I'm so disappointed in myself (that old familiar feeling). I keep talking a good game about how I'm going to change things, and then I go and blow off a party (i.e. social gathering with males in attendance). My friend totally knew I was lying when I called to say I wasn't coming because of a stomach ache. I know some of the people that will be there, but not well and I don't feel like feeling awkward. Granted it would only be for a few hours, I just can't muster the energy to go. And I want to kick myself.
Why am I so tired? That was supposed to dissipate after all the stress of trying to buy this apartment went away.
Why can't I change my aversion to parties? Is that just something I need to accept and figure a way around?
I'm sick of this war between believing in fate and believing I make my own. This clash between knowing I'm fine alone and wanting to share my life with someone and being unable, or possibly afraid, of letting it happen. Of actual change.
Am I actually afraid of the change I've been blabbing on about? Ogod.
I'm sick of me.
Can I trade brains with someone for a while?
2 comments:
maybe try not to stress too much bout how that party is a place to meet men? maybe you'd feel better if you thought of it as just hanging out with some friends. and if all else fails, i suggest drinking to avoid feeling awkward haha!
I know exactly how you feel. I always avoid social situations because I hate that awkward feeling I get afterward. I think to myself. I do want to change but is it worth that feeling. I just hate it so much I usually avoid it, but then I feel miserable because I don't do anything. It's a vicious cycle.
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