Standing Still

I'm so tired. The exhausted kind of deep in your bones tired. I tell everyone it's because of this apartment thing and how stressful it is. The tired part of my exhaustion is definitely because of it. But the zombie-like going through the motions part is the overwhelming emotional coaster that starts in numbness, ends in numbness, but steamrolls through sadness, contentment and the crushing need to ignore it all on a daily basis. The question of 'what is it I'm meant to do' I was able to give up long ago in order to be happy with what I was doing, so why can't I do the same with how I'm meant to live my life? Why is that one so much harder to reconcile with how I'm living it?

I cried watching the news this morning. It happens every year. I only need to hear the newscasters mention the times the planes hit the towers to begin, and then full on streaming tears when the names are called out. And every year I hear a little tidbit from a speaker about a family member who perished before I have to turn it off, and it's always someone I've never heard about before. Today it was a man who the family member said used to collect left over food after business meetings to bring to homeless shelters. I think I actually felt my heart break.

The day after my watch stopped a few months ago, I stopped wearing one altogether. It's nice not to be so concerned with the time. But what if I wake up 50 one day with one devastating regret?

Why have I never loved someone?

Maybe I just need to stop pretending that because I'm ok alone, I can forget that life would be so much grander if I had someone to share it with.

I need to move. I need to be moved. And it has to happen soon...