Nice To Not Meet You

Please let me clarify (weeks later). I don't think it's easy for everyone else to meet other people. I realize there are varying degrees of social abilities, and I don't even mean that I lack them...(completely anyway). My friend A said in passing before we attended a friend of a friend's party where we wouldn't know anyone, "everyone will love you, they always do." My other friend J also said in passing after a...let's say small musical performance, "you have another fan," complete with raised eyebrows. Both of these comments made me feel good but after thinking about it for a while added to my discomfort with meeting people. And by people I'm talking men.

It's so ridiculous I don't even want to write it. Actually, I'm pretty sure I've written about it before but apparently I'm still struggling with it big time. It's not so much the act of meeting of people (I actually enjoy meeting new people) that I can't do, it's about dealing with what happens after the fact that I feel like a complete moron for even admitting. When a guy takes an interest in me, and I know that I'm not attracted to him, I feel horribly guilty and want to crawl under a rock, a) because there's a possibility I might hurt his feelings, b) because I feel like a bitch for not giving him a chance by quickly knowing I'm not attracted. I am in no way saying this happens all the time (I don't think I have quite that big an ego) but I only needed it to happen once to feel bad enough to try to avoid the situation ever happening again.

Isn't that sad?

No one can live their life without hurting others. It's human nature. I've hurt people I'm sure and I've been hurt by people. But come to think of it...none of my injuries if you will have been by men. Sure there were boys in high school I liked who did not like me back, but it seems I've never really let one get close enough to be able to hurt me, intentionally or not. I'm always too afraid of hurting their feelings, or getting into a position I can't get myself out of because I have a hard time saying no...for fear of hurting their feelings. Even if it puts me in danger. GOD what is wrong with me?

I remember one halloween a few years ago my ex-roommate brought me and our other roommate to a party at this bar. It was a pimp and ho party (imagine that?) and all the women definitely dressed the skanky part. Me? You guessed it. I wore a little Catholic school girl outfit and pigtails. I had the most clothes on but all the guys in the place asked about me. Who knew? Guys are sick. Sometimes I am a little too innocent for my own good I guess.

Anyway, this really greasy guy in a tight red shirt and leather pants grabbed my hand and pulled me onto the dance floor. I tried to refuse but he didn't speak English very well. I didn't want to dance and I definitely didn't want to dance with him but I couldn't stop. He pulled me in tighter and it made me uncomfortable enough to say, "ok that's enough." I tried to walk off the floor but he pulled me back. I motioned to my roommates to help but they weren't watching. I actually kept dancing with him because I didn't know what to do. He was grinding with me and I let him. It took absolutely everything in me to finally push him away and shout, "no more!".

Why? Why couldn't I just say no and refuse to dance to begin with? Instead I let myself become extremely uncomfortable and then felt bad for pushing him away. Granted he was the kind of guy who was unphased by the whole thing, I still ended up feeling bad.

This is an extreme case, but I think it's probably a good example of how I deal with guys in general. No matter how they actually feel about me, no matter if I even have the ability to accidentally hurt them, I feel bad for not giving them a chance. And you can say, so then why don't you? Give them a chance? If I'm not immediately attracted I know I'd only be fooling myself and end up really hurting him after getting into a relationship. At least, that's what I tell myself. And I realize there is exactly the same amount of chance after getting into a relationship that he might not want to be with me, but I can't even get that far. I'd rather that be a possibility with someone I'm interested in than with someone I'm not. Does any of that make sense? Dating is about getting to know each other. What about that don't I get?

I know it's ridiculous! I want so badly to change I just don't know how. I can't make myself not feel bad even though the cause (if I'm honest) comes from a totally self-centered place. I wish I could make myself be attracted to more guys. That is a weird thing to say, but it's true. There have only been a small number of guys who I took a liking to and imagined myself being with (sexually). A very small number. (If you don't count celebrities...oh, like you don't have a list.)

Many of my friends have met their other halfs and people they've dated through other friends. C'mon guys! Don't you have any single guy friends who meet every one of my extremely specific requirements?

Here's a short check list to aid the search:

__He's attracted to me
__He's attractive to me

Good luck with #2.
GO.