“After ten years in therapy, my psychologist told me something very touching, he said, “no hablo ingles.””
Dennis Wolfberg
I have to wonder myself if it actually mattered who I first talked to when I finally worked up the courage to call for an appointment. Which by the way, I got as far as calling the number my insurance card said to call and then became paralyzed. It took me a week to make that call and I induced a reflux attack for nothing: the voice on the other end simply gave me my insurance information and told me to look up a doctor online. I was too overwhelmed to be angry that the stupid benefits book didn't just say that. K actually ended up making the call for me and the doctor called me back to make an appointment. I'm extremely lucky to have her.
After the fourth appointment I was much calmer though still anxious, and finally separated my feelings about therapy from my feelings about the therapist. My first appointment with the Psychiatrist went by and after speaking with her it became clear that I was uncomfortable with the Psychologist. I decided to stop seeing her and wait until I received the Psychiatrist's evaluation before finding another Psychologist.
Her recommendation is that it isn't urgent but I would benefit from medication. The decision is mine. I go back and forth daily.
I caught myself singing to myself the other day. In what feels like a past life it was a sign of a good mood and relative happiness. I tried to remember the last time I actually felt that way and was already two springs back before I kind of gave up. Even though I know what I'm feeling now is only a slight lightness of being after unloading years of packed in emotional turmoil, it's a wake up call to just how low I've been feeling and how very long!
I am amazed at how I couldn't see it until that moment.
This makes the case for getting on the happy train. My hate for big pharma and aversion to ingesting chemicals pulls the case back.
My next appointment is next friday. Where's my little black 8 ball?
3 comments:
Awesome blog. I'll be stopping by again soon.
I'm glad you're doing so well.
I'll just come out and say it. I'm hesitant about the drugs.
A friend of mine ended up getting sucked into the never-ending circle of medication, gave up on therapy and she refuses to live her life without her pills. That in itself worries me because I feel like she's living in a card castle.
At the same time, I've seen medication such as Luvox do wonders for a friend who had a serious case of OCD.
It really comes down to whether you think you can do without.
I urge you to at least spend some time doing therapy without extras. I feel as if it was the containment of all the feelings themselves that were a big part of the problem. But like your psychiatrist said, it is your decision and you'll do what you think is best for where you are in life.
Regardless, the last part of your post made me extremely happy. This bend around the road seems like a good one and I think you're on the right track.
Must say, first time I've stopped by your blog and I can't stop reading it. I'm totally engrossed. I will certainly keep reading, but I did want to say that I really wish you well with everything. I hope that you make a decision that works for you, whatever that may be! Good luck! Would like to hear updates...
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