The Holiday List

Pros
I didn't feel like crying once the entire time.

Cons
...
Yeah, the pros pretty much make the cons moot.

This fact did not, however, exempt the holiday from family drama. And not that I cry every holiday because I don't...'cept for the last like 3 in a row. I'm just one of the many who get that blue kind of feeling during the supposed most wonderful time of the year. Mostly because seeing the family makes me really miss them, which leads to that wonderful walk down 'why am I still alone?' lane, which brings me to 'let's cry about it since it's such a great way to solve the problem'.

Back to the drama. There is an unspoken tension between my mother and brother, though both try to deny it with a pretend resignation that this is just how things are. It has gotten worse over the last couple years, but this is the first year I actually found myself in the middle of it. I guess because both sides could talk to me I was looked to as a kind of mediator.

Needless to say it is not a job I wanted nor actually did very well. In fact, I sucked at it. I didn't make anything worse, I just kind of refused to participate. (Some might say that may have made it worse...who knows?) I suppose the fact that it's all unspoken made it pretty easy, but still. I can barely handle the drama in my own damn head, let alone take on theirs.

At first I sided with my mother as some of the inconsiderate things he's done to her, he's also done to me. But he's my brother and I've accepted his sometimes poor etiquette as part of his character. I know he loves me despite his lack of communication. After a short but telling heart to heart with him though, I realize mom's not all in the right. They both have points and reasons for acting the way they do, but they're both so stubborn they won't ever actually speak about it to try to reach a compromise. Instead they both fill my ears with how they've accepted the fact that they lead extremely different, busy lives without time to offer one another.

It makes me incredibly sad. Of all people I know that separate lives feeling and how you sometimes have to put up that wall to protect yourself, but between family? Odd now that I told you I didn't feel like crying this season huh? Maybe it's because I never had time to concentrate on my own stupid drama for once...

Anyway, I started thinking more and more about my mother's influence over me, and how I thought I had some sort of a handle on it. Turns out I'm not as aware as I thought I was. Regarding family, and when/if I have my own, now I have to think about how every move I make will be interpreted. She has expectations that after watching my brother I'm afraid I won't meet. They are higher for me because I'm her daughter. Perhaps I've always known this and it's just another reason why I've avoided the whole issue of getting involved with someone. Christmas at his parent's house? She might never speak to me again.

Could I really be that much of a wet rag?

On a seemingly irrelevant note, I like to read Chinese astrology. It is something my mom introduced to me. The day to day stuff is usually ridiculous, but the long term forecasts and character traits seem to be on the mark more often than not. I found a book that had combination Chinese/Western sign readings and everything I read about my particulars was accurate. Down to the last line:

"This mixture of charming and freedom loving signs often marries late in life, if ever."

I read it outloud for my mother to hear. Loudly.