"I don't wanna be nobody's fool
I've played that part so many times before
How I long to be a shadow on the wall
I will make no sound at all
And when the sun goes down
The shadow on the wall
It cannot be seen at all"
-Brandi Carlile
According to an online dictionary "FAITH" is: 1 a: allegiance to duty or a person : loyalty b (1): fidelity to one's promises (2): sincerity of intentions
I think I've just realized why I feel numb so often. Aside from the constant routine of my daily life, which lately is very simply comprised of rising, eating, going to work, coming home, eating, going to sleep, I think I've lost my faith in people. (Or reversely, faith in myself to trust people?) So much of how we interact with others is based on faith. From every day acquaintances and co-workers to deep bonded friendships and relationships, our expectations of the people around us are that they b(1) will keep their promises no matter how big or small and (2) are sincere in how they act toward you. The bottom line being that they will not screw you over. When you think about it, this is a pretty amazing quality. The problem is, people fail. It's only human I guess. But I think my problem is that I've taken extra precautions to safeguard myself against feeling the effects of broken expectations.
I like to pretend that I'd be able to handle it if one of whom I consider to be a good friend where to somehow betray me at this point in our friendship. But deep down I know it would devastate me despite the wall that would immediately try to block it all out. This admittance is actually encouraging because it means I'm not as numb as I think I am. But...that wall...since I built it (which would be right after realizing my fault in the debacle with Jean) I just can't seem to take it down. It's become such a part of my life I don't even see it anymore, but I can feel it whenever someone new comes into my life and I can only see them at a distance. The odd thing is, no matter how much I reveal about myself (which admittedly is not usually a lot) I feel no closer. It's like a reflexive anesthesia to new people that makes me not care if they come or go no matter how much I like them. And often old people! Case in point, D. We were pretty good friends for a long while, granted the distance between us made it hard to really connect as we might have if we saw each other every day, but when he stopped writing it was almost like I didn't even care.
How have I come to be so cold?
Maybe with D it was more of an understanding that he had to let me go because I wasn't what he wanted me to be. I don't know, is it maturity that allowed me to just be ok with that? With losing a friend so that he could move on? Or is it this numbness? And even with my good friends...when the little expectations are sometimes broken (because after all we're all human, including myself) I still feel that wall, despite having actually allowed them into my heart. That sounds like a huge contradiction but no one ever said emotions were rational.
Though I've felt this numbness in the past, I think my present situation is acting as a magnifying glass over it. I've been under contract for a place to live for 6 months now, and during that time I've begged out of a lot of social gatherings because I want to save money. Of course, 6 months ago I did not know it was going to be 6 months and I'm starting to go stir crazy. I still don't have a close date because not all the paperwork and inspections are done and I just want to scream my bloody head off. I knew going in there was potential for it to take this long, but I apparently overestimated my virtue of patience.
I realized a while ago that I have placed a lot more on this move than just the expectations of a new residence. It has become a kind of symbol for change that I ultimately want to effect in my life. It will not only be a new place to live, but a new commute to work, new grocery stores to shop, new restaurants to eat in and so along with the physical change of pace I have it all worked out in my mind that I'm going to start doing things I always say I'm going to do but never do. Like exercise, see the sights, maybe join a club, get a cat and overall just get out more. I think living on my own will help this because there will come a moment, despite treasuring my alone time, when I will have had enough of myself and will want to be social.
But in the meantime, it feels like I've put my whole life on hold. Not going out, not spending money, freaking out about still not having a set date to which I can look forward to changing it all. It's such a nightmare. So I think I've kind of tried to numb myself to this now too. It's the only way I can relax about it. So I get up, I eat, I go to work, I come home, I eat, I go to sleep. All the while not really having to feel any way about any thing...It's been that way for too long now, so to break it up I did a somewhat impulsive thing and planned a little road trip next weekend with a friend. My last single friend in fact. It should be fun and a very welcome change to sleepless nights and tired days. For just a moment, I can take my life off hold.
But I wonder about this numb feeling...though I do think it's been magnified by what's happening in my life right now, the fact that it has been around for a while worries me. If I can't overcome this lack of faith in people, or in myself to trust people, how will I ever let someone in to share my life? I can only hope...another word for faith I suppose, that when I do meet someone I feel any kind of connection with he will somehow get in when I'm not looking. He will have to be quick whoever he is. And while I'm addressing him directly, where the hell are you? Don't you know you have some numbness to break though?
4 comments:
What you call "numbness", I call emptiness...and that's how I've been feeling in the last couple of days.
Sometimes, though, I'm not sure what's worse: feeling lonely and depressed or feeling dead inside.
And, like you, I wonder if it's the routine that I've found myself slipping into.
what you mentioned, sounds just bout classic me. i think i've lost faith and learnt how not to trust such that i'm always trying to protect myself from being hurt. i'm friendly and all that on the outside but it's hard to really know me. once you get past a certain point, there's a wall that i've put up.
i too like to pretend that i would be able to handle whatever disappointments that come my way regarding my friends and "relationships" but the truth is that i don't always handle it well. and i just put up another wall to deceive myself that i'm okay and block out all the hurt and pain.
i've been trying to open my heart more, learning to break down that wall. but the scary thing is when i feel like i'm really opening up to someone and the person tells you that you're private and cryptic. if that is already someone i feel like i'm being really open to, then what bout everyone else? how did my open-ness still be viewed as private?
ecrivain - i used to feel empty...i'm not sure how but i've come to draw a line between emptiness and numbness. i have bouts of passion and happiness, even occasional sadness, but once passed I fall back to numbness. feeling empty and dead inside is definitely worse i think...but you know, i can't help but feel like once the routine is broken somehow, hopefully by something positive, the emptiness/numbness will subside. i hope your trip does it for you.
jo- i wonder if it's that we're kind of...ultra-sensitive to the world and people around us and because they are not and often disappoint/hurt us, becoming numb is all we can do to protect ourselves. there are two answers i can think of for your finally being open and still being perceived as being private- they don't know you well enough to know you are revealing yourself or you're not revealing enough for them and their comfort level. the fact that you are trying shows that you can, so have faith. :)
Once I read a book (Papillon) where the main character, in a dream, sees itself in a Tribunal. He doesn’t know why he’s there. Then, the judge rise and say: “You’re here accused of wasting your life!” This scene haunts me ever since as an example of what the “numbness” I feel could lead me one day, if things don’t change. Although I actually try to engage socially as much as I can I feel this void growing, often right in the middle of a party or in a happy event.
Despite that I think we all must pursue the endeavor no matter what. Yes, there is this wall around us that we built for protection but sometimes i feel that it has become a prison. Speaking honestly the only way to tear it down is, I think, with a good deal of impulsive gestures to help to get us out of this “limbo” that’s freaking us all. But perhaps I just think this way because what I feel inside is something like the exact opposite of “emptiness” that Ecrivain is talking about, which is as bad.
Yes, opening my heart to someone is like rolling a dice, but I’ll take a chance, again and again, like African farmers do year after year, sowing their fields because not to do that it is just not an option. My “crops” will attract a swarm of “grasshoppers”? More then once I saw them remorseless “eating” it, but I am confident that someday it could also surprise me in a good way. I have to.
“Follow your own advices” you could say after reading my words. But then something very much like what Jo described also happens to me: the others just don’t “see it”.
I’m trying. I really am. Something has to give: me or my loneliness.
Happy Labor day to you all.
Enjoy you road trip, QV!
Rpt
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