It's Just Like 1987, Without The Sweater Vest

Remember the days before the internet went public? Before you could reach out anonymously to an online community for some sort of, I dunno, bearing witness of your emotional existence?

So yeah. That's how I've been living since the end of November. It has been strange...and extremely inconvenient. I've come to realize how much I rely on the internet to talk to people. I don't like the phone and barely ever come close to going over my minutes but this month my bill is exorbitant. On the phone with the cable company, on the phone with the gas company, on the phone with co-workers, on the phone with my parents- funny, hardly on with any of my friends, but they all know how much I hate the phone so they barely call anyway.

And I'm sure you can guess that because I had no way to talk about it, big things happened! Well...not in the relationship area (big surprise) but that big event that I expect to set changes in motion finally happened. I FINALLY got and own my own place. Throughout the end of November, beginning of December I felt like I was a boxer in a ring with no gloves. The blows were coming from everywhere, including my own fists, and I couldn't defend myself. What is it they say? Divorce, death and moving are the three most stressful things in life? That is for damn sure. My contract was not the normal contract so I couldn't set a close date. If I could have, I never would have gotten stressed. Instead I was a walking zombie. The first two weeks of December were the worst ever. Every day I waited, knowing I had a deadline that I was ready to defend one day, ready to give up on the next. My entire life savings was at the heart of it and I was left just hanging in the wind as to whether or not I'd actually get to spend it without losing it completely. Insanity.

So now here I am, in my brand new apartment...hemorraging money. A new dresser, a couch, gas bill, utensil holders, hooks for doors, putty for the holes the workers left, paint, cleaning solutions...etc, etc, etc. Not that I'm complaining. :) It's fun to have my own place to decorate however the hell I want! Onward and upward!

But then...and here returns our favorite drama queen...I've now been alone in this apartment for a while now. I took a week after the holidays to set everything up and buy all the furniture I need, but now I know it wasn't such a great idea. I don't have a car so I couldn't and can't get anywhere, I (still) don't have internet so I can't order anything, I don't have cable so I don't even have tv. (This cable/internet situation is really starting to get on my nerves. I sent an angry but professional email this morning to someone who I hope can make things happen.) So what's left but to listen to music and self-analyse all day long?

I've been good though, while on vacation I refused to get myself down despite the loneliness that was very palpable due to the circumstances. Though I've felt lonely in the past, I always at least had a roommate or friends around to take the edge off. Literally sitting by yourself in a quiet, not quite yet comfy apartment does not take the edge off anything. But now that I'm back to work and have contact with people on a daily basis I haven't thought about it much. The other good thing is I have a lot of other distractions concerning fixing up the place.

And I'm still counting on the change that will come with this new milestone. He's got to be closer now. :) Once it gets warmer out I'm going to really explore the neighborhood and actually smile at people instead of look the other way. That will take some conscious effort for this hard edged city girl but I'm willing!