Tap tap tap tap...I don't know. I'm not even sure how to begin. Ultimately I know whatever I say will make me look foolish, but pretty much every entry in this blog does that so I guess I shouldn't be worried about this one.
Here's the thing...if I'm outrageously picky in the real world, imagine what I'd be like in cyber space? A couple of my friends are proponents of online dating and have encouraged me in the past to sign up. One said at the very least it'll help my ego. I've scanned a few of them but the whole thing just makes me nervous. You know the whole distrust issue I harbor? It flares up a little when dealing with anonymous online spaces where the potential for people to lie outweighs their self-control, or at the very least misrepresent themselves based on what they'd like to be rather than what they are. (I know I know, everyone does this sometimes. I realize not everyone is out to take advantage of other people...but some of them are. Sometimes I think maybe I'm just nervous I'm one of the ones who, despite all my suspicions, is still naive enough in some ways to be taken.)
But theoretically speaking, let's say I'm able to get past that and find someone's entry that I believe is honest and straightforward. We start emailing, I get to like him (as he presents himself in writing- because I know that if say, someone like Fred :) met me in person he'd be surprised at how different I am...or rather, how much easier it is to read me, than listen to me stutter through my nervousness), we decide to meet, I feel zero chemistry and have to either give him the 'let's just be friends' or stop communication altogether. (Putting the horse before the cart much? Obviously the reverse is possible too, but I'd rather just assume not so I can hide behind it. How's that for honest?) It would just make me feel worse than if I had met him through a friend and didn't do the emailing because we would have already gotten to know each other. God writing that out loud makes me realize how utterly ridiculous it is...and yet, can't rid myself of it.
Or perhaps I'm making excuses because I want things to happen naturally. And yet, can't make myself do anything to get that ball rolling either.
How can you stand someone who won't help herself out?
Why are you still reading this?
Maybe one of these days I'll grow a set and at least sign up, see what happens. At the very least it'll give me something else to talk about (along with a potential ego boost?) Why is it that I can take risks with my life, but I can't take any in it?
Jump off a cliff? Done it. Swim in dangerous waters? Done it. Step in front of a speeding bus? Done it. Quit my career track? Done it. Go out on a date? eeeeeeeeee! Scary!
6 comments:
You should do it. You're articulate. I'm sure you can make a good profile. All profiles attract icky guys, but since you'll be able to make a nice one (I KNOW you will!) you'll stand a better chance of finding someone articulate with his act together.
> Go out on a date? eeeeeeeeee! Scary!
You are hilarious. And did you just mention me in your post? I'm honoured. ;-)
Listen, the problems you have just described are what I like to call "High-Quality Problems". i.e. they are not really problems if you think about it.
okcupid.com. Shhhh. Just do it. It's free, and it's fun. No, I don't work there, and yes, I'm on it but you won't know who I am and vice versa. :)
You should try it. I had that feeling too - of wanting it to happen naturally. I thought about what I would say to friends and relatives if I did find someone on a site "we met online" ack! But after years of absolutely nothing - a friend joined and went on a date - it made me think - I have no reason to complain about my situation if I'm not doing anything about it. You may get to that point - when you are tired of the nothingness. I was super paranoid at first - I didnt even give out my number to someone I went on a date with. You get a feel for some you trust and some you dont - as long as they give more info out than you - you can be safe. An anonymous email works too.
I agree, it's not the going on the date that's scary, the problem is when the girl feels no chemistry but the guy does (which is what tends to happen) and then it's awkward after you'd gotten closer over e-mail. Makes you want to spare yourself the trouble. . .
Long post warning ... sorry...!
Until yesterday I was a 31 year old virgin. Like you I could come up with a billion theories for how I got there, but the truth is I don't really know. I'm not super-attractive, but not unattractive either and I had my share of opportunities. I just never really felt that much chemistry for anybody (who was available/interested). Nearly followed through a couple of times, but (thank God!) never did, because at the last minute I realised that I didn't really fancy the guys, they were just "good on paper" and I was just going to end up the next morning wondering why I slept with an them "just to get rid of it" and upsetting myself AND them.
So about a year ago (about 6 months after turning 30 - coincidence? Erm...) I signed up to Match. Dated several guys through that, but I think I kept making the same mistake I made in real life - i.e. dating guys for too long when I knew there was no real chemistry. More recently I've tried to date a wider selection (even if I'm not quite so blown away with their profile, and without letting the email bit drag on too long and building up some (inaccurately detailed!) mental picture of them) and then stop things after the first date if there's no "wow" moment in the flesh. So I've got a bit better at moving on quickly. Once you get used to it it's really not so hard to say "I've had a great time, but I think the chemistry's not quite right is it?" If it's a first or second date no guy is going to be that upset and everybody can just move on!
Anyway, just before Christmas I went on a date with a guy from Match who I wasn't even 100% sure about from his profile/emails, but he seemed nice and interesting so I thought I'd give it a go. Immediate "wow" moment in person (tall, gorgeous and interesting) and a month (and some naked fooling around) later, here we are. I really thought I wouldn't tell him my "v" status, but in the end it came up during conversation on a previous date and I'm glad it did, I think it made the whole thing a lot less stressful (not completely unstressful you understand, but not so stressful that it wasn't fun once I got into the swing of things). Not sure whether I would have brought it up if it didn't come up though. He appeared not to be freaked out by it at all (despite the fact he's 35 and has had plenty of girlfriends) and has generally been great and just treated me like any other girl he really likes, and not like some strange sociology experiment.
The moral of my story? I'm not sure really, except (a) don't give up, and (b) my personal theory is it's a numbers game. My guess is that you and I are wired up perfectly correctly but for whatever reason we just don't get turned on by that many men (hormones?!? pheromones?!?) So you just have to meet a lot of guys to find one you fancy the pants off ... and then IF he also turns out not to be an obvious idiot, things will happen.
Hope that doesn't sound patronising (wow, what an expert I am - had sex once (well, 4 times, but you know what I mean)). I just read your blog and it all sounded sooo familiar. I just wanted to let you know that life can move on and things can change. I am sure it will happen for you too. Will keep my fingers crossed (for you and me!) that it is with somebody who turns out to be great in the longer term too.
thanks d, for your story and encouragement. and thanks to lily, fred, anonymous and amy too! maybe one day i'll have the courage...or maybe one day a really hot guy i connect with on a few different levels will enter the scene and i'll be magically relieved of having to actually look for him. :)
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