Not Even Coitus Interruptus

Speaking of unfulfilled fantasies…here’s a little insight into my subconscious, which is obviously completely mocking my conscious self. I would laugh myself if it wasn’t so damn depressing for me.

Every single sex dream I’ve ever had (that included another person) ended before my deflowerment. I’m not even kidding. Things get going, all is well, and then inevitably we are interrupted. Sometimes it’s another person which embarrasses me and I have to stop, but mostly it’s me. Stopping things. In a dream. I mean, come on I’m not really that repressed am I?

I actually wrote down one of these dreams right after I had it because I knew one day I’d want to look back and amuse/frustrate myself with the details. To this date, it is my favorite interrupted sex dream. Here it is in all its hilarity:

Edward Norton and I were in the fancy dining room of a big hotel/high school. The door was locked. We were standing in an embrace so tight I could feel his heart beat. His hands slid down my back and we started to kiss. He was amazing of course. I felt him pick me up and lay me down on the table. I was wearing jeans and a man’s undershirt with no bra. He said, “we’re going to do this raw,” (god, even the dialogue in my dreams needs help) and got up on top of me.

We kissed again and I pulled off his shirt. He slid back down and stood at the end of the table. Man, was he hot. I got up on my elbow and unzipped my pants. Suddenly I stopped.

“Edward, I think I have to pee. Don’t move I’ll be right back.” He smiled and I went into the bathroom. The toilet was unusable so I went back through the dining room and unlocked the door. The hall was filled with students. I knew there was a bathroom three flights up so I ran up the stairs but couldn’t find it. There was a sign for a locker room one flight down so I went back down.

The rest of the dream involved me running from place to place, trying to find a usable toilet. The one I ended up finding had walls that only went down to my knees, and only added to the discomfort I began feeling a few seconds earlier when I realized a little boy was looking over the top of the stall. I actually remember thinking, I hope Edward doesn’t think I’m weird for taking so long to pee. As if I still had a shot in hell with him.

On my way back to the dining room I woke up.

Queen Vee indeed. Maybe I should get a gem-studded chastity belt. At least then I’d live up to my self-appointed Royalty. Love the little teeth. Totally makes the belt.