1. What are you the most scared of when it comes to finding someone?
Hmmm...that is a really hard question I think because I've come to realize that over the years it has actually changed, or possibly become a foundation I've built other fears upon. In the beginning it was purely sex. I was scared to death of getting an STD or worse, pregnant. Then it became my independence. I didn't want to give up my time to have to spend with anyone. Then it became about the relationship itself. Like you anom, I became completely insecure about never having had one, but for me the fear was more about my behavior. How do I act? What do I do? Can I say no to things? What's expected of me?
Now? It's most likely a combination of all of those things put together, but for the most part it's gone back to the sex. I know most people say it's an awkward act anyway and that you can't really do it wrong so to speak, but that doesn't change the fact that I still feel like I can. I'm nervous that it will hurt but ultimately I think I'm just scared I'm going to embarrass myself.
About the relationship itself though? I have to admit I will most likely play it cool until I'm ready to tell him that I don't have a line of ex-boyfriends. I consider it something intimate that he will have earned knowing and it will probably step the relationship up if he's not freaked out by it. Actually I'm sure the virginity thing will come up at the same time so in essence it's all a matter of timing. I think the reason revealing not only my virginity but my non-relationship status is not my number one fear (it's definitely still a cause of anxiety) is that I most likely won't tell him until I'm comfortable with him. And if we are that deep into it, I mean, if I trust him enough and he gets to know me well and that's when he walks away, c'est la vie. Yes, it will suck and probably hurt like hell depending on how deeply I feel for him, but if such a side note in what makes me me bothers him enough to end it, he's not good enough for me. That is his issue to bear, not mine. I refuse to be humiliated by it. But messing up sex? My cheeks are already burning. It's silly I know, isn't it?
2. Go out with that guy you just wrote about.
Put simply? No. Why would I do that? I already feel bad enough for not liking him, why would I get his hopes up by going out with him? It's cruel. I cannot help that I am not attracted to him. I may like him even more if I go on a date, but that would only makes things twice as hard when there's still no spark. I don't believe that sparks can grow.
3 . Have you tried internet dating? If so why did you stop? If not, what are you waiting for?
I signed up for a free one once, but I don't think it really counts as trying. I need to meet people in person, I have a hard enough time trusting as it is. Via the internet I trust no one. Possibly not even myself. It will never work for me because I don't trust it.
4. When walking down the street, what percentage of men fitting your general demographic (race, age, etc) do you find yourself attracted to? Trying to get a sense of how picky you are about looks. Furthermore, do you really think looks are everything?
My demographic? Like .05%. I am of mixed ethnicity and though I'm in NYC, it's not a melting pot so much as a quilt as they say. And I'm not particularly looking for a half-American half-Asian man...though I wonder if that would be a common bond to start building on. I did meet a half-Australian half-Asian boy and I asked for his number mind you, but it was because I thought he was cute and was attracted to him, not because of his ethnicity (though in retrospect it was nice to have something in common at first glance). Most of the time though I'm not even looking. I'm either on the way to or from work, not man-seeing. This is something I'm trying to break myself of so I can tell for myself if my chemistry really is messed up.
As for looks- they are relative like everything else you find attractive about another person. They are important as far as they spark some attraction in me. I went on a few dates with a guy I thought was absolutely gorgeous, but there was absolutely no mental attraction. On the other hand, I have one guy friend I am mentally in step with in almost every way, but I'm not physically attracted to him. And I actually think he's cute. So no, looks aren't everything. But in most cases unfortunately it's the first thing that will get my attention. My standards don't include things like must be tall and have brown hair, but I will admit those things will probably make me look.
5. Why havent you sought therapy for your issues? Ive had many dating related issues and this has helped me get through them. You state at the beginning of this blog post that you have issues with men, sex and relationships so why not work on them.
I went to a psychologist once for a couple months, after I finally got away from Jean and was struggling with yet another different kind of overwhelming friendship. Because they were both with women, I never got to the men part. At the time I was greatly embarrassed by it because I felt that my dumb men issues didn't merit needing a therapist. I'm still of that mind set because I'm stubborn and still believe that one day I will meet a man who I am attracted to and who is attracted to me and all of this will be moot. I think at times I blow this whole thing out of proportion, and I don't really have a problem with men, I have a problem with the expectation to have one, the game of finding one and my deep aversion to wasting my time when it could be better spent doing something that makes me happy. Perhaps my issues simply all stem just from never having had sex or a relationship, but I'm not going to just go out and do either of them just to 'get over it'. I realize neither of them are that big a deal, but why force myself to do things that don't feel right? I have more respect for myself than that.
6. How many men have asked you out on dates that you have denied? I dont mean random idiots on the street but say people that you knew in one capacity or another.
[I must preface with I don't get asked out a lot, but it's because I apparently don't make myself approachable. Guys are intimidated by me but I'm not totally convinced my body language is the reason why. No offense guys, but most of you are not that observant. My best friend told me years after we graduated from high school that she knew a handful of guys that liked me but never said anything. Why? I don't know. I couldn't have had the same body language that I do now. I was not so jaded then...]
Two. The first was in college. He lived down the hall and was very sweet. He surprised me one day by putting glow in the dark stars on my ceiling after I had seen them in someone else's room and said I liked them. At that point I was too scared of everything to actually date someone, especially someone on the floor where it could become very awkward. We ended up becoming good friends though and stayed that way until I stopped speaking to Jean.
The other was a few years ago. A man I worked with was let go and a few months later he sent me flowers. I always knew he kind of liked me, but he was twice my age and we had very little in common besides working for the same company. He understood and told me he had to give it a shot.
You forgot a few...
6a. How many have I said yes to?
To official date requests, that is to say he said the words "do you want to go out?" Four. I've been on a few other unofficial dates where it was just me and a guy but no one ever said the word 'date'.
6b. How many men have I asked out?
Two. The first was Dennis, that story is here. The second was Red, and that ended in disaster as we all know.
So I've actually come to a conclusion having gone back over the few number of men I've interacted with in a boy meets girl kind of way. It seems when I finally find a guy I am attracted to, in most cases I don't sit back and stare. I asked out two guys. Not many women can say that. I asked two other guys for their numbers. Well technically I gave Vincenzio my number, but it was before he asked for it so that counts. I got his in exchange. And the half-australian half-asian guy.
So I'm not afraid of dating it seems, because I want to do it when I find guys I'm interested in, I just don't want to date guys I'm not interested in. The problem is I have very limited exposure to new guys to be attracted to and want to date. And there it is. No wait, here it is. The problem is I have limited exposure to new guys to be attracted to because I don't enjoy being social and meeting random people at parties at bars, feel bad if/when I do meet a guy who is decent and clearly likes me but am not attracted to, still have some issues with the time commitment and overall don't have the energy or desire to get over myself and go be social at parties and bars, stop worrying about nice guys' feelings and being selfish with my time. I want him to find me and make time expand. Is that so gaddam much to ask?
7. What kind of work do you do?
Let's just say I consider myself extremely lucky to enjoy what I do. After 4 years of paying my dues, 3 of which I was a miserable mess, my professional life is at an all time high. I get to be creative and use the one talent I actually believe in to make a living. This is sometimes why I believe my personal life is out of balance (at least in my head). Can't have both or it would be too much, you know?
1 comment:
Hi V,
They anxiety of having little/no experience with sex and relationships will only lead to more anxiety and more fear the older you get. You are going to have to find the courage to break this vicious circle. Will it be awkward at first, will you be at risk of getting hurt and embarased? Yes and yes. But that's what's it going to take.
Let me tell you my story. I'm male and was once a 28 year old virgin. I was virgin not by choice and without sounding arrogant I'm good looking, althetic and smart. I could have bagged many girls if I wanted to. But I was so insecure and shy for reasons I'm not really sure...they kind of just fed on themsevles.
I was actually in a far worse position than you....I didn't even go on 1 single date....not 1! and I was 28! It was agonizing. But you know what? I got to the point where I said to myself "fuck it" (no pun intended) I'm tired of being affraid, shy and insecure. I'm going to face this head on and take chances. I'm going to break out of my shell and be bold. I know there's going to awkward momements, possible rejection and embarasement and my inexperience is going to show but (and this is important) the ONLY way to overcome lack of experience is to get experience and that means you are probably going to have to suffer I told myself (since you are female you probably won't have to suffer as much because the guy will be expected to take charge during sex...just tell him to take it slow).
I ended up meeting a girl on new years eve 4 years ago. We hit it off. She said our first date was the best 1st date she's ever been on and it did get quite hot and heavy on that date. I felt so proud of myself, but there was a big battle that lied ahead.
When we first tried having sex I couldn't get it up because of preformance anxiety....I lied to her saying that it had been a long time since I've had sex and I so I was nervous. It was the most humiliating thing that ever happened to me by far but it was something I knew could happen and something I would probably have to face....and I did. She was very understanding because she really liked me. I think I would feel the same way if I liked a girl who happened to be an "old" virgin.
On the next attempt I finally "did it". I wasn't very smooth to say the least but I never felt such relief in my life. I was pround of myself but little did I know that I would have to come to grips with the massive insecurities I still had.
I did something stupid. I found out where she kept her journal and I read it. I read about how her and her ex had great nights of sex. I never felt such intense feelings of jealousy in my life. It was so brutal I would get throbing headaches that lasted the whole day. It brought to light the insecurities I had. At the time I knew I wasn't half as good a lover as her ex was. But the only way to overcome that was by getting the opportunities to be lover.
I did eventualy confess that I was virgin. I suppose that I was fortunate in that I met a girl who really liked me and was patient with me, allowing me to get the experience I needed. I no longer have any insecurities about intimacy and I consider myself an expert at sex ;)
I ended up marrying the same girl who took my innocense.
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