D since I've apparently convinced myself that I'm comfortable with him. When it comes down to it (in academic terms since they are the only ones I know) they're still due to my childlike curiosity about physical pleasure, something I am old enough to know can be satisfied by a number of things. Because I have so little experience, all I can do is wonder.

Now before everyone starts with, you have lesbian fantasies? Get over yourself, you're gay, let me say this: no matter what your sexual orientation, if you haven't at least thought about it you're probably not human. Especially in today's sex sells culture. If you define homosexuality as simply intercourse with the same sex, then anyone who has had a homosexual experience (or mere thought) is gay in your book. If you include love, passion, understanding and promise in relation to intercourse between members of the same sex, well then you're defining homosexuality as a fulfilling relationship between two humans, just as heterosexuality is always assumed to be. You're also a liberal commie like me who wants everyone to be treated the same. But I digress.

Anyway, here's where I introduce the love element. Though I have not experienced romantic love with a male, I know I will. With a female? I have not, nor do I think I will ever.

As I've said before, many people ask when they hear the Jean story if she was in love with me. After we stopped speaking I found out through a friend that she, for whatever reason, admitted to having sex dreams about me. It struck me as rather funny that even though I loved her as my best friend and was forever hanging on her like a monkey, the thought of sex with her never crossed my mind. Maybe she treated me like shit because she was walking around with a perpetual case of blue balls. Ha!

A very close friend of mine who helped me deal with rebuilding myself after Jean, came out to me around the same time. I provided support for her as well and we created a pretty deep bond. Being of a more introverted type, it was only a matter of time before I started to feel a little suffocated by all her praise and support and needed time to myself. Then one day we had the conversation in which she beat around the bush for a while before saying, 'don't make me say it'. She was in love with me. I wanted to so badly to return the type of love she wanted but couldn't. She meant everything to me and I loved her as a friend, but faced with the prospect of sex with her? I knew right then that I could never with her or any other female. It made me incredibly sad and I pulled as far away from her as possible. Famous for shutting down others out, I was true to my reputation.

A year later we were able to re-establish a friendship because the bond we created was so strong. She told me that she mistook what she felt for me as love but was really more of a doctor patient thing where her devotion was due to the fact that I was the first person who had ever fully accepted her as she was. All this was realized after she met her first real love that is. I realized it after we stopped communicating and had had a chance to analyze our friendship.

And so there it is.

What people who know me know- I listen to a lot of female singer songwriters who happen to be lesbians. I am a feminist. I wear big black boots 9 months out of the year. I am mysterious about my sex life.

What anyone who reads this knows- I have the occasional fantasy about women. I am a virgin. I harp on old shit. And what I really want (when not wanting to be left alone) is a man to be part of an equal loving relationship with me...and of course sex me up until my eyeballs roll back.

Perhaps I'm sending mixed messages?