Behold Me

“Dreaming permits each and every one of us to be quietly and safely insane every night.” 

-William Dement

"...just as not dreaming forces us to be insane during the day."

-Queen Vee

About a month ago I finally decided I had had it with being exhausted all the time and I went to a sleep doctor. All my blood work was negative so I knew it was my sleep, or lack thereof, that made me feel zombie-like all the time.  I told her about the hallucinations while falling asleep, the teeth grinding, the body heat rising and generally waking up 5 times a night for no reason. I also told her the bad sleep issues began while I was living with Jean (12 years ago now), one of the most stressful and depressed periods of my life, and that the terrifying dreams came and went with the rise and fall of stress in my life eventually morphing into the hallucinations.

She said though I may not feel depressed or anxious at the moment, because I've been dealing with those things for so long it has affected my sleep patterns and now they are basically manifesting in my sleep. (I also talk, laugh and cry while sleeping.)  The prescription: 7 hours ONLY in bed and a (low dose of) xanax before bedtime. The 7 hours thing didn't work out- I was more a zombie than ever- so I made it 8 hours. The xanax is helping, I haven't had a hallucination since the first night I started taking it. And I'm doing my best to keep to the sleep schedule. So far so good, I feel better.

But it started me thinking about depression again, and I actually think though I don't feel like I'm depressed...I may actually be. My life...it's not that I've failed to live up to any sort of dreams I had for myself...but it's still not what I expected. In terms of men I guess. I never knew what I'd be when I grew up, but I always assumed I'd be with someone. I think I'm just having a really hard time understanding why, especially when it's so easy to look around at all the couples everywhere and compare myself. 

I mean, I know why I was single up until a year ago. But since then so much of my mental state has changed and yet I'm still in the same exact fucking spot I've always been.  I contacted three more guys online. One responded to an "I'm interested in you" sort of auto message on the site with "is that so?" WTF? I know he's probably just playing but I'm so not. Either you like my profile or you don't. (My BFF thinks I should have responded with that. She thinks a guy who wants a cool girl would think that was a great response. I'm not so sure.) I'm perfectly capable of matching your wit but not right off the bat. There's no way through email you'd be able to read my sarcasm without thinking I'm a bitch. One wrote back, yes let's get together! but when I wrote back to him (very short message asking what's up next week) he never responded again. For a moment there I got excited that I might have a date. And one just never responded period. At the moment I have the most respect for him. 

I realize online dating is not the be-all end-all but it's just so frustrating. Why do guys respond with interest and then drop you? I've been trying to go out to meet people too but that doesn't seem to be working all that well either. In the end though, face to face will be the only way it works. So I'm going to sign up for different art and music classes and do some living social outdoor sports stuff and just hope for the best. I took surfing lessons for this purpose. Surfing lessons. I was friendly and smiling and even though I'm no volleyball player I look decent in a bikini, but I didn't get a second glance. It really is depressing. 

I texted the BFF that I wasn't sure I believed in fate anymore. Life is what it is. She told me to stop depressing her. 

Maybe my confidence is too high. Is that possible for a single woman in her mid thirties? I know who I am, I'm aware of my faults and I like myself (for the most part). But none of this means I think I'm better than anyone else or that men should be falling at my feet. I do believe that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so therefore a person will always have someone else find them attractive. My question is where are the few that behold me? Why don't they speak up?

The husband of a good friend of mine visited the city for work awhile ago and we had dinner. I've known him a good number of years now so I asked him to be honest with me. I said, "what was your first impression of me?" He actually wasn't the best guy to ask because my friend had shown him a college video of me (before we met) and her being really silly for a class project. So he already knew that I had a fun side. He did tell me once that he thought I was the most together person he knew. Then he found out I was in therapy and on medication. Ha. So then I asked if he thought I was intimidating in general to guys. He said that wasn't the right word- he said I carried myself with confidence (which was cool) but also with a wounded air of sorts. He didn't say more but I'm guessing a wounded air is not something with which guys are interested in getting involved. In retrospect I'm not sure if he said this because he knows a little about how badly I've been hurt in the past, or if I really do still have a guarded default face. 

All I know is I'm trying and I'm frustrated. And possibly depressed. Again. It just shouldn't have to be this hard. It seems, and maybe it really is only seems, but it seems like it's not for most people. So now I'll have my tantrum and ask why is it for me?