Must Like Pie

How is it that I can pray to whatever it is I pray to out of habit these days to reach a higher mind about human existence and my role if I have one in it, but still worry about following society's equation for happiness? Do the Zen Monks have it right? Or the procreating, God-fearing people? Self-enlightenment or the blind continuation of the human race?

And how dare I be pretentious enough to actually think about these things in terms of an answer as to why I am single and though am happy most of the time still struggle with it?

For me I guess it comes down to avoiding one question. How do I make myself do something I don't want to do? (which then also begs the question, if I have to force it, maybe I'm not supposed to?) I've recently come to the conclusion...well, admitted to myself anyway, that I have no desire to date. I know a lot of people say they don't really like it, but most don't have a problem doing it and even manage to have a little fun. Me? I want the instant gratification of sharing my life with someone I trust, without working through all the business that gets you to that point. So in the meantime I'm cool with being alone and the occasional unfulfilled wish to snuggle with someone on the couch.

Would therapy help? I don't know. I feel like I've identified the problem...at least somewhat. There's the fear of sex (ie embarrassing myself due to inexperience), the fear of relationships (ie giving up my freedom) and the fear of getting pregnant (ie having another life totally dependent upon my own). Legitimate? The last one maybe. Really just weird in light of the natural human behavior to couple? Absolutely. So why? Why why why why why is this an issue for me at all?

So I think, well if I am so gadam unwilling to spend my free time getting to know someone, maybe I'm just meant to be alone (fate/excuse). Or...have I just not met anyone who makes me want to break my routine (control/excuse)? Either way I hear myself and know I'm just trying to justify my position.

I recently had a conversation with a good friend about why we're single. She has only a couple friends left who are still single (as do I) and she wondered how that could be when each of us is such a dynamic personality with a lot to offer. Knowing her friends my response was that another thing we all have in common is that we are strong, independent women who I think are unwilling to make sacrifices for just anyone (just to have someone). Not that her other married friends are dull, pushovers, it just seems that they all met their spouses through work, college or other friends. I think it takes a certain kind of strong, independent male to work well with a woman of that same demeanor and if you haven't met someone through work, college or friends on the early side, it gets harder. You'd think there'd be plenty of men like that in the city...not that I'd know since I haven't tried dating any of them...but from what I hear from women who do date, they're not easy to find.

Another friend of mine told me, 'You're such an awesome person, you're absolutely going to find someone. It's just going to be hard because the kind of guy you're looking for is also going to be home asking himself why he can't meet a nice girl.' Ok it sounds totally cheesy but during the course of conversation (you'd think I talk about it all the time jeez!) it wasn't and it made me feel pretty good. She insists that she'd still be single if she hadn't met her husband through work.

Which leads me to my latest encounter that I know any guy reading this will totally hate me for. I met a guy through someone at work at a work party. Let me lay out the excuses first. It was late, I had already had two drinks (which means I was double tired, red faced, and feeling slightly nauseous) and I had to get up early for work the next morning. I had to wait to meet him because all my co-workers who got wind of him stopping by practically ordered me to stay. He arrived and I actually thought, he's cute! Score! He has an accent! Score again! He's got a job! Three scores! I decided that if he was interested maybe I could possibly, potentially, conceivably go out on a date.

But I was so tired and thinking about getting up early the next morning was killing me. Plus all the co-workers around winking at me and poking me to go stand near him just about put me over the edge. It was all very high school which they totally admitted, but still kinda of fun. Anyway, he (and all my new high school buddies) wanted me to stay but I really just couldn't. I had already wanted to leave 20 minutes ago and I wouldn't have been any fun at that point anyway. So I walked right up to him and said, "so can I get your number? Or do you want mine?"

We exchanged numbers and I went home. After a couple days he texted me. Late. He wanted to know what I was up to and if I wanted to meet up with some people and him even later. Here's where I wished I was 20 and still in college. Though even then given the hour I still probably wouldn't have gone out. As much as I hate to admit it, I've never been able to go or stay out late. I earned a very sad nickname in college because of it. Anyway, I told him that I was in for the night but to have fun.

So of course, me being me, I have come to some conclusions about why dating him wouldn't work.

He's young and new to the city- this equals late nights out drinking, two things that are on the bottom of my list of fun things to do. I would never want to deny him that because he's young and new to the city! Who doesn't want to stay out late drinking in NYC besides me?
I'm set in my ways and at the same time looking for something other than drinking/partying to break my routine- this equals me already closing it down.

I haven't heard from him since so I either came across as totally not interested or he's waiting for me to contact him. Which I probably won't do because I suck.

So if the answer to how do I make myself date if I don't want to, is find someone who'd rather catch a movie, maybe stop somewhere for a piece of pie and then head home, then the next question is how do I meet a guy who'd rather catch a movie, maybe stop somewhere for a piece of pie and then head home if he's home wondering how to meet me? Perhaps then I'm just supposed to go it alone?

And so goes the tale of the girl who cried "I want to date but not really unless I'm immediately attracted to him and he likes pie."