I Suspect My Expectations

"Hold me as long my body's shaking
Hold me as long I'm anticipating
Hold me as long your woman's waiting
Don't be shy I'm inviting you, I'm inviting you
So lay your hands your hands on me"
-Beth Hart

This song makes me want strip off my clothes. If you are in the need of a soulful rock and blues voice, you must check out Beth Hart. She will rock you inside out.

I've come to the (brilliant) conclusion that I will never be able to ask someone to lay their hands on me if I never knowingly risk disappointment. It sounds odd...like I should have said hurt. Maybe I mean both. I don't know. But I realize that I've been living under the "no expectations, no disappointments" rule, and it extends far beyond what it should.

I had a performance of a kind a few weeks ago and I was genuinely surprised by the number of my friends who actually showed up. There were a few I allowed myself to expect to be there, safe in the assumption that I would not be disappointed, but most I had already made excuses for because I knew they had other engagements, early mornings, etc. I think I could go so far as to say I felt honored...yes I know it's dramatic and most likely just my overblown sensitivity acting up, but I was thrilled to have them all there, and all there for me.

So am I underestimating my own value in their lives or am I underestimating their abilities as good friends who would of course come out to support me?

I don't want to play victim and cry about how many times I've been disappointed in (hurt by?) people, because in reality I've only been burned a few times. Granted Jean is an extreme case, she was not the first, nor the last I imagine though apparently I'm doing my best to try to make it so. Oh, too late. And I do still have people in my life who I love but who I can actually now predict when they will disappoint me. I'm doing my best to keep the expectation low and accept them for who they are, forgetting things that are important to me a part of it, because I know everyone has their own issues and I am far, far, far from perfect. I can always tell when I begin to expect because it stings.

When friends of friends or acquaintances ask something of me this rule comes in handy because I know if the situation was reversed I would most likely end up on the losing side. Perhaps that's a dark view of people but I've experienced just enough to know it's true. I would give my good friends the shirt off my back, but anyone else would just get a sideways glance and I don't feel guilty because I can say if I was on fire they wouldn't stop to piss on me. Part of this, and this is going to sound completely backward, is that I trust too easily. I always want to believe the best in people, despite all the cynicism I just spewed, or that at the very least they are not out only for themselves. So I don't usually let people in and end up trusting them to my own detriment. But then again, what about all the suspicion I've blubbered about being a part of the reason I can't meet anyone?

(shrug) You got me. I want to believe the best in people and am extremely suspicious of them at the same time. How f**ed is that?

If I'm honest I can make the distinction. New people I meet who are going to be part of my life through necessity, whether it be at work or socially, I need to believe that in their dealings with me they would only treat me with the same courtesy I give them, the Golden Rule so to speak- (i.e., there was no reason for my old boss to be condescending or withholding of opportunity because I had done nothing to her, and yet she was.) There's where the expectation usually gets me in trouble. New people can be men or women, and I've been right and wrong about them. And it has nothing to do with judging character...or maybe in trying not to judge it does.

New people I meet who seem to want to be a part of my life, that is express interest, I am extremely suspicious of because I know it's only a matter of time before they'll want something from me. These new people are usually men. Surprise! (Though not that many have tried.) Whether it be 2 minutes or 2 years, it's just so easy for me to judge their motives as being shallow or selfish. (That sounds awfully harsh, but if you haven't noticed I have some issues with sex.) Sad isn't it?

So basically I want to believe the good in everyone but am fully aware of how naive that is. All the while I'm doing my best to keep from falling into the trap by suspecting everyone (except friends with whom I apparently have varying degrees of expectation), I still end up falling into it and being disappointed. (Hurt! Who am I fooling?) But that's life right? The only thing I'm doing is walking into the traps blindfolded, so why don't I do it why my eyes open? Maybe it'd be easier to deal with after a while? I'm still a sensitive sap, but the disappointment doesn't hurt like it used to (which actually may or may not be a good thing. Am I numbing myself in the process?)

I'm just saying, an off switch placed somewhere behind my left ear would do me wonders.