"I've Given Up On You,"

the horse's mouth said.

What an odd saying.

But as it just so happens, that's where I heard it from:

It began as it usually does with us gossiping about family matters, the latest being another wedding. The conversation inevitably turned to me, not in an antagonizing way which it might seem written out, but in a way that made me laugh at my mother's logic and how she tries to talk herself into believing things when she clearly doesn't.

Mom: My friends always ask if you've found someone yet. I say no, but she found a place to live! That's what I tell them now.
QV: Oh?
Mom: Yes. I've given up.
QV: What does that even mean?
Mom: I have, I've given up on you.
QV: You have not given up on me finding someone.
Mom: You're not even looking!
QV: You know, you played a very big part in me being this way. What about all those years of, "you have to be self-sufficient"?
Mom: Well it's true! I was always worried about that...if something happened to your father what would I do? I wanted you to be able to support yourself if something happened to your husband.
QV: Can we talk about how insanely contradictive you are? You raised me on routine lectures about boys only wanting one thing and about being independent and then when I become a successful, single woman you complain? You were ahead of your time and yet completely stuck in it at the same time. You created a headstrong feminist without ever burning a bra.
Mom: I created a girl who just doesn't want anyone to invade her free time.
QV: That too. Now can you please just be happy with your masterpiece?

Brutal

A reenactment of the inner monologue/conversation I had with myself last night after letting the engagement of one of my youngest cousins sink in.

.........so e's engaged. what is she, 20? what's wrong with me?
you did not just ask that.
i did, didn't i?
you're just particular.
that is extremely irritating. stop it.
what?
evading the issue by attributing it to a quirky character trait.
seriously? evading? i've beaten this horse past its afterlife at this point.
you're right. apparently there is a comfort in beating this particular horse.
can we stop talking about beating dead horses?
you started it with your whole waa waa still single-
don't say it-
why won't-
i said don't say it-
anyone-
stop!-
love me?
i hate you.
oh please. you know damn well you're right where you want to be.
and where's that?
happily single and content to complain about it internally while maintaining a mysterious air so no one knows what really goes on.
can you please shut up?
you know i'm right.
i'm going to sleep now.
but you don't have any milk for your cereal tomorrow morning.
dammit! i also have to go to the bank and cvs to get soap.........

Is it still any wonder?

Fighting The Demagnetizing Affect

or How Left Brain Is Ruining My Life

There is a guy I occasionally work with who has suddenly come into view. He's one of those behind the scenes people who makes my job easier when they're on the ball, and harder when they get swamped and can't get to everything. The woman who used to work with him quit, so he has in effect taken over my 'account' if you will. I don't believe we've ever had a formal introduction, but I see him more often now and we know each other.

Anyway, the point is, I can't even tell you how long I've known him but in the last week or so I've suddenly found myself thinking about him. A lot. I don't know anything about him, except what comes at first glance.

1) he seems pretty mellow and soft-spoken (probably what made me take notice)
2) he's really cute
3) he's younger than me (early twenties?)
4) he's smaller than me (at least, I think. I'm usually sitting down when he comes by. At any rate, I usually go for the really tall, lanky guys. He's around my height or shorter but still lanky.)
5) um...I'm having quite a few lustful thoughts about what I'd like to do to him (though I probably wouldn't know how to carry any of it out.)

#5 is something new. In the past it's always been more of an academic kind of thing, where I had to almost concentrate on it. With him I'm just suddenly imagining it with no prompting. Is this what it's like to be a 16 year old boy? No wonder they can't concentrate on anything. They're imagining everyone naked all the time.

#3 and the fact that I work with him are what put up a huge wall. However, if he decided he liked me and asked me out, I wouldn't say no. However duex, I probably won't make any moves to give off any signals that I'm interested. This makes me an incredibly large hypocrite as I believe women should just ask out guys they're interested in instead of waiting for them to ask. I never said I was perfect. Though in my defense, I did make it a point to thank him yesterday for helping me out with what was a long, frustrating day. He smiled pretty big. Have I mentioned how cute he is?


But then of course, the left brain has to step in and say, maybe you're just thinking all this because it's been a while since you've found a guy attractive at all. Maybe you're not really attracted to him but you think you are because you think he's cute. Besides, your hormones are off, you cried last night at Running with Scissors for crappsake.

Why does left brain have to be so mean?