I'll be moving within the next couple months...in by myself.
I am absolutely thrilled to finally have my own place and extremely terrified I'm sealing the deal on spinsterhood at the same time...you know, since I like being alone and often prefer it after an especially long day of stupid, annoying people.
Maybe a fun, laid-back, successful, affectionate, gracious, animal-loving, humorous, sexy, well-rounded and handsome man with an accent who picks up his socks will live in the building.
And take a shine to me.
One can hope.
Sigh.
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Sunday, February 17, 2008
Choose Your Own Destiny
When I was younger my mother instilled in me a belief in destiny. A predetermined series of events, there's a reason for everything, if it's supposed to happen it will kind of leaving-the-details-of-your-life-up-to-someone-else thing. Granted that someone else is supposed to be God, it strikes me now as an easy way out. Why should I work for anything if it's all in stone already?
But also, isn't life in the details?
If someone else is planning it for you, isn't it inevitable that a few will be missed? For those who believe God knows/sees/does/controls all I suppose the point is moot, but what about free will? The ability to choose between many options? Why would we be afforded those things if it was all planned for us anyway? That's a really mean trick I say. If this ends up being the case, we're presently existing under a pretty twisted higher power.
And yet...and yet...sometimes I can't help myself from reverting back to that childhood innocence of thinking if I'm meant to have a certain thing, it will come to me. It becomes a battle with my adult self yelling that if I want something, I have to work to get it, it's never just going to come to me. It gets awfully noisy in my head sometimes.
The choice is what ends up being so frustrating. Knowing about it anyway. I can choose to believe either side of the coin, and I usually do at my convenience, but in the end it only makes me feel like a wet noodle. Despite God's alleged hand in my life, I try to see everything as a choice. (I realize that kind of lends a hand to my already large issue with control, but so be it. At least I am aware of it.) I can choose to be angered by the asshole at work or I can ignore his pompous attitude and happily get on with my day. I can choose to be happy with my single status or I can lament not following the standard that has been set. I can even still choose to think that if I believe I'll get something, I eventually will. There's a difference between thinking it and relying on it as the way to live life.
The fact of the matter is I don't always choose the better option, but generally speaking I am happier. It also helps that other things in my life are going well, I admit, but why is it just misery that loves company? Why not happiness too?
So I guess in the end I choose to believe I get to paint the details. Although I didn't choose to exist, I get to choose how. It's a lot more work, which leads to the occasional if-I'm-meant-to-have-it-I-will thought, but the payoff is greater. I've earned it.
Saturday, February 02, 2008
The Great Debate
I went down to K's for a visit recently. She picked me up from the station.
K: Hi
QV: Hi
K: So...I think you should start dating.
QV: I agree.
K: (stunned silence)
We've had this conversation many times before, but this is the first time I didn't answer with some unintelligible sound which meant a) no thanks b) don't want to talk about it or c) Absolutely not.
QV: you know...one of the obviously many reasons that kept me from dating is this overwhelming fear of getting pregnant.
K: you have to have sex to get pregnant.
QV: thank you master of the obvious. I meant that in my mind dating always lead to sex which meant getting pregnant.
K: birth control.
QV: are you listening to me? It's not rational. Don't even try to tell me you don't have any irrational fears. Dating just always equalled sex to me.
K: that's because you're mother f**ed you up.
QV: she knows, she's taken some of the responsibility. But at this point I think we all know it's mine. I think if I had been someone else, I mean, if she had given all those warnings to another kid, it wouldn't have affected them the same way it did me. I was so overly sensitive to everything, no matter what she said it was true. When it didn't make sense to me I rationalized it in my own mind until it did.
K: you don't know that.
QV: no, but I still think it.
I can't help but wonder why things happened the way they did. Why all my life people have complimented me on both my appearance and my character and yet, only a handful of guys have ever approached me. How I managed to miss out on years of natural experimentation because I was intensely scared of sex. That's not to say I was scared of my body, because for some reason that was never a problem. But really, how did I manage to build walls so thick it's going to take some damn big explosives to take them down? Or is that just something else I tell myself to justify my single position?
It never bothered me before...having people think I'm a lesbian. I'm an extremely independent woman, I don't dress in lace, I listen to a lot of female singer/songwriters, I'm very pro-women, I don't talk about my sex life- easy for people to assume I must be gay right? Most of the time I don't give a rats ass what other people are thinking of me. Well, people I don't know anyway, I spent way too much of my youth worrying about that. But now that I'm 30 and still don't have a man? Well then it's practically confirmed. Really the only thing that bothers me about it (aside from the absurdity of people assuming that not having a man either means I'm gay or there must be something wrong with me) is that if everyone is thinking this, it lessons my already slim chances of actually meeting a guy. uh.
What bothers me even more is the fact that it sounds like I'm lamenting being single because I'm 30. I can't really see myself as one of those women who suddenly becomes desperate because she hit the three oh and is still single, and yet here I am talking about it. But in my defense, like the greys in my hair, it's other people commenting on it that is drawing my attention to it. I actually had to start dying my hair because everyone and their mother felt it was ok to tell me I had so many. I got sick of hearing it. Will I actually have to start dating because everyone will feel it's ok to tell me I need to settle down? Dare I bend to such societal pressure?
Outside of my closest friends, and this damn blog that I can't seem to give up, I don't speak often about this area of my life. People are fascinated by it. Case in point, there is a rumor among my friends at work that I'm seeing someone. I have no idea who started it or why, but because I won't say anything about it, they've gone crazy trying to figure out who it is. Because I won't talk about it they've decided it's someone at work which is making them even crazier. I find it all hilarious. I have a sneaking suspicion that one of my friends was trying to mess with me when he said he'd heard the rumor, which is why I decided to mess with him and clam up about it. Anyway, it's something to do at work. ;)
And then there's mom.
Mom: I showed my friends the pictures of you. They loved them!
QV: Oh yeah?
Mom: They're all wondering how you're still single.
QV: They need to find better ways to occupy their time.
Mom: They're wondering if you're a Les-
QV: Of course they are. It's the first place they go when they see me and find out I don't have a man.
I'm pretty sure that was a subtle asking, but that was the end of it. People have a really hard time understanding that it's not my first priority. Maybe that's really just all it is...all it has been my whole life. Both my parents were extremely influential in making education my very first priority, which then transitioned into getting a good job so I could be self-sufficient. With my latest promotion and some future investments in mind, maybe it's just a coincidence that now my priorities have room to shift. I still absolutely hate the idea of dating, and with any luck I'll be able to skip it, but I guess I have to admit that it has been on my mind....not just dating and finding someone, but the whole where I am in my life now. The last time I dwelled on it, I quit my job and ran off to Europe for 6 weeks. Although I'm dying to travel like that again, I don't feel the same need.
Then again, maybe a change of scenery would be good.
K: Hi
QV: Hi
K: So...I think you should start dating.
QV: I agree.
K: (stunned silence)
We've had this conversation many times before, but this is the first time I didn't answer with some unintelligible sound which meant a) no thanks b) don't want to talk about it or c) Absolutely not.
QV: you know...one of the obviously many reasons that kept me from dating is this overwhelming fear of getting pregnant.
K: you have to have sex to get pregnant.
QV: thank you master of the obvious. I meant that in my mind dating always lead to sex which meant getting pregnant.
K: birth control.
QV: are you listening to me? It's not rational. Don't even try to tell me you don't have any irrational fears. Dating just always equalled sex to me.
K: that's because you're mother f**ed you up.
QV: she knows, she's taken some of the responsibility. But at this point I think we all know it's mine. I think if I had been someone else, I mean, if she had given all those warnings to another kid, it wouldn't have affected them the same way it did me. I was so overly sensitive to everything, no matter what she said it was true. When it didn't make sense to me I rationalized it in my own mind until it did.
K: you don't know that.
QV: no, but I still think it.
I can't help but wonder why things happened the way they did. Why all my life people have complimented me on both my appearance and my character and yet, only a handful of guys have ever approached me. How I managed to miss out on years of natural experimentation because I was intensely scared of sex. That's not to say I was scared of my body, because for some reason that was never a problem. But really, how did I manage to build walls so thick it's going to take some damn big explosives to take them down? Or is that just something else I tell myself to justify my single position?
It never bothered me before...having people think I'm a lesbian. I'm an extremely independent woman, I don't dress in lace, I listen to a lot of female singer/songwriters, I'm very pro-women, I don't talk about my sex life- easy for people to assume I must be gay right? Most of the time I don't give a rats ass what other people are thinking of me. Well, people I don't know anyway, I spent way too much of my youth worrying about that. But now that I'm 30 and still don't have a man? Well then it's practically confirmed. Really the only thing that bothers me about it (aside from the absurdity of people assuming that not having a man either means I'm gay or there must be something wrong with me) is that if everyone is thinking this, it lessons my already slim chances of actually meeting a guy. uh.
What bothers me even more is the fact that it sounds like I'm lamenting being single because I'm 30. I can't really see myself as one of those women who suddenly becomes desperate because she hit the three oh and is still single, and yet here I am talking about it. But in my defense, like the greys in my hair, it's other people commenting on it that is drawing my attention to it. I actually had to start dying my hair because everyone and their mother felt it was ok to tell me I had so many. I got sick of hearing it. Will I actually have to start dating because everyone will feel it's ok to tell me I need to settle down? Dare I bend to such societal pressure?
Outside of my closest friends, and this damn blog that I can't seem to give up, I don't speak often about this area of my life. People are fascinated by it. Case in point, there is a rumor among my friends at work that I'm seeing someone. I have no idea who started it or why, but because I won't say anything about it, they've gone crazy trying to figure out who it is. Because I won't talk about it they've decided it's someone at work which is making them even crazier. I find it all hilarious. I have a sneaking suspicion that one of my friends was trying to mess with me when he said he'd heard the rumor, which is why I decided to mess with him and clam up about it. Anyway, it's something to do at work. ;)
And then there's mom.
Mom: I showed my friends the pictures of you. They loved them!
QV: Oh yeah?
Mom: They're all wondering how you're still single.
QV: They need to find better ways to occupy their time.
Mom: They're wondering if you're a Les-
QV: Of course they are. It's the first place they go when they see me and find out I don't have a man.
I'm pretty sure that was a subtle asking, but that was the end of it. People have a really hard time understanding that it's not my first priority. Maybe that's really just all it is...all it has been my whole life. Both my parents were extremely influential in making education my very first priority, which then transitioned into getting a good job so I could be self-sufficient. With my latest promotion and some future investments in mind, maybe it's just a coincidence that now my priorities have room to shift. I still absolutely hate the idea of dating, and with any luck I'll be able to skip it, but I guess I have to admit that it has been on my mind....not just dating and finding someone, but the whole where I am in my life now. The last time I dwelled on it, I quit my job and ran off to Europe for 6 weeks. Although I'm dying to travel like that again, I don't feel the same need.
Then again, maybe a change of scenery would be good.
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