I try to be honest with myself. I do. But in reading over my last post for the eight hundredth time many of my answers just don't feel quite right. I realize there are a lot of things I tell myself to make living life the way I do bearable. I escape a lot into movies, tv, music...my own imagination, because they make me feel without complicating my life. I have managed to scrape away all the drama in my every day existence to the point where I feel numb. Only that's not quite right either. It's more like the absence of drama and emotion makes for such an even keel there is nothing to feel. I look around me and have to admit that everyone I know is at an equal arms length away from me. Even my closest friends, whom I love and know would do anything for me, are just outside that line where disappointment remains just that instead growing into hurt or anger, the gut feelings behind disappointment.
Is that lack of trust in people doing it? Or have I just accepted that life means being disappointed and hurt and angry at times so I've armored myself against dealing with it? As strong as I like to pretend I am, I know that I have the potential to shatter.
I also know I have the potential to be melodramatic, at least internally. I'm pretty sure no one would say I behave that way.
So how do you reconcile feeling like you're unraveling with feeling like you're being overly dramatic? Like your problem is both huge and irrelevant?
I just don't know. I've made myself sad now. I'm going to go ponder why I ever thought isolating myself inside a small group of friends was ever a good idea.
5 comments:
Oh Vee, My profound sympathies - I'm at exactly the same point, and it really, really sucks. I too escape into movies, tv, books, fanfiction and my imagination - anything to feel the emotion without the fear/flight response. I don't know what the solution is - I'm pretty much at breaking point - tears every day, at the silliest, most cliche things - and absolutely desperate for someone to break through the arm's length barrier. I suspect from your last post that we work in similar industries, and I know exactly what you mean - lucky to be doing something we love, incredibly difficult to meet people to love.
I know it doesn't help much, but maybe knowing there's a similar soul over the other side of the atlantic going through pretty much the same thing might be a little bit of comfort.
Big, big hugs - hopefully we'll both find someone soon to give us the physical reality, rather than the cyber version. I feel as if I might just shatter soon unless i have some physical contact with someone.
Yes -- it seems like we're both riding the down wave today...or for me, it's been the last couple of days.
I get what you mean about feeling like you're unraveling -- and at the same time, knowing that other people who don't understand probably think that you're being melodramatic. You're the one who feels it's a huge problem, but you're aware that other people think it's not.
I actually thought today that if only someone could exist inside of my heart for even an hour, they'd get it.
thanks lady in waiting :) it does help to know there are others who understand this feeling or at least some version of it when it seems like no one around me does. hugs returned thousandfold! i don't know if you got my comment on your last post (it seems to have disappeared) but i thought it was great and you've given me a lot to think about. here's to our unusualness. ;)
ecrivain- i wonder what would happen if they ever did get it. would the face of love change? i can't help feeling like so many people settle and are practically unaware of it, so if they were to realize it all hell would break loose. the standard would change. i wonder if there'd be more lonely people, or if there'd be more true, true as in quality, love out there.
Dear Queen Vee, I am in exactly the same situation as you. It's really comforting to know that there is someone out there who feels like this too! I hope that things will get better for you
I think you should expand you network. Visit this free dating site and maybe, just maybe, you'll meet someone.
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