The Vengeful Forget-Me-Not

It is a very odd thing to find out someone you don't think about anymore is thinking about you. I don't mean in terms of liking someone or having sex with them because we all know how often that happens. No I mean I found out my ex-boss was not as oblivious to my feelings about her as I once thought. I can't remember how much I've said about her aside from her presence being a blight on my existence, but here it is in a nutshell: When she became my boss I liked her a lot. She was very supportive and we got along great. I listened to her advice and believed her when she said she saw a lot of her in me and wanted to help me grow in the company. Slowly but surely I began to realize that her supportiveness was an act and that when I went to speak to her about any issues I had with her or the job (which by the by was not often) it went in one ear and out the other with a few words of encouragement that she'd look into it.

Anyway, after she f'ed with my yearly review and was able to withhold a raise, lectured me on how to further my career by attending drunken company parties and had the mind to think I wouldn't notice when she instilled herself as the road block to me getting better projects (I find it hard to chalk it up to coincidence that this is no longer the case now that she's gone), it turned personal and I hate to admit ugly. But only for me because I never took any action against her, after all, my word against hers would never hold up in a court of HR. At any rate, I was always civil and kept things to the utmost professional degree, only speaking to her when absolutely necessary (which she actually found ways around- if there was something I needed to know she would tell someone else and have them tell me. Nice boss right?). My inability to kiss ass has gotten me absolutely nowhere.

I never asked for her support. Had she blatantly not given it to me I would have probably still hated her, but respected her nonetheless. The empty sisterly encouragement she did offer was just about the fastest way to bring out my bad side.

I knew she could feel the tension, but I always thought she attributed it to the fact that I was unhappy with having been passed over for promotion. Come to find out, she was actually more in tune with knowing I dislike her than I thought. However, she's still oblivious to why which is an attribute to her self-absorption.

Apparently, being true to her absolutely unprofessional behavior, while interviewing someone who knows me (professionally) for a job under her where she now works, I came up. As in, questions about how I'm doing and why I felt I wasn't getting anywhere and how others felt about working with me, were asked point blank. DURING SOMEONE ELSE'S INTERVIEW! It still completely boggles my mind that she would think that was anywhere near appropriate. But that aside, it blows my mind even further that she still cannot admit that her own superficial behavior and degrading treatment of me is the reason why I don't like her. She is clearly incredibly insecure about the fact that someone dislikes her but doesn't have enough self-reflection to realize her own part in it.

So that said, it is very weird to find out someone you don't think about anymore is still thinking about you. It's actually kind of empowering. After two years of filling my professional life with misery, my (no longer active) feelings about her eats her up! Wouldn't it twist the knife further if she knew I had all but forgotten her had it not been for finding this out? This is not something I want to take pleasure in, mind you, but you know what? F it. Revenge is best served cold.

Nice To Not Meet You

Please let me clarify (weeks later). I don't think it's easy for everyone else to meet other people. I realize there are varying degrees of social abilities, and I don't even mean that I lack them...(completely anyway). My friend A said in passing before we attended a friend of a friend's party where we wouldn't know anyone, "everyone will love you, they always do." My other friend J also said in passing after a...let's say small musical performance, "you have another fan," complete with raised eyebrows. Both of these comments made me feel good but after thinking about it for a while added to my discomfort with meeting people. And by people I'm talking men.

It's so ridiculous I don't even want to write it. Actually, I'm pretty sure I've written about it before but apparently I'm still struggling with it big time. It's not so much the act of meeting of people (I actually enjoy meeting new people) that I can't do, it's about dealing with what happens after the fact that I feel like a complete moron for even admitting. When a guy takes an interest in me, and I know that I'm not attracted to him, I feel horribly guilty and want to crawl under a rock, a) because there's a possibility I might hurt his feelings, b) because I feel like a bitch for not giving him a chance by quickly knowing I'm not attracted. I am in no way saying this happens all the time (I don't think I have quite that big an ego) but I only needed it to happen once to feel bad enough to try to avoid the situation ever happening again.

Isn't that sad?

No one can live their life without hurting others. It's human nature. I've hurt people I'm sure and I've been hurt by people. But come to think of it...none of my injuries if you will have been by men. Sure there were boys in high school I liked who did not like me back, but it seems I've never really let one get close enough to be able to hurt me, intentionally or not. I'm always too afraid of hurting their feelings, or getting into a position I can't get myself out of because I have a hard time saying no...for fear of hurting their feelings. Even if it puts me in danger. GOD what is wrong with me?

I remember one halloween a few years ago my ex-roommate brought me and our other roommate to a party at this bar. It was a pimp and ho party (imagine that?) and all the women definitely dressed the skanky part. Me? You guessed it. I wore a little Catholic school girl outfit and pigtails. I had the most clothes on but all the guys in the place asked about me. Who knew? Guys are sick. Sometimes I am a little too innocent for my own good I guess.

Anyway, this really greasy guy in a tight red shirt and leather pants grabbed my hand and pulled me onto the dance floor. I tried to refuse but he didn't speak English very well. I didn't want to dance and I definitely didn't want to dance with him but I couldn't stop. He pulled me in tighter and it made me uncomfortable enough to say, "ok that's enough." I tried to walk off the floor but he pulled me back. I motioned to my roommates to help but they weren't watching. I actually kept dancing with him because I didn't know what to do. He was grinding with me and I let him. It took absolutely everything in me to finally push him away and shout, "no more!".

Why? Why couldn't I just say no and refuse to dance to begin with? Instead I let myself become extremely uncomfortable and then felt bad for pushing him away. Granted he was the kind of guy who was unphased by the whole thing, I still ended up feeling bad.

This is an extreme case, but I think it's probably a good example of how I deal with guys in general. No matter how they actually feel about me, no matter if I even have the ability to accidentally hurt them, I feel bad for not giving them a chance. And you can say, so then why don't you? Give them a chance? If I'm not immediately attracted I know I'd only be fooling myself and end up really hurting him after getting into a relationship. At least, that's what I tell myself. And I realize there is exactly the same amount of chance after getting into a relationship that he might not want to be with me, but I can't even get that far. I'd rather that be a possibility with someone I'm interested in than with someone I'm not. Does any of that make sense? Dating is about getting to know each other. What about that don't I get?

I know it's ridiculous! I want so badly to change I just don't know how. I can't make myself not feel bad even though the cause (if I'm honest) comes from a totally self-centered place. I wish I could make myself be attracted to more guys. That is a weird thing to say, but it's true. There have only been a small number of guys who I took a liking to and imagined myself being with (sexually). A very small number. (If you don't count celebrities...oh, like you don't have a list.)

Many of my friends have met their other halfs and people they've dated through other friends. C'mon guys! Don't you have any single guy friends who meet every one of my extremely specific requirements?

Here's a short check list to aid the search:

__He's attracted to me
__He's attractive to me

Good luck with #2.
GO.

'Tis The Season

The cousin who called a few months ago to leave a disgruntled voicemail about how our younger cousin got engaged...just got engaged.

My response: I TOLD you you'd be first.

I have not met him yet, but he's got to be better than the last guy she was with...the one who actually threw his car keys at her when she said she'd better drive because she knew the way better than he did. From what she has told me about her now fiance, I've gathered that he is the first non meat head she's ever been with. I am really happy for her and I hope to meet him soon. We used to talk about living next to one another as adults and raising our kids together. Well...she used to talk about it. Considering she'll never leave the area where she currently lives and I'll probably hit 50 before I open my heart, I'm thinking it'll always just be a childhood fantasy about adulthood.

A co-worker who once wrote, "I can't wait until we date" in a playful email exchange also just got engaged.

My response: Congrats! PS f you for making me cover for you while you called out to celebrate.

I brought cookies to the engagement gathering. His girlfriend is really sweet.

I am intrigued by how people meet. Mostly because I can't seem to do it. Rather, I can't make myself do it. It's fascinating how it's so easy for everyone else.

In more important news, the surreal dreams are heyla, heyla. I don't feel overly stressed though, so I'm wondering why they're back with such force. For the past 2 or 3 nights that extremely creepy sensation of being watched has plagued my verge of sleep self. There is an odd connection to work because I hear the worry, 'what if the people at work are watching this?' in my thoughts. And by this I mean me sleeping. So WEIRD. What the hell is burrowing into my little mind?