Love and Evolution

Merriam-Webster consistently uses the word affection in its #1 definition of love. Affection is defined as a moderate feeling or tender attachment. What a way to bring the house down, huh?

I love you.
I have a moderate feeling for you too!

In my case I kind of expect love to be a combination of a great appreciation (and dare I say affection) for a person and an even greater desire to be with him (in more ways than one...don't be a perv!), among many other things I'm sure I have no idea even exist. But wanting to be with someone is not something I've ever really felt, and I don't mean sexually. I'm talking simply being in the same place at the same time as someone else for an extended period of time. Sure I have found people interesting enough to spend time with and I certainly find my friends interesting enough to hang out with, but when it comes down to it going home by myself at the end of every day is what I wanted. (That is not to say I didn't wish every day to meet a guy and fall in love at first sight, wiping away the whole internal war between the expectation to be with someone and wanting to be alone, because I did. Who doesn't want the idealized version of love?) That is something that I have only been able to fully admit recently because it is such a contradiction to a) society's (which includes friends and family) expectations and b) the influence of society's expectation on my own thought process. I truly believe that if everyone had left me alone I would not have experienced such a tortured transition when becoming an adult. And let's face it, lived a tortured existence while a teenager and a late 20 something too. Because jeez, who ever heard of a girl who actually wanted to be alone? (I found an old poetry journal of mine the other day...talk about dark and melodramatic! So filled with angst and anger, it's no wonder I was such a basket case!)

I think I've only recently been able to fully recognize it (I've always known it deep down, but questioned it too much to accept it) because as all things do, I'm evolving. Ok, that might be pushing it. I can really only hope that I'm evolving, but maybe I'm just aging. :) The need to be alone isn't as powerful as it was, though it is still obviously an important part of who I am. Had I met Red a year ago I would have already retreated to my corner, if I had responded to him at all. Now I think about spending time with him, putting aside those cherished nights to myself, and I don't hate the idea. I still struggle with it, but if he actually likes me in the long run I suppose he'll learn to respect/accept my needs in that way too. The fact that I'm thinking about him as a potential part of my life is pretty big. It's new territory for ms leave me alone. But this change I think has been coming for a while. Maybe I just needed time to prove to myself that I've made it as I am and can now open up to share it with someone else.

Red and I have hung out a couple times since my last post, always in our apartments. It kind of sounds bad, but it's not. It's been comfortable and every time we talk or hang out it's been fun and mutually initiated. I'm actually not worried about the casualness of it because if I'm reading him right I think he likes me, but if I'm wrong and he doesn't I'm ok with that. At least at this stage. We were actually supposed to have a kind of first date tonight, dinner on the town, but he ended up getting stuck at work. I managed to not get myself worked up about it during the day but I didn't hear from him at all so I started to think he was blowing me off. I chided him about it in a playful way when he finally contacted me. We are rescheduling for next week since I'm going out of town. I've been flirting...well, what I possess as a sorry excuse for the ability to flirt and it's been good. I suppose we're moving at a snail's pace but that's probably a good thing for me.

I haven't told anyone about him except my best friend kb. I debated on telling her because though I try my hardest not to let the opinions of others affect how I feel, I know that they can still sway me depending on who it is. Well that and I don't want anyone bothering me about it with questions about how things are going. Probably not a big deal for most people but because it's me, and everyone I know KNOWS I don't date, the questions would be endless.
Anyway, the HA'larious conversation went as follows:

qv: i have something to tell you but you have to promise promise promise not to bother me about it.
kb: ok, give me a minute. (she thinks) ok tell me.
qv: there's a boy i'm interested in.
kb: (pauses) ok, not what i thought it was going to be but ok this is good.
qv: what did you think i was going to say?
kb: one of two things...that you put a profile up online or...that...(trails off)
qv: that i'm a lesbian?
kb: yes!

I guess not even the ones closest to you can understand what goes on in your head. She knows me pretty well but I guess not well enough to know that if I was a lesbian I would have told her a long time ago. Course she probably thinks/thought I am/was repressing. But I digress. I laughed because I know pretty much everyone close to me thinks or has thought it and simply because I don't date and don't talk much about men in general. For all of our differences people still force each other into neatly understandable labels.

I told her about him and where I met him and her first reaction was to warn me. Really? Would I...ME...not be aware of the consequences of starting something with someone who lived in my building?? ME, who hasn't been attracted to or been comfortable around a guy since her junior year of college? ME, who imagines the end of every encounter before it even begins? I realize now her fear is more about the physical aspect (she's 4'11" and is always aware of her surroundings and potential threats) of having him so close, but still. I wanted a more enthusiastic response from her being that this entire situation is out of character for me. Or no, I shouldn't say out of character because I've never done it before so it's probably actually very much my character. I should say pushing limits, opening doors, exploring a new part of myself. But again, she thought I might be a lesbian so whatever. :)

But in tying this ramble back to my original thesis statement, to me love is like this tangible seeming intangible thing...something sparkly that glints in the sun from its place on the road but when you get to it to try to pick it up it has somehow moved further away...just quietly sparkling, waiting for you to come pick it up. I thought I'd feel it when I met the 'one'. Like the sparkle will be in his eyes and I'd just know it was for me. Perhaps one day I still will. I like Red and I want to get to know him better, but I wonder if love will ever enter the equation. I wonder if it will ever enter the equation for me with anyone. I suppose only time, that hard-hearted bitch, will tell.