The Tide

"Save me
From the ranks of the freaks
Who suspect they could never love anyone"
-Aimee Mann

I went to visit my BFF and her baby boy recently. As you know from my previous posts I've been tired and listless lately, but I wanted to see them so I made the effort. She was really excited for me to come, but I'm not fooling myself. I knew that 80% was because it gave her a break from the baby (her husband watches him when I'm around) and 20% was to actually see me. Maybe 70/30. At any rate I know that I'm a kind of distraction so I try to act the part. Admittedly I was using the visit as a kind of distraction myself, so all's fair. She's always been extremely perceptive of changes in my behavior, but I figured she's been so cooped up and depressed about her life lately that she wouldn't really notice. I tried but I couldn't muster a lot of energy. We drove out to the mall, something I haven't done in ages so it was fun and a nice change of pace for me. I usually hate shopping to begin with, but lately it seems I can't even find staples that I like so it makes it ten times worse. There is nothing remotely wearable out there (if you have any taste that is). Everything is either uglier than sin or doesn't fit in any way shape or form. It's depressing.

Anyway, I found myself kind of slowly going down throughout the afternoon. Maybe being with her reminds me of how I was when I was a teenager (we've been friends for 17 years) and how nothing has really seemed to change for me since then regarding my alone-ness. I'm not unhappy where I have landed, and in terms of career and friends and location I'm where I want and thought I'd be. It's just that one aspect that always drags me down. Perhaps it really just comes down to not reaching a long time goal, finding love with someone I connect with on such an intense but comfortable level, that makes me feel I have somehow failed. Maybe more so myself than anyone else's expectation.

During the course of our conversation she asked if I thought I'd ever get married. I kind of stumbled over a reply that came out something like 'well I'd like to you know'. And then she changed the subject. There was no lead in into that question either so it struck me as kind of odd, not that she asked because we talk about this all the time, but how it came and went with no explanation. She went on to talk about going to her college reunion, which I realized will be 10 years for me too next year.

QV: Can you believe we've been out of school for 10 years? it will be 15 for high school soon!
BFF: No. Well, yes when I look at (my husband) and grad school and the baby and where we've lived-
QV: (suddenly very aware of how little has changed for me) yeah...
BFF: We're also going to the benefit at (our high school) next month.
QV: Really?
BFF: I think it'll be a lot of fun with (the baby).
pause.
QV: (suddenly very sad) I just don't want to get involved.
BFF: With the benefit?
QV: With the benefit, with...everything in general. (pause) I think I may be kind of a little bit depressed.
(we both laugh a little)
BFF: I'm naming my first album that. Maybe kind of a little bit depressed.
QV: You know what I mean though. It's not debilitating, it's just there all the time-
BFF: Why?
QV: ...I don't know
BFF: Of course you do. People who know they're depressed usually know why they just have a hard time admitting it-

I hate that she's always right. She works in the field so there's a reason for her always knowing, but her knowing that and knowing me, she knows why. She just wants me to say it so I can make the problems real by saying them. Or at least get started on recognizing them so I can try to figure out what to do to change things. So I think anyway.

I wanted to say I'm just so sad, but I knew if I tried to make a sound at that moment it would only come out as a sob. I turned my head and looked out the window to hide my eyes glassing over. She said 'it's a lot of pressure, doing all you've done by yourself'. That made the tears sting even more. I'd never thought of it like that. Since I was a kid I've put more pressure on myself than anyone in authority ever could. I wanted to do well in school, I wanted to be a good friend, I wanted to be the peacemaker among peers, I wanted to make my parents proud. I earned myself the start of an ulcer when I was 16 because of it. I've learned to relax since then...albeit only a little here and there, but maybe that pressure to be all that I wanted to be is finally caving in on me. I have everything I want, except one thing: someone to share it all with. In terms of self-pressure, that's a heavy load of disappointment in myself.

BFF: Do you think you should get some help? (she asks for the third time)
QV: (opening the car door) Yeah, not going to happen. (shuts the door and peers through the window) I'm not yet sitting on the edge of the bed staring at the wall. When that happens you can call for help.
BFF: (laughing) Right. Ok it's a deal.

On the train home I couldn't hold them back anymore and I let a few tears slip down my face. There is an all encompassing sadness that can envelope you in a public place and make you feel invisible if you just turn your head toward the window. Inside the tears are weighted with self-pity and sadness, out there they just water the grass. Oddly enough, sometimes remembering how small a grain of sand I really am makes me feel a little better. What seems so big deflates a little and the sadness eventually ebbs.

Here's hoping the next flow doesn't crush me.