Let [Me] Them Eat Cake

Friday was my last day doing my old job. Finally. As of Monday I am full time in the new position. I've been doing the job part time for awhile now, so it'll be nice to stop splitting my attention/time between two and focus on the better one. It's really just a long awaited shift to the creative position I should have moved into a year ago. Anyway, my question is, what does it say about me that I wanted a little goodbye kind of thing and didn't get one? I won't be working with the same people I've been working with for the past three years, and I will miss them. I told a few people it would be my last day and expected it to spread. I suppose that was dumb considering I did the same thing about letting them know about the promotion in general and months later some were still saying they'd just heard. I didn't want to walk around with a trumpet but I guess one ultimately has to be responsible for tooting one's own horn. It's my own fault but it's just so easy to play the victim...to feel almost forgotten.


So far this year I've been to two surprise thirtieth birthday parties for good friends, each thrown by their significant others. I was just invited to another one this summer for another good friend, thrown by her significant other. I can't help but wonder who would throw one for me? Not that I really want one, I think I just want to know that I have friends who care enough to put something together. Or at least one person.

A friend of mine does want to go to Vegas for my 30th. I'm not a gambler but from what I hear that's no longer the main attraction. If she can get a few of our friends together to go I'm all for it, but I doubt anyone can pull it off, time or money wise.

Maybe I'll just treat myself to a trip somewhere. One of those adventure type tours...hmmmm...

Must Like Pie

How is it that I can pray to whatever it is I pray to out of habit these days to reach a higher mind about human existence and my role if I have one in it, but still worry about following society's equation for happiness? Do the Zen Monks have it right? Or the procreating, God-fearing people? Self-enlightenment or the blind continuation of the human race?

And how dare I be pretentious enough to actually think about these things in terms of an answer as to why I am single and though am happy most of the time still struggle with it?

For me I guess it comes down to avoiding one question. How do I make myself do something I don't want to do? (which then also begs the question, if I have to force it, maybe I'm not supposed to?) I've recently come to the conclusion...well, admitted to myself anyway, that I have no desire to date. I know a lot of people say they don't really like it, but most don't have a problem doing it and even manage to have a little fun. Me? I want the instant gratification of sharing my life with someone I trust, without working through all the business that gets you to that point. So in the meantime I'm cool with being alone and the occasional unfulfilled wish to snuggle with someone on the couch.

Would therapy help? I don't know. I feel like I've identified the problem...at least somewhat. There's the fear of sex (ie embarrassing myself due to inexperience), the fear of relationships (ie giving up my freedom) and the fear of getting pregnant (ie having another life totally dependent upon my own). Legitimate? The last one maybe. Really just weird in light of the natural human behavior to couple? Absolutely. So why? Why why why why why is this an issue for me at all?

So I think, well if I am so gadam unwilling to spend my free time getting to know someone, maybe I'm just meant to be alone (fate/excuse). Or...have I just not met anyone who makes me want to break my routine (control/excuse)? Either way I hear myself and know I'm just trying to justify my position.

I recently had a conversation with a good friend about why we're single. She has only a couple friends left who are still single (as do I) and she wondered how that could be when each of us is such a dynamic personality with a lot to offer. Knowing her friends my response was that another thing we all have in common is that we are strong, independent women who I think are unwilling to make sacrifices for just anyone (just to have someone). Not that her other married friends are dull, pushovers, it just seems that they all met their spouses through work, college or other friends. I think it takes a certain kind of strong, independent male to work well with a woman of that same demeanor and if you haven't met someone through work, college or friends on the early side, it gets harder. You'd think there'd be plenty of men like that in the city...not that I'd know since I haven't tried dating any of them...but from what I hear from women who do date, they're not easy to find.

Another friend of mine told me, 'You're such an awesome person, you're absolutely going to find someone. It's just going to be hard because the kind of guy you're looking for is also going to be home asking himself why he can't meet a nice girl.' Ok it sounds totally cheesy but during the course of conversation (you'd think I talk about it all the time jeez!) it wasn't and it made me feel pretty good. She insists that she'd still be single if she hadn't met her husband through work.

Which leads me to my latest encounter that I know any guy reading this will totally hate me for. I met a guy through someone at work at a work party. Let me lay out the excuses first. It was late, I had already had two drinks (which means I was double tired, red faced, and feeling slightly nauseous) and I had to get up early for work the next morning. I had to wait to meet him because all my co-workers who got wind of him stopping by practically ordered me to stay. He arrived and I actually thought, he's cute! Score! He has an accent! Score again! He's got a job! Three scores! I decided that if he was interested maybe I could possibly, potentially, conceivably go out on a date.

But I was so tired and thinking about getting up early the next morning was killing me. Plus all the co-workers around winking at me and poking me to go stand near him just about put me over the edge. It was all very high school which they totally admitted, but still kinda of fun. Anyway, he (and all my new high school buddies) wanted me to stay but I really just couldn't. I had already wanted to leave 20 minutes ago and I wouldn't have been any fun at that point anyway. So I walked right up to him and said, "so can I get your number? Or do you want mine?"

We exchanged numbers and I went home. After a couple days he texted me. Late. He wanted to know what I was up to and if I wanted to meet up with some people and him even later. Here's where I wished I was 20 and still in college. Though even then given the hour I still probably wouldn't have gone out. As much as I hate to admit it, I've never been able to go or stay out late. I earned a very sad nickname in college because of it. Anyway, I told him that I was in for the night but to have fun.

So of course, me being me, I have come to some conclusions about why dating him wouldn't work.

He's young and new to the city- this equals late nights out drinking, two things that are on the bottom of my list of fun things to do. I would never want to deny him that because he's young and new to the city! Who doesn't want to stay out late drinking in NYC besides me?
I'm set in my ways and at the same time looking for something other than drinking/partying to break my routine- this equals me already closing it down.

I haven't heard from him since so I either came across as totally not interested or he's waiting for me to contact him. Which I probably won't do because I suck.

So if the answer to how do I make myself date if I don't want to, is find someone who'd rather catch a movie, maybe stop somewhere for a piece of pie and then head home, then the next question is how do I meet a guy who'd rather catch a movie, maybe stop somewhere for a piece of pie and then head home if he's home wondering how to meet me? Perhaps then I'm just supposed to go it alone?

And so goes the tale of the girl who cried "I want to date but not really unless I'm immediately attracted to him and he likes pie."

Ready. Set. Yawn.

Well I did it. I joined an online dating site. It was kind of an experiment more than anything else, because I knew the chances of me actually meeting someone in person were very, very slim. Perhaps thinking that right off the bat hindered any potential whatsoever and thereby made the point of joining an online dating site moot, but bear with me. I am not sure what I expected to get out of it (except maybe an ego boost. Is that a sign of pure conceit or what?) but I am not surprised by the result.

Bored.

Perhaps yet another sign of conceit? Wow.

I write in the past tense because I have since removed my picture from my profile. If I could figure out how to remove it all together I would, but I probably won't ever log in again so hopefully after a while they'll just remove it for me.

Anyway, so I signed up and filled out some of the profile. After about a week I posted a picture. Within ten minutes 2 guys sent me messages. I responded to one of them and thanked him for the compliment. He didn't respond and lived 5 states away so I think he may have really just wanted to tell me I have a great smile. Or at least that's what I'd like to believe. Over the next few days I filled out a little more of the profile and got 2 more messages. I didn't respond to any of them.

A week or so later I signed in to check on things and on the home page there was a guy's profile who I thought was really cute. I was so happy! After perusing lots and lots of pictures I actually found one I thought was cute! I read his profile. We had so much in common I couldn't believe it. In theory we'd be perfect. Then I saw where he was from. 5 states away. Why always 5 states away? I sent him a message.

I sent HIM a message.

In my usual ass-backward way I told him he was adorable and that he had great taste in music and was pretty much a perfect match, but that I was a big, fat coward that wouldn't do anything beyond sending him that message.

Who does that?

He graciously messaged me back saying I seemed cool too and that it was a shame he didn't live closer to NYC.

For a few weeks after that I didn't receive or send any messages. The site is not one of the big ones and is not well known so that's what I'll chalk up to not getting any more hits. Hey, we all have to justify things in our own heads right? At any rate I became bored and removed my picture.

So what does all this say about me? Here's what I choose to believe.

I have more of an ego than I thought, which translates to having a healthy one.

I get bored easily, though I kind of knew that before I started.

There are guys out there I find cute! Well, at least one. That's one more than before I started! Yay!

The Constant Smiler

Most people who know me would probably say that I smile a lot. Up until I was 19 it was pretty much my default face...not in that weird, lips frozen kind of way, but in a habitually easy smile so even when I wasn't smiling there was still a hint of one way. As sickening as it is, my parents provided me a childhood with very little to be unhappy about.

I say 19 was the end of the default smile because that was when I began coming into the city full time. I actually had to train myself not to smile while traveling. It invited too much unwanted attention that my innocent, unjaded self did not know how to handle. On the subways and on the streets, if I caught anyone's eye with a smile on my face it was read as an invitation to approach me, or at the very least say something (in many cases suggestive) to me. How could an overprotected, suburban girl not be scared?

Thus began the inhibiting. I remember catching myself smiling while by myself on the train and forcing myself to lower the corners of my mouth. It was an odd feeling to consciously change my behavior, especially from something positive to something seemingly negative. The good thing though was that around those I was comfortable with a smile was still never far off. In retrospect I'm amazed that I didn't shut down the ability to smile altogether, given my history of putting up walls and such.

Rest assured however, I am still an easy smile and most of the time an even easier laugh. When traveling by myself I am usually listening to my ipod, and I am totally one of those people who bobs her head and mouths the words to what she's listening to. I can't help it. It makes me happy. Every once in a while I'll smile if something funny comes to mind, but most of the time I am straight-faced. And I think I kind of look angry when I don't smile.

So I am making a pledge to start smiling again, whenever, wherever I feel like it. And whatever it invites? I'll handle it. I'm not that 19 year old girl anymore. Well...most of the time.