How To Date A Non-Dater (Good Luck With That)

There are probably many things Ian Coburn knows how to do, but one of them for sure is how to tell a great story. His book about dating disasters is highly entertaining and quite informational. I definitely enjoyed the read. Check out his site godisawoman.net for some excerpts, blurbs and comments.

"It's a game. To date, one has to play; it's not a choice. If people don't play, they don't date."
-Ian Coburn

And so the reason for my dateless existence is explained. This is something to bear in mind when reading my reactions, because I feel it puts me in a different category than most of the audience for his book. Perhaps I'm wrong, but I feel like most people don't mind dating, or at least actually try or want to try to do it, and so by reading this book can enjoy and identify with his trials and errors. I didn't take away the thought that dating was something I could be successful at, it was more of an oh my god I'm never, ever dating kind of feeling. I just really, really don't want to play. But in his defense, I kind of felt that way before I started reading.

So aside from enjoying his stories, I had two general reactions. One of which, the feminist one because you had to know I'd have one, was to notice the pointed physical description of every female, simply said breast size and ass shape (with some hair color and leg length thrown in for good measure). What saves him from my wrath is his observation of their personalities as well as my understanding who his target audience is. (Other guys who need visual representations in order to fully appreciate the situation...I'm guessing.) Well, that and the fact that you can tell while reading that he is a genuinely good guy who actually does care about women and what they're feeling. That alone puts him way above the rest. (Any man who respects a woman enough not to take advantage of her when she passes out right before the deed is done, even if she really wanted it too, is a stand-up guy. This is of course how all men should be. Sadly it is not.)

But as I just previously stated, the fact of the matter is I'm coming at this book with the baggage of not just not being in the game, but not really wanting to be in it either. His understanding of the game and how to play it is detailed and eye-opening for those people who never really thought about just listening to the person they're trying to get to know (and perhaps bed). I know that the women he picks up are also playing the game, but my second reaction is one of discomfort. I don't know if he'd be able to read me like he does other women, but if he figured me out I'm sure his approach would probably work and I'm not sure that sits well with me. I don't really want to be played, even if it is with the intention of getting to know me. I'm sure it's because that stupid suspicion that has been ingrained in me since birth changes the latter part of that thought into the intention to get in my pants. How messed up is that? How will I ever meet a guy if I refuse to allow him any kind of approach? I'm know I'm looking at it the wrong way, that is, he's figuring me out so he can get his game on rather than he likes the look of me and is figuring out how to approach me in a way that will get my attention. That said, I'm clearly I'm the kind of woman he'd probably avoid anyway because apparently he can't win no matter what he does. Ha. My lengthy singledom is pretty much self-explanatory, no?

It occurs to me skimming through it again that a lot of what he says is common sense. It's just that people let their issues get in the way. Ian of course says it better: "There are a lot of walls out there in the dating world that people build around themselves. The irony is most people don't need them, they just chose to build them." He goes on to say guys take dating for granted- there will always be someone else to hit on. I venture to say for most women the walls are used as protection. One glaringly bright example is myself. I can't meet guys because I'm too suspicious to let them meet me. Omygod that sounds so deranged but it's true! In my defense I don't like bars (where most guys' intentions are suspect) and as much as I enjoy being alone, don't really like attending events by myself (where I probably could meet a decent guy). I always see things in the paper I'd like to go to but don't and just end up thinking I would have gone if I had someone to go with.

He also talks about how dating should be fun and I agree. It's just that there's too much pressure (mostly self) for it to actually be fun, for both parties involved. The minimal experience I have had has not been fun at all. My response to it now is pavlovic. Avoid! Run! Escape! It's ironic because though I can be a real homebody, when I do go out I can be quite fun! I love to travel and get lost and see sights, I love live music and new things and will try anything once (ahem...a lot of things. Many things. There are obviously some exceptions, ok?) I love diner food and chatting the time away, I'm always the first one with a ridiculous joke or to somehow make an ass of myself. So why can't I see dating as fun rather than akin to surgery without anesthesia? Show me how to date without feeling awkward, hurting anyone's feelings, worrying about impressions, worry about intentions...and I'll play a few games of operation with you. Maybe I'll even let you win.

At heart I guess I'm a house cat. I want to be picked out by someone I'm also attracted to and I want to be loved but only when I want to be. I say again. Deranged.




At least I have a sense of humor about it. :)