I think I've finally discovered why life is so emotionally exhausting for me. That optimism I've been convincing myself is just a tiny part of my outlook, consistently overshadowed by my cynicism but yet present enough to keep me going, is actually a big part of my outlook. I've realized with every new thing I try I am hopeful. Incredibly, almost childlike-ly hopeful despite my attempt to deny, hide or repress it. Then, time after time, I am disappointed. Incredibly, aged-ly disappointed. And it wipes me out.
I moved to my new town outside of the city. Every factor surrounding the move was stressful and overwhelming but wonderful now that I've settled in. I really like it here. (Hope). I ventured out to an open mic. (Disappointed). I started my second semester of grad school. (Hope). Though academically both classes are going to be great, meeting people-wise...(Disappointed). I finished my freelance job in the city so now I'm working from home again which is both awesome and isolating. School is great for breaking the isolation...and yet I still manage to feel alone in any crowd. I know a huge part of that is in my head, but it's not like I'm the center of attention either.
And I hate that I'm complaining. But here is the only place I will let myself do it out loud so to speak. I don't want to spout this stuff to my friends and my best friend is going through her own depression now so I don't want to repeat my nonsense to her. I want to try to be a positive part of her life.
But I'm just so tired. Life tired. Post after post I say I'm tired and hope something will go my way personally speaking, how much longer can it go this way? I can't understand how my life has maintained this imbalance.
I finished the book- I liked it but it never delved into her deeper emotional state. And for some reason it makes me sad that I could have written the same book with my experiences (and wanted to) but always felt no one would have wanted to read it let alone publish it. Sort of like another little failure due to my amazing ability to inhibit myself. But I digress- Here is an interview with her where she does talk a little bit about how she feels. Her views on dating are exactly like mine, and yet I know she'll meet someone in the next couple years. She won't make it to 36 alone.
Most days I don't think about it too much...well, the days I'm busy anyway. It's all about time. When I have the free time the brain always goes back to my age and my being alone. Good thing school started again, I won't have time.
...
And despite being exhausted and disappointed I guess I have to admit hope is a good thing. If I lost it I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be long for this world.
I moved to my new town outside of the city. Every factor surrounding the move was stressful and overwhelming but wonderful now that I've settled in. I really like it here. (Hope). I ventured out to an open mic. (Disappointed). I started my second semester of grad school. (Hope). Though academically both classes are going to be great, meeting people-wise...(Disappointed). I finished my freelance job in the city so now I'm working from home again which is both awesome and isolating. School is great for breaking the isolation...and yet I still manage to feel alone in any crowd. I know a huge part of that is in my head, but it's not like I'm the center of attention either.
And I hate that I'm complaining. But here is the only place I will let myself do it out loud so to speak. I don't want to spout this stuff to my friends and my best friend is going through her own depression now so I don't want to repeat my nonsense to her. I want to try to be a positive part of her life.
But I'm just so tired. Life tired. Post after post I say I'm tired and hope something will go my way personally speaking, how much longer can it go this way? I can't understand how my life has maintained this imbalance.
I finished the book- I liked it but it never delved into her deeper emotional state. And for some reason it makes me sad that I could have written the same book with my experiences (and wanted to) but always felt no one would have wanted to read it let alone publish it. Sort of like another little failure due to my amazing ability to inhibit myself. But I digress- Here is an interview with her where she does talk a little bit about how she feels. Her views on dating are exactly like mine, and yet I know she'll meet someone in the next couple years. She won't make it to 36 alone.
Most days I don't think about it too much...well, the days I'm busy anyway. It's all about time. When I have the free time the brain always goes back to my age and my being alone. Good thing school started again, I won't have time.
...
And despite being exhausted and disappointed I guess I have to admit hope is a good thing. If I lost it I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be long for this world.
5 comments:
Hey QV, From your timeline, you seem like a very accomplished woman. You have a successful career, traveled to some exciting places, are super educated and have owned your own home (in a very expensive metropolitan area). You seem very goal-oriented, which is a good thing. Please don’t give up hope.
Thanks for sharing Kate’s video. I received her book, but have only gotten through the beginning so far where she talks about having crushes in elementary school (which I did not have). I give her credit for talking to the media about never having a serious relationship. I could never do this.
Thanks NHAB- I never thought of myself as being goal oriented, just a saver. But I guess in retrospect whenever I decided I wanted something I just saved or worked until I got it. I just wish this somehow translated into romance and companionship.
I give Kate major props for being so open with not just the people in her life but the judgmental public. I don't think I could do it either.
But who knows?
Thanks for the encouragement. Sometimes I really need it. :)
Sorry for an off-topic question, but I'm really interested in what you mean by problems with hypnagogia. The only hypnagogia I know is this state just before falling asleep with auditory and visual hallucinations, which I personally find fascinating, so I was wondering whether it has some different, negative meaning too?
Nil- The hypnagogia I experience is negative and happens either as I fall asleep or on the verge of waking up I guess though sometimes it feels random in the middle of the night. The visual hallucinations are extremely stressful and violent and the auditory ones are paranoid and completely mess with my mind. They mostly only occur when I am extremely emotionally stressed out.
Oh, sorry to hear that, I thought it's always something completely abstract, like some random word generator.
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