I am on the opposite end of the spectrum when it comes to relationships based on need. I can't even imagine what that's like. The mere thought of depending on someone for my happiness makes me want to vomit (though that's not to say I would reject someone who could add to my happiness). So I guess I have to put myself in their shoes for a moment to understand how they could not understand that being alone and responsible for my own happiness is not as hard as it seems. Or even weird as many see it. The only reason why being in the shoes I'm actually in is better, is because one day I will be in a relationship and it won't be based on need. That's comforting for me because in order to fulfill need you have to take and when one side takes too much...Not that want is any less mutable, but at least I can hope for a maturity level that will view something such as a companion for life as an important want to contemplate.
The reason I am alone has most definitely changed over the years from fear to independence to depression to yearning for love, etc etc etc. Despite all the fancy articles written by people who are no doubt no longer virgins and scientifically researched (read: virgins polled on why they're still virgins) by corporations that don't really care (after all, what kind of a consumer does a virgin make regarding the sex industry? chastity belts?), no one has an answer for why older virgins (who aren't hard-core religious or in some way repellent to the opposite sex) exist. Or at least, the right answer. They all like to think they do, with the terms they coin i.e. involuntary virgin or sociopath, but it really seems like they're just trying to label us in order to understand us. We're a freak show they're watching under the big top. How did they get that way?
Ok so in reality I haven't read that many articles on virginity because I'm not really interested in the media's opinions about it. It is very disheartening to read quotes from assholes who are freaked out by virgins, I admit. Like every one of us is going to fall in love with and start stalking the first guy we sleep with just because he's the first guy we sleep with. (And vice versa for male virgins.) For all my posts about wanting to be in love, I'm not naive enough to believe my first time will a) be with someone I love wholeheartedly (it would be nice, but I'm not a fool) or b) make me fall in love with him or him with me. It's also irritating to read the latest theory about why I am the way I am wrapped up in a neat little new term. I also admit I fell for one of them when I read the involuntary virgin article on salon.com. I even blogged about it a while ago because I was actually excited to label myself for a moment. It makes me feel icky just thinking about it. When it comes down to it, for me it feels like they are the ones making the big deal about it, not me.
You might argue that a blog dedicated to the very subject would prove otherwise, but why did I start this in the first place? Because people were making me feel weird about being single and society was making me feel weird about being a virgin. I needed anonymous therapy to feel better. My only expectation of myself is to fall in love (which would eventually lead to the nixing of singledom and virginity) and it hasn't happened yet. Why is it so strange to have opted not to put love aside in order to fulfill the other two? Or should I say, to have just settled in order to fulfill the other two? Being in a couple and having sex makes you a "normal" adult but waiting for love (or at the very least some kind of real attraction) makes you weird?
I recently received an email from someone who had this to say (I hope he does not mind if I quote him):
"I think all human beings search for perfect love in one way or another. The difference is that, somehow, the majority finds "consolation prizes" or "silver medals" and grabs them in order to at least have a taste of paradise. But I fear...in our case we are aiming for the top prize and so we must be prepared to pay...Romanticism, loneliness, sadness are the price we pay for our…superior taste."
This is exactly the mode I have transitioned into...waiting for the top prize, complete with romance and passion. :) The fears of relationships and intimacy are still there, but have moved to the back burner so to speak. I have complete faith that when I meet someone I am interested in and attracted to, the fears will eventually dissipate. I know this because when I meet someone I am interested in and attracted to, I will actually want a relationship and intimacy. (I realize romance may be a side order, but if I'm already hoping for the gold...) It's the meeting someone part I am having a hell of a time with. It's not like I don't think about just going out and sleeping with the first guy who takes a second glance, but it wouldn't help any of the other issues. Though it might help with the panic I'll probably feel the first time I do it, having sex won't help me learn how to get into a relationship. I don't meet a ton of new people every day but yet I'm ok with waiting until our paths cross. Perhaps that's leaving too much to fate, perhaps it's just dumb. I don't know. But I do know a lot of people meet in the course of their every day lives, not actively attempting to meet people.
I'm a 30 year old virgin. I am the way I am because that's just how it happened. So be it. There are worse things I could be.
9 comments:
What's the harm in actually trying to seek a relationship? You know like eharmony or something?
No offense to jgo, but...you know what? When I read this post, I actually thought, "I want to be more like QV. She's cool -- she's okay with who she is and she makes no apologies for it."
Don't gag, but there was this Oprah episode I watched awhile back and one of the guests said something about how "real" people are those who are genuine and authentic to who they are...and that's what makes them such great individuals...and to me, that's totally you.
While I get the sense that sometimes (okay, often), I allow myself to get mired in how shitty I feel about being a virgin and being single, you actually seem like someone more intent on living her life the best way she knows how.
So, I think you totally rock and you're an inspiration.
i don't even know how to comment on this 'coz you brought up so many great points and insights that just wow-ed me.
I’m with jo about this post. It summarizes the main issues in and around our loneliness and the weirdness of the situation vis-à-vis with the “normal” crowd. But I’ll try to comment it as wisdom come from shared experience:
“It's the meeting someone part I am having a hell of a time with”. You bet, QV! Is not that I don’t like meeting other people but I have real issues with that activity called “seduction”, which seems a mandatory step of the process of “meeting someone”. I don’t like the word; it reminds a glorification of “lying” and “deceive” and, perhaps as a result of always leading to a rejection after my efforts, the word means to me “being in a very uncomfortable situation”. And as a male (no matter what “Sex & the city” say) it is expected that i ought to take the first step.
Be a man! They shouted once when I was about seventeen (I will never forget this)…
Yes, I do think we shouldn’t feel ashamed with our condition, as some kind of modern lepers. We’re people, for God sake! To end virginity it takes two people and if we have our “faults” in order to allow this to happen there’s also – I am convinced – a lot of “blame” to be share with others. Sounds arrogant? Probably. Although not my intention, for sure. If this blog is also about “anonymous therapy” as QV said, I’m just kicking the imaginary collective ass of those “normal” people out there that – by deserved merit, no doubt – had managed to succeed in those two, after all, very normal and human things, known as sex & love.
Good for you, people: but the blood inside my veins is as reddish as yours.
Thank You. Now I am a little more relieved… (Today i woke up in the wrong side of the bed as they say in my country),
Ps: don’t worry about the author of the quoted text, QV. Probably (after blushing) he felt very proud of been quoted by you…;)
Rpt
To four of my most valued readers: thank you so much for coming back to read me and to comment! I truly appreciate everything you guys write, and though I don't often comment on your blogs, I'm there, making sure we're all still surviving.
jgo - I know you're pulling for me- I can tell that every time you read of post of mine you think, why can't this chick just get over herself and get out there? As you are left to wonder at my somewhat anti-social ways, I am left to wonder how you're able to not be anti-social. There is absolutely nothing wrong with trying to seek a relationship, in any way. In fact it is something I strive for, but I'm just not willing to do something that feels forced- like online matchmaking. I have the utmost respect for people who do do it and can find people that way, but my suspicious nature hinders any chance of that being a reality for me. That's what I mean by forced- I'm not comfortable with it. But you never know, things could change. If there's one thing I've learned about myself, it's that sometimes change happens without me even knowing it. I catch on and catch up a little later. But it's all good. One day this will work in my favor.
ecrivian - That's absolutely one of the greatest compliments I've ever received, so thank you. It took me quite a while before getting to this point- ie the whole Jean episode and then the whole friend after Jean episode. I spent so much time trying to be something else for someone else I forgot about myself. It was only after I cut myself off from everyone for a while, examined who I was and who I wanted to be, that I was able to start on this road to self acceptance. My brother was actually the catalyst for that mode of thought, though he called it self-love. :) I made a conscious effort to stop saying sorry all the time, be truer to myself and quit trying to be what people wanted, and as ridiculous as all this sounds (in a similar vein to that Oprah episode) it worked. Slowly but surely I felt like myself again and pretty much vowed to never let anyone take that from me again. God I sound like a self-help book but it's all true. Don't get me wrong, I still have bad days where I feel shitty too about a lot of different things, but ultimately I know I've got to live with me for the rest of my life and if I don't like who I am, it's going to be a miserable, long-ass journey. And who wants that?
jo - Even so I'm glad you commented. It still feels good to know there are others who can understand or at least sympathize. :)
rpt - Seduction does seem like somewhat of a false start. I think if someone I didn't know tried to seduce me I'd laugh. Actually I'd probably wonder what the hell he was doing. I like to think of it as something people who know each other well do in the name of foreplay. Or what femme fatales do to squeeze money out of unsuspecting men. (Do you think I watch too many movies?) I suppose you could view "courting" as a type of seduction, but to me it's a much longer, more involved way to get know someone...and eventually sleep with them I guess. At least it rings truer because you have to show more of your real self over time. If you can fake it for that long just to get sex there's something wrong with you. I suppose there are women out there who go for being seduced by strangers but I'd much rather he sit down and say something like, ok I saw you from over there and decided to come over here in the hopes that we'd somehow get into a conversation but I can't think of anything to say so you start. At least I could laugh and I'd know he was genuine. But in a way I guess that counts as being seduced. He got my attention, and that was the point wasn't it? So you are right, the first time you meet someone you like, I guess no matter what you actually call it, you have to seduce them to at least be interested enough to pay you attention. That's a lot of pressure on guys I will give you that. (But I must say if and when a guy I'm interested in appears, I will most likely make it abundantly clear I'm interested short of 'seducing' him myself. I've done it before!) But in the end, it's really about chemistry (I include intellect in that as well, because if a guy is hot but can't put a coherent sentence together I'm immediately turned off) and this kind of chemistry...well, it just kind of seems like a throw of the dice. But then again, that's probably just me. And we all know my chemistry meter is running waaaay low. What is UP with that?
Amen Queen Vee!
This post really hit home for me. I've also been a reader of your blog for the past few months and have to say YOU ROCK! I started a blog of my own to talk about my own 26-year-old virgin-ness because it seems like most people in our society just don't seem to understand. I even bought the domain name neverhadaboyfriend.org to see just how many women like me out there exist.
I was raised with the notion that one should focus on what they have instead of what they don't have. Or like Sheryl Crow simply sang "It's not getting what you want, it's wanting what you've got."
Yes, there are a lot of women out there who fear being alone. I know plenty of them. And they usually stay in bad relationships because to them it's better than being alone. Being alone has never bothered me, but there is still a social stigma attached to it. All my life I've been told how weird I am because I'd rather be alone that with someone I don't like.
It's about embracing who we are and being like your title says "I am what I am."
bout the whole seduction thing... i've realised that i much prefer the slighly nervous guys who don't quite know what to say 'coz they like you (or at least want to get to know you better) rather than the smooth operators. those players never really did much for me. probably 'coz in the back of my mind i imagine that they are trying to sweet talk their way to every other girl's pants and well... that's not quite the way i roll.
ryc: thanks so much for your birthday wishes :)
Hi, I randomly discovered this blog, and what a find! You have a really unique take on the world and on relationships in particular. I hope you find someone special who can appreciate that.
I feel like I'm reading about myself in your blog. I'm at the age where most of my friends are starting to get engaged and married, whilst I have never even had a boyfriend. But I'm really okay with that. I have an active social life and always keep myself busy but have embraced singledom as my natural state.
Sure we get singletons get lonely sometimes, but you might not have achieved all that you have if you had been in a relationship. You should be enormously proud of doing all you have on your own.
Kudos.
This is a really cool blog. I never knew there would be so many people like myself and as I read the comments it seems clear we're all on our own for different reasons. I don't mind being alone, and it seems to me the only stigma about it is the erronous notion that being 'alone' is undesirable. As Dino said: "You're no one till somebody loves you" -- but then again, Dino was lonely no matter how many women he marked as 'his'. Power on QV -- your blog is awesome.
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