Most people who know me would probably say that I smile a lot. Up until I was 19 it was pretty much my default face...not in that weird, lips frozen kind of way, but in a habitually easy smile so even when I wasn't smiling there was still a hint of one way. As sickening as it is, my parents provided me a childhood with very little to be unhappy about.
I say 19 was the end of the default smile because that was when I began coming into the city full time. I actually had to train myself not to smile while traveling. It invited too much unwanted attention that my innocent, unjaded self did not know how to handle. On the subways and on the streets, if I caught anyone's eye with a smile on my face it was read as an invitation to approach me, or at the very least say something (in many cases suggestive) to me. How could an overprotected, suburban girl not be scared?
Thus began the inhibiting. I remember catching myself smiling while by myself on the train and forcing myself to lower the corners of my mouth. It was an odd feeling to consciously change my behavior, especially from something positive to something seemingly negative. The good thing though was that around those I was comfortable with a smile was still never far off. In retrospect I'm amazed that I didn't shut down the ability to smile altogether, given my history of putting up walls and such.
Rest assured however, I am still an easy smile and most of the time an even easier laugh. When traveling by myself I am usually listening to my ipod, and I am totally one of those people who bobs her head and mouths the words to what she's listening to. I can't help it. It makes me happy. Every once in a while I'll smile if something funny comes to mind, but most of the time I am straight-faced. And I think I kind of look angry when I don't smile.
So I am making a pledge to start smiling again, whenever, wherever I feel like it. And whatever it invites? I'll handle it. I'm not that 19 year old girl anymore. Well...most of the time.
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